Broken partner picker

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve heard* that people who have a history of choosing bad partners should not get involved with anyone who they are immensely attracted to. Thought being: if someone really flips your switches, they are probably bad for you because you choose unhealthy relationships and even if their issues aren’t visible on the surface, you are keying into them.

This makes some sense to me. My ex-husband is a wonderful man in many ways but he has some demons and our relationship was dysfunctional. My last boyfriend was (and still is, I assume) an abusive, narcissistic drunk with a scary temper. I have chosen co-dependent, deeply flawed people to have relationships with, obviously because I have my own issues.

The question is: what do you do if you have a broken picker? Do you date people who don’t do it for you and if so… that doesn’t sound very fulfilling. Do you dive into therapy and not date until you’re “healthy”? That seems lonely. Or is this stupid advice and I should stop getting psychological information from radio shrinks?
*All intelligent opinions start with that phrase, right? I tried to come up with a better way to say that, I really did.

2

It’s not about doing the opposite, it’s about picking wiser, I think.

I wasn’t long into dating and adulthood when I was forced to recognize that people are attracted to that which resonates, even subconsciously, as familiar. This is why so many people wake up one day and realize the married a girl just like their Mom! But what if, what you’re familiar with, is mostly dysfunction, mental illness, etc?

It’s about having more open eyes. You need to slow down the jumping in part, long enough for you to see more clearly. Examine what you like about your new crush, very, very closely. Do they share any characteristics with the other messed up people who’ve made up your life? Do they make you feel the same way? These are red flags. But you’ll have to put some effort into seeing through things you’ve overlooked previously.

Go way more slowly. Take time to really see more thoroughly. Look past the first impression. Open your eyes and look hard for the very things you overlooked in previous relationships.

Go slow enough that’ll you’ll be comfortable pulling back, should you develop misgivings or concerns.

Wishing you Good Luck!

3

Have someone with better picking skills do the picking for you. Arranged marriages are the norm in many cultures.

4

When I was younger, some friends and I were sitting around, discussing – with legitimate concern, not gossip – another friend’s partner, who seemed very volatile and hostile.

Someone said “it’s not like we have a say in who our friends date …”

And someone else said “wait a minute, WHY NOT?”

So listen, listen, listen to other people … people who know you, and people who know the prospective partner. Don’t listen to any voices in your head that say “oh, but they don’t see the real person he is deep inside.”

5

I found this site to be enormously helpful:

http://ologsinquito.hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Avoid-Becoming-a-Victim-of-a-Malignant-Narcissist

6

Less helpful, but hopefully will give you a good laugh:

A good friend once pointed out to me, rather loudly at a group dinner (she was elderly and hard of hearing) that I had a “broken picker.” another friend chimed in:

“And she’s picked herself a peck of broken peckers!”

7

This is what I need to do, and I’m not sure how. No one teaches you how to pick good people, it’s just assumed that you can either spot the jerks or that you get what you deserve.

Ooo, I’m so bad at this, it’s good to be reminded. I jump into relationships too quickly, both friendly and romantic. I want to be BEST FRIENDS right away and haven’t previously understood the allure of casual dating. Because why would you date someone who you didn’t see a future with? That felt like a waste of time. Close to a year after the break up of a rotten relationship, less commitment feels like a safer thing.

8

I most definitely am. I’ve introduced the guy I’ve been seeing to my friends and some family and have told them “I need you to tell me your opinion of him, for real. No punches pulled, if you see something wrong, tell me!”. They all love him, which is rad and maybe means I’m learning at choose more wisely. More on that in a minute…

Ha! Good info but the pictures gave me a giggle. Why a mannequin and a hissing cat?

I’ve picked myself a peck of pricks :smiley:

So, the fellow I’ve been seeing is so nice. And… that’s the problem? I date assholes and broken people, I don’t really know how to handle a nice, sane guy. He has a good job, a friendly family, friends that I don’t really care for but that don’t seem like a pack of screw-ups. He’s honest (to a fault, sometimes) and doesn’t pressure me or yell or play games. He’s really, really nice. But my messed up self craves someone equally as messed up and complicated. Which, I got it, that’s sick.

Question is: does the lack of SPARK mean it’s not a good match or that due to my broken picker I can’t feel a spark with someone who is truly good for me? Do you guys know what I mean? When I hear that advice (to not date people you are “OMG GOTTA HAVE HIM” about) it’s like… but then how do you know that someone is worth getting to know if you don’t have your heart demanding it?

9

Just give it time, the nice guy sounds… Well… Nice. This is, of course, a bit of a guess, but if tyou’ve always dated guys who are ‘broken’ and prone to be controlling, it’s likely that you subconsciously think of some of their milder controlling behaviours as a sign of attraction.

When the nice guy just goes (random example) “You can’t see me tomorrow because it’s a work friend’s birthday, and you’re all going out to a comedy show? Sounds like a laugh, have fun!” That reads like a lack of interest. I mean, you don’t want him to tell you you can’t go, but surely if he cared he should be at least asking who you’re going with, where you’re going, when you’ll be back…? Right? So he’s thinking he’s showing affection by encouraging you to go have a fun night out, even if that means he misses out, but you think he just doesn’t really care.

Non-messed up guys show affection differently from the messed up ones, and it can take a while to really get that. An old school friend massively struggled with this- she had a series of utter messes, going up to restraining orders and murder/suicide threats, but she’s finally getting married to a genuinely nice, patient and not crazy guy in a few weeks. It took time.

10

Nikki, it’s so good to hear that you have been dating a nice guy. I was in the situation that you were in too, dating a complete douche, he was emotionally abusive, manipulative and mean. I met a nice guy after that, it took me a while to fall but now we have been engaged for a year and have bought a house. It took me a while to get used to having a relationship that was steady, as opposed to having lots of ups & downs. Now, I wouldn’t have it any other way, living life on an even keel, while taking a bit of getting used to is definitely the best way to live, IMHO.

I am so very pleased that you have completely broken off with the last f-wit and moved on with your life :slight_smile:

11

First, establish that the guy really is nice. They can be sneaky, you know!
Then try this:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/11347439/Falling-in-love-answer-these-36-questions-to-find-love.html

A study shows these 36 questions will make people fall in love with each other. I know, it sounds like a Cosmo cover, but it’s a real study.

If you try it, please report back!

12

I once read that people who jump quickly, and fall hard, into new relationships are often motivated by the subconscious fear that, they themselves lose some of their attractiveness to potential mates, as their flaws are revealed over time. Better to jump right into the deep water than to give the other time to notice your own flaws.

Something to think about. If you can’t move slowly and cautiously into a new relationship, there’s a reason. And it has nothing to do with whom you’re picking.

I’m just saying, maybe it’s time to look into yourself. Y’know, something deeper than, “My people picker is defective!”

13

Being lonely is not the end of the world! And it might be good to be by yourself for a while. In fact, I think one of the problems with people is not enough introspection. First, know thyself, then you can know others. You should take a break from dating, and then when you get back into a relationship, like others have said, go s-l-o-w. When you say it’s a waste of time, that’s the problem right there. You are not enjoying the journey, just eyes fixed on the endgame. (Which is what? Marriage? Kids?)

The thing is, we are sold this false bill of sale that every moment of our relationship will be sparks and people jumping on each other and having passionate sex in the kitchen, wherein a really good, solid love, doesn’t always feel like that - but it’s always there, and it’s always reliable. People always want sparks, but you can’t feel like that all the time.

I knew my current guy was the right one for me when I came home to him and really felt like I was coming home - there was a level of comfort with him that I’d never felt.

14

After my divorce, I spent about 6 months in solo counseling to figure out stuff. If you can’t survive without someone else for 6 months, then maybe you’re also co-dependent, which may be part of your problem.

15

Can I offer some tough love? :slight_smile:

I have a friend who has been in counselling because of a broken partner picker, she literally had no idea how to be happy by herself and felt worthless unless she was with someone. This made her easy pickings for the kind of jerks who say all the right things at the beginning and then let out their inner jerk once they have her hooked and then I get phone calls along the lines of “he was so sweet at first what did I do to make him so mad at me???”

Thankfully she’s been making some progress, and she said it was OK to share some things that helped her, so maybe they’ll help you too.

The first thing was to go on what she calls a “man diet” which means she had to break up with her current boyfriend and not date anyone else until her own issues were solved. 5 months and counting now which is a world record for her.

Do not move any deeper into your current relationship, or start any new ones, until you can answer this question honestly: WHY do I date assholes and broken people (to the point where dating someone normal feels wrong and weird?)

People don’t repeat behavoirs unless they get something out of it, so what do YOU get out of dating broken assholes? Do you think you can fix them? Rehab them into being nicer people? Get a thrill from conflict? Feel a need to be punished for something?

In my friend’s case the root cause was an abusive childhood (that I never knew about until she started therapy). Think of Joan Crawford as “Mommy Dearest.” She would go from sweet and loving to physical and verbal abuse at the drop of a hat and was an emotional abuser. Everything bad that happened was my friend’s fault. The jerks were just a continuation of the same pattern, sweet le amour followed by manipulation.

She also admitted she was sort of addicted to the first OMG IM IN LUV! feeling because it was excited and felt good and brings us to

It’s not an either/or thing where you either feel no attraction to the guy but stay with him because he’s decent, or the full tilt OMG HOT SPARKY STUFF. A healthy relationship is somewhere in the middle where the attraction is there but it’s not all about the passion and drama and emotions.

TOUGH LOVE ALERT!

It sounds to me like you’re doing the first, sticking with Mr. Nice because he’s nice but you’re not really attracted to him. That’s not good for either of you, you’ll end up resenting the lack of SPARK and you can’t force yourself to want someone you have no chemistry with. He will pick up on your resentment.

If that’s the case, if you were my friend or my daughter or sister, I’d encourage you to go on your own “man diet” and not date anyone until you’ve gotten your own issues straightened out.

I don’t think anyone can be happy with someone unless they’re happy by themselves first.

You can’t fix broken people.

You can fix yourself. It’s hard and painful and takes a long time but my friend thinks it’s worth it.

Good luck to you. :slight_smile: