I think I had some bad seafood last night: Ummmm…OK
Between that and the Pepto, I’ve got this greenish-black hershey squirt thing going on: Go away! I don’t want to know that!
The funny thing is, I have a prehensile anus: AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
Come on in the bathroom and see my Jackson Pollock impression: See my Jackson Pollock impression all over the rug right here!
That’s Rat Pack.
I’ve had another argument with my mother because she won’t understand that my private life is none of her business. Bummer
Specifically, she’s worried I don’t have a fulfilling sex life so she keeps telling me about different positions and techniques. TMI
In fact, she keeps on coming in to my room and offering to demonstrate them so I “know what I’m missing.” Stop talking now.
I tell her, "Jesus, Mum, Dad and I are doing just fine! I never want to hear from you again
Dang. I invented something that has made its way into the vernacular.
b.
My boyfriend was performing cunnilingus last night, but stopped after only a minute.** Bummer.**
He said I smelled and tasted gross. *** TMI, girlfriend.*
I scooped a little out with my fingers and sniffed it, and it smelled like a cross between Parmesan cheese and B.O. :reaches down shorts and scoops a little out, offering it for observation: Smell this and tell me if you think I should get this checked out. Shoot me now!
An actual event, aside from the last one…:
There was an accident at work a few days ago. Bummer.
Somebody chopped off part of their finger with a meat slicer. TMI.
Blood was spraying everywhere, according to another deli worker. Like a fountain. Oh dear god…way TMI.
I have the piece in this baggie. Wanna see? Kill me now. Please…
Although they actually did save it in a baggie…
Another actual event:
So, my 18month old’s got a bad cold. Bummer
And as we were sitting at the dinner table, she starts gagging and choking on the post nasal drip, since she’s just not old enough to understand blowing her nose, yet. TMI, man.
Next thing ya know, she’s horking up this copious amount of phlegm and mucous. Oh, shit, way TMI!
Without thinking about it, I stuck out my cupped hands to keep her from glorping this stuff all over herself, and the table where the rest of us were eating dinner. Aaauuuggggghhhhh!
Hey, man, help me wash this off, would ya? Clunk
[sub]Dude, get up, man. Hey, you alright down there?[/sub]
Oh my god, you are the funniest people on the planet!
This is exactly what I needed, TMI humor! Thank you all so much for perking up the very end of a really heinous week. 
I cried laughing, really.