OK, so I like someone, and he likes me, but his schedule is almost always full with plans with his friends. We’ve been out three times so far, and he insists he wants to “squeeze in” another date this week despite his calendar being tight. (I am suddenly reminded of Garth Brooks & Trisha Yearwood singing “Squeeze Me In,” but I digress.) My good friend darkscyde calls it the “bro’s before 'ho’s” attitude - friends come before dates.
How long do I wait to become a “bro” before I give him the heave-ho? Yes, our mutual attraction is legitimate, and yes, he is sincere in his desire to date, but his priorities are obviously skewed out of my favor - at least for now. Do I push? Do I make my feelings known so early in the relationship, or do I wait to see if/when he comes around? (Oddly, I just had a reconciliatory date last night with an ex who dumped me way back when because he was ready to commit at the time and didn’t think I was, so he decided to go with someone else who was, and my response was, “You didn’t wait long enough - I would have been ready.”) Yes, I’m open to seeing other people - after three dates I’m hardly ready to declare exclusivity. But I really like him and really want to spend more time with him.
(Please note that under normal circumstances I would not have posted this here - I’ve learned over the years here that sometimes opening yourself up leaves yourself open to harassment and ridicule. I am posting this in MPSIMS in the hopes that folks will remain civil and keep their intentions kind. Anyone with other agendas may go fuck themselves - kindly of course. )
Hmm, I learned from the 14-year-old boys that I taught that it was “Boys before Bitches”.
…at any rate, the sentiment remains the same, and I don’t think it’s a bad one, given the tendency that some people have to crawl up the ass of a New Amour and fall asleep there, forgetting the loyal old pals left boiling on the stove.
However, you do have a right to wonder when your status will change, and you’ll become a priority in his life. My guess is that he’s either trying to protect his fragile little heart at this point, or to impress you with his dynamic social life.
Either way, if I were you, I’d do the same. I’m not talking about “Rules”-style deception, where you tell him you’ve got plans with the gang just to fuck with his head, when you’re really going to stay at home and wax your chest, but I don’t think it’s a bad idea to keep doing what you’re doing. Seeing other people (as friends or as “potential”), and living your life. Let the fella know that when he sees fit to make room for you, you’ll make room for him. Otherwise, who, YOU, wait by the phone?
No way, man.
Who’s the hairless badass? YOU’RE the hairless badass, uh-huh, thazz right!
Actually, at least here in Brooklyn, ‘Bros b4 Hoes’, doesnt really apply to social things as much as romantic things. I wouldn’t date my friends ex-girl and such. It certainly doesn’t mean ignore someone and hang out with your friends instead. I would give it some time and follow Auntie’s advice. Good luck and keep us posted.
Weird, I usually hear about people complaining about friends turning to bitches before friends (I guess that’s what auntie was saying with the “crawl up the ass” thing,) but I digress.
If you’re interested and he’s interested, then yeah, it’s not unreasonable to think that you should both be making room in your schedules for each other. Unless, of course, you’re just sorta, kinda, you know, hooking up, in which case it would fall into more of a “Hmmm, I’m free this Thursday night…guess I’ll see what Esprix is up to” rather than “Hmmm, I’d really like to see E again, I think I’ll make plans for this Thursday.”
No, this isn’t just hooking up - trust me. This has serious potential for a change.
And most of the time it seems to be, “We’ve had this planned for a while,” or “we always get together on Thursdays,” or something similar. It’s usually with his best friend. He also works obscene hours (work + workout until 8 p.m. weeknights) and is kind of “settled” in his routines (which is a red flag to me). All not a good combination for me - I mean, I’m busy, too, but it usually ebbs and flows, and I try to keep my schedule flexible as often as I can.
Maybe you should ask him how far in advance he’s already booked. Then, when that block of time has passed, you should be the date in his Daytimer. In the meantime, do what you normally do and see him when time permits. Ya can’t really blame a guy for not seeing you if he REALLY has prior engagements.
I dated a guy for THREE YEARS at his convenience. I was crazy about him so I kept doing it, but it truly sucked. But this guy sounds like a straight shooter, so give him time to clear his dance card.
'Cos then you could just go there, workout (separately, you can crawl up his ass later)(thanks for the turn-o-phrase, Auntie E!), and then say, Hey, howzabout dinner? A shared shower? Banging me in the steamroom?
(Whatever you do, don’t turn into one of those couples that take adjoining elliptical machines and yammer on about their days at 110 db. Ya know? I’ve seen it happen.)
Esprix, pal, my thoughts, for whatever they’re worth. If you think there’s some long term potential here, recognize that it might take some time to get there.
So he’s got quite the full plate at the moment. Go downrange and suggest a concert or play or whatever appeals to you that’s about a month out and, if he’s receptive, that’s something you’ve got pegged before that part of his schedule fills up. Between now and then there’s the possibility of a spontaneous lunch or a I’ve-got-a-spare-moment-and-I-was-thinking-about-you phone call not meant to arrange a meeting.
Just some thoughts. I’ll note that my counsel on matters of the heart is worth every penny you pay for it.
You’re not gonna like this but I’ll say it anyway:
You need to completely ignore this guy. Don’t call him, don’t try to fit yourself into his schedule, don’t keep your calendar clear for him, etc. If he REALLY wants to go out with you, he will. If he REALLY wants to make time for you, he will. Don’t put your life on hold for this guy, go out and have a life and make him work for your attention.
If he’s not bending over backwards to see you, he doesn’t wanna see you that bad. Sounds cold but that’s just how guys work.
When a guy is really really really into a girl, nothing will stop him from seeing her … bros or no.
(How could you not know I’m a guy - and The Gay Guy at that? )
Well he was supposed to call Sunday when he got back from L.A. and didn’t. Then Monday came. Then Tuesday. I was threatened bodily harm if I called him before he called me, but I broke down before going to bed Tuesday night and sent him an e-mail asking why I hadn’t gotten a call yet. He sent a long response saying he was sorry, but he didn’t get in until early Monday morning, and both Monday and Tuesday were both swamped with work and - you guessed it - plans with friends. He then said he wanted to find time this week to see me… but his schedule was pretty full, and he’s off to San Francisco for the weekend. {sigh}
Rather than try to be shoehorned into his schedule (and it’s not like I don’t have a life of my own), I just said to call me next week and let me know if he’s able to make plans. I was positive about it - I don’t want to be a harpy or anything, nor do I want to scare him off, but this is frustrating. (Again, I do believe he is completely sincere in wanting to see me.) He said we’d make plans to do something special - if his calendar permitted.
I’m taking auntie em’s advice and just doing my thing as I do naturally. Realistically there aren’t any other potentials in my life right now, but I do have friends and an active social life (had plans the last 3 nights in a row, actually), so I’ll let him know that when he’s ready, I’m ready.
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