Yep, That's Pretty Gross (or, TMI: The Next Iteration)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I feel the need to share. Misery, company, etc. Feel free to do so yer own selves, please. So, wanna know what’s pretty gross, to me, today?

18 hour old* chicken stir-fry, with peas, and 3 hour old carrots, semi-digested into a glutinous, acidic mess.

That’s just a bit gross. This next bit is pretty gross.

Imagine, if you will, cleaning said mess out of the contacts which control all four power windows, the control for the driver’s side mirror, the overdrive button, shifter, ashtray, cup holder, the floor on both sides of the center console, and front seats of a station wagon. Also from a heavy cotton shawl-type coat, on the passenger’s side seat. After it had set in for about fourty-five minutes, or so.

With cheap, thin napkins, because there are no paper towels in the house, and this is the only functional car we own, at present. And having to use Q-Tips to get into the window and mirror controls, so as to remove the undigested pea-skins, and shredded bits of carrot. With nary a clothespin (for your nose, y’see) in sight.

And the only way to get it out from the tight gap between the seats and the center console is to go spelunking with a napkin, thereby sliming the back of your hand on either the seat or the console. Plus, the detrius of the average American family car, beneath the seats, or wedged into the bottom of that seat/console gap, must be removed, tweezers style, with two fingers, because that’s the only way to reach the stuff down at the bottom.

And after alla that, you’ve got to bring in that now dripping shawl, in your bare hands, and strip down in the laundry room, chucking the whole lot into the washer, so you can make it to the shower without contaminating anything else in the house.

Yep, That’s Pretty Gross.

[sub]*It was 18, and 3, hours old at the time escape velocity was reached, not when it was eaten, y’unnerstand. And I do mean escape velocity. There were a few drops that reached the passenger side window, from the driver’s seat.[/sub]

2

One time during my short stint at college, I went to a really wild party (Campus Theater had just had its last showing of Rocky Horror for the year, and it was a celebration of the theater staff and the Rocky Shadow Cast).

Predictably I got really smashed. So much in fact that as I left the party, the first words out of my mouth (after “Damn who said the Sun could come up?” that is) were “Could someone point me in the general direction of my dorm?”

The bad thing was that my parents were supposed to be stopping by that Sunday for a visit. I caught a few hours of sleep, knowing that since they said they’d be there around Noon, I could expect them at 11 am. Get up at 10, feeling incredibly sober, and get cleaned up just in time for them to show up at 10:30.

Seems they had plans of having breakfast with me, however, the Dining Hall had already closed, and being Sunday, nothing was really open. After driving around a bit, we decided to do an early lunch, at Hardees. I had a Frisco Burger and fries.

After that, they decide it’d be nice to drive around in the country side for a bit, so for the next few hours, we weave around on winding country roads. I came to the realization that while I had felt sober when I woke up, my gastrointestinal tract was still quite inebriated, and certainly did not appreciate the amount of fast food grease I had subjected it to.

My Dad decides to head out to the interstate, so we can visit the next town over. By this time, my head’s bobbing and weaving like a punch-drunk boxer. My Mom pipes up from the back seat of the car “You look really tired from working the midnight show at the theater, why don’t we just turn around and take you back to the dorm? We’ll leave you a $20 so you can order yourself pizza.”

The word pizza was the trigger. I errupted, the blast pattern taking out everything from the sunvisor down to the jacket across my lap, and from the rear view mirror to the pasenger’s door panel.

Pulled over to the side of the interstate and got the majority of the chunks off the inside of the windshield, which exhausted the roll of paper towel my parents had in the trunk. A short stop off at Wal-Mart later, my dad comes out with about $70 worth of auto cleaning supplies and manages to get most of the rest.

I say most of the rest, as it was impossible to get what had dripped down the defroster vents. On the drive back to the dorm, my mom joked to my dad that if he ever needed an excuse to get a new car, this counted. He took her up on the offer, trading in his car the next week. Later he saw his car advertised in the dealer’s used car ad in the newspaper. They had it listed as “Very Clean, driven by a non-smoker.” They never asked him about any surprises in the defroster, and he never volunteered the info.

I feel sorry for whoever bought that “very clean” used car the first day their windows fogged over, as I can’t imagine just what that must have smelled like, since it had to have dried right on the heater elements.

I also got what had to have been the most unique “laundry tip” any mother had given her son: “You might just want to wear those clothes right into the shower and hose it off before you wash them.”

3

Sorry, man. Hope you’re feeling better. Maybe you could have just left the windows open, let it all dry, then vacuum everything up? I dunno, it works when the cat barfs up a hairball.

What happened, you were driving and your stomach decided to shift into reverse?

It was the carrots. You should have glazed them with Pepto Bismol when cooking. :wink:

4

SC_Wolf, thanks, man. Mine wasn’t all that uniquely bad to clean, after all.

Skelji: I left out one detail that now seems rather pertinent. (I blame it on my lack of sleep, caffiene, and nicotine.)

I didn’t make the mess, I just got to clean it up. Had I been the one to make the mess, I’d be the one asleep on the couch right now. But that’s pretty much what happened, yeah. And the carrots were raw, when she ate them.

We’re pretty sure it’s a sudden bout of stomach flu.

5

I was kinda wondering when you mentioned cleaning the shawl :smiley:

Cleaning up barf is good for lots of future Bonus Points.

6

I picked up a dog I am fostering from the shelter today after she was spayed. She was really droopy, so I thought it would be okay to leave her in my car while I went to work (my house is an hour drive away from where I work, so I couldn’t take her home).
At about 8:30 pm I dashed across the parking lot so I could start the car heating up fro the drive home (it was unreasonably cold today) Parking lot is dark, for some reason the lights in the this car don’t turn on when you open the door like every other stinking car I have ever driven. I sit in the seat, and then I notice the smell of dog poop.

I had to work the rest of the night with dog poop on the butt of my pants. Runny dog poop with chunks of what I believe to be dead tapeworms.
Not the grossiest thing ever, but since you were talking about cleaning cars…

7

Way TMI:

Today I passed a gob of Uterus Jelly that was larger than the average walnut.

8

Ah, Christ, vomit in the car…we had a guy working for us who puked in the delivery truck. He drove around all day (28 deg. celcius, nice summer day) without bothering to even try wiping it up. He smeared it and splattered it all over the driver’s side mats, carpet and mooshed it into the cracks in the rubber of the gas & brake pedals. He didn’t bother cleaning it up because there were no towels, he didn’t think there was that much of it and anyways, he “didn’t feel good”. Yeah, hangovers are hell. :rolleyes:

We never got the smell out of that truck. Bastard.

Scablet: WTF? I hope you’re pregnant and you’re talking about your cervical plug (Just a simple yes or no will do LOL)

9

Aye, scablet, that was the very question that popped into my head, too.

10

Menstruation occasionally blesses me with those gelatinous blood clots (I really, really hope someone else knows what I’m talking about here), sometimes of jaw-dropping proportion.

Why do car vomiting sessions always seem 10x more explosive than non-vehicular barfs?

11

I know…though, fortunately, I haven’t had this particular Gross Encounter for quite a while now.

12

Sorry scablet, I should have realized that’s all you meant. “Uterus Jelly” is a new one on me. For a second there, I thought you were implying there was something really wrong.

The “joys”, eh?

13

Shouldn’t the thread title read …(or, TMI: TNI)? :smiley:

scablet usually accompanied by severe cramping beforehand, or at least mine were – but now I’m FIXED! Best darn thing that ever happened to me…

I had a total TMI today - and it would ick me to even write about it. :frowning:

14

Speaking of menstruation, one time something ended up on my pad that I’d never seen the likes of before. It looked like a big chunk of pink bubblegum (ABC–already been chewed), about the size of a ping-pong ball but a little flatter. Naturally, I was curious, so I picked it up (using toilet paper as a protective shield between my fingers and the glob) and squeezed it. It was dense as hell…it gave a little bit when i squeezed, but there was no way I could puncture it with a finger. Maybe a pencil. Anyway, this happened about 9 or 10 months ago and hasn’t happened since. I was actually going to post then and ask in GQ if I was alright, but I deemed it just too gross.

15

Yeah, I coined the term Uterus Jelly out of running out of things to call it… I mean, there are only so many times I can refer to my Clots, my Vagina Chunks, my Huge Gelatinous Menses Blobs, and as me grammy used to term them in such a charming way, Apples.

Once, one of the little lovelies flew off my pad and onto the floor of the (public) restroom. It sat there. Jiggling. Mocking my womanhood, indeed: my very existence.

Casper, do tell! ya can’t drop a teaser like that and leave everyone hanging.

Snappity, that sounds bizarre indeed. Have you spoken to a doc about this? I think we should all carry around little empty baby food jars for capturing and displaying all the odd things that come out of our bodies.

16

I once collected my own stool sample. It required a fair amount of flexability.

17

Here’s my TMI- ever get tonsoliths? These lovely little things are apparently bits of food that get lodged in the golfball-like divots of the tonsils, then sit and fossilize for what must be months.

I had thought I was getting strep or something because I had this irritating scratchy feeling in my throat and there was this white bump back there. It felt like a foreign object or something, so one day while at the library parking lot I got fed up and took a dull pencil (yes I know not the best tool for the job) and gently eased this little thing out of my tonsil. It was like a pebble, white, and was the worst smelling thing to ever come out of my body. I mean just horrible. Take morning breath and feces and magnify them by 100x. My fingers stunk. Hell, the car stunk from having them out of my mouth. What’s worse, there was more than just one! In fact, in my little tonsil mining operation, I must have excavatated a dozen of these little stink rocks out of my throat. The good news is having them out does wonders for my breath. However, my tonsils are a varitable food sponge and plenty of other semi digested debris is undergoing a lovely transformation into the physical manifestation of stinkiness.

18

CasperQ, I refer you to this thread as reference, and reiterate what scablet said.

Don’t leave us hangin’ here.

(In hindsight, I probably should’ve linked to that in my OP, but I couldn’t find it on my first search, and gave up on the effort.)

19

ACK. Those things are the absolute worst. They are like little white pieces of SATAN. I used to get these giant ones when I was younger (why does all the uncouth crap that comes out of my body seem to be larger than anyone else’s? I’m not even from Texas). They are worse than belly button stink, and belly button stink is the most terrifying stink ever. I forget the scientific name for them, but it doesn’t matter because just thinking about those little white StenchPebbles makes my brain go woozy.

20

One cold winter evening, I make fried chicken and drain it on paper towels. Throw the greasy towels in the trash and go about my day.
Next morning, I take the dog out for her morning walk. She assumes the position to go potty and I turn my head. The “I’m not watching you” pose. I hear her whimpering so I turn around to see what’s wrong…

And see her straining, a white object waving in the breeze from her rear. It’s not making any progress and her whimpers are getting more frantic. I hook the leash to the closest tree and go into the garage to get a work glove.

(Here’s where I win Pet Owner Of The Year)

With a gloved hand, I gently tug the white object and pull a non digested, poo streaked Bounty paper towel from my dog’s bum. Once it was out, she was able to complete her mission pain free.

I bought a garbage can with a dog proof lid later that day.