I just did the most disgusting thing

Sorry, this isn’t about sex. It’s about being a mom. And the utterly vile things you suddenly find you must endure.
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spoiler space!

You probably don’t want to read this. I just had to scoop poo out of my kid’s anus because she was so constipated.
Years ago, her sister puked on my face and some went in my mouth.
At this rate, I might as well sign up for nursing school, because most of the :stuck_out_tongue: from my younger years has been wrung out of me by motherhood.

Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this, I invite you to look up my IUD thread!

Oh honey. Puke in the mouth, been there done that. (Nose also.) Which I didn’t tell my childless co-workers when recounting the story. They were freaked out enough that I allowed my child to vomit on my person. Jeeze louise. Puke on my nightgown (which can be removed immediately and slam-dunked into the washing machine) is infinitely preferable to mopping up chunks and then spraying Woolite Rug Shampoo on the baby’s carpet at 4 am.

Haven’t done the poo-dig, however. When faced with this problem we went for the enema.

The worst part? Her kid is 23.

Gnat’s currently in the hospital with stomach flu (cue rant about the fun of Type 1 diabetes plus childhood illness), and Mr. Lissar and I returned from our anniversary dinner last night, got ready for bed, and went in to Gnat’s room to find him soaking his bed with vomit. I got thrown up on a lot last night before Mr. Lissar and Gnat headed out to Emergency.

I’m three hundred months pregnant with morning sickness. Okay, thirty weeks. Whatever. I didn’t throw up at the mess, but my husband nearly did.
Sometime last week I’d finished cleaning up after the kids were in bed, lay down on the couch with a book, looked at the floor, and thought, “Huh. Is that poop?. Yup. Great. I wonder where else they’ve smeared it.”
Oh, yeah- a supper of scrambled eggs makes chunks which are extremely hard to wash out of anything.

I’m a guy. I’m single. I have no kids. I usually don’t even LIKE kids. But I used to be a high school volleyball coach.

One of my players vomited on the court during a tournament. I got to clean it up. Fun! And since she wasn’t my daughter, it doesn’t have that…cuteness…factor. Or whatever it is you tell yourself…

That’s the closest I can get to this thread. And believe me…it’s plenty close.
-D/a

Lissla, you are hardcore. Thank you for adding the detail about the eggs - that’s the kind of thing that really makes a story.

My kid is 3, not 23, but I’m seriously prepared by tonight’s events to jump in and help her give birth in the future.

As for the “cuteness factor,” IME, it’s more like your kids’ bodily functions get categorized in the same column as your own. So like it’s not pleasant to vomit and have to clean it up, but it’s nowhere near as nasty as cleaning up someone else’s vomit - same thing. I have to admit I have trouble just changing dirty diapers belonging to other children, while tonight I was kind of like, “Objectively, I realize this is gross, but whatever.”

My mother had to perform the service in your first spoiler for my grandmother (her mother) once.

My husband works as a nursing assistant on the locked dementia unit at the state veterans’ home. Combine just about any sort of bodily fluid handling with the constant possibility of being physically attacked by the owner of the bodily fluids, and that is what he would call, say, “Thursday.”

You can tell I’m a mom, because I read Lissla’s story and thought, “Huh. Scrambled eggs sound pretty good for breakfast tomorrow!”

I’ve got a million puke stories, not so much with the poop, except with the dog. My dog, last week, ate poop (I guess? Something very poop-like?) and threw up all over our bed. And the floor. And in my closet. Good times.

I’m so sorry. I hope she gets some relief!

Per the OP:

Spoiler 1 - check.

Spoiler 2 - check.

Both from my daughter about 12 years ago or so. Now I’m just looking for the right opportunity to tell the stories for maximum embarrassment.

I got to clean up puke off the carpet, bed and bedding at 4am just a few days ago! In fact her bedding is sitting right in front of me as I still haven’t put it back on her bed yet. God, I love have a SpotBot, as long as the, ahem, chunks are cleaned up, the trusty SpotBot cleans everything else up just fine.

It’s funny you mentioned how easy it is to toss your nightgown in the wash. One of my friends, in college at one of her first big college parties puked on the host’s bed. She told me later she aimed for the bed on purpose. Her mom had told her that if you have to puke and you can’t get to the bathroom it’s a lot easier to clean a comforter then the carpet…which she did. I don’t remember if she cleaned it herself or paid for it to get cleaned, but either way it’s a lot easier to ball it up and take it to a laundromat then trying to get puke out of the carpet. I think I’ll add to that pearl of wisdom and suggest that before potentially ruining a comforter, glance around the room for a towel or sweatshirt or even an area rug. Something that the homeowner will probably be okay with just throwing out…especially in college.

I’ve done the first thing for my oldest son – I think he was two or three at the time, but was spared the second. I’ve been peed on though. With boys, you have to be quick changing those diapers.

No kids here, but I often have critters pee and/or poop on me. Its really odd what we get used to. Puke in the mouth…haven’t had to do that…but I once took the muzzle off a very bity dog so she could puke all over my jeep and then cough her uterius out on the seat. I cleaned that mess up without thinking about it.

I just read a blog about new mothers cooking and eating their placenta.
You got nothin’ :smiley:

I’m not surprised, but still ugh. My nephew puked in my hair last year and I’m planning on bringing it up for the rest of his natural life (seriously, puke smell in hair takes over a fucking month to come out. That was the worst part. I’ve never even puked in my own hair!) so I can just imagine how much shit they’d get for this one. The poop story I’ve dealt with while babysitting, and it sucks, but I’ve become fairly casual about it.

I personally know someone who has done that.

Once I removed a giant booger from between my son’s front teeth before he woke up and totally freaked at his own bad self.

Three-year-old Beta-chan just did the throwing up, all over Mommy, and the futon. Mommy called me, Didi wakes up and decides it was a good time to practice his 15-month-old lungs at full volume.

Have to get everything one / cleaned up / off / washed / back to sleep and then back to making bread.

You get used to it, and are just glad it doesn’t happen more often.

My kid, around age 2, had stomach flu and of course we gave her things like pudding and jello. Cherry jello. Put her in her crib, and she projectile vomited cherry jello onto the carpet. It is many years later, and there is still a faint stain on that old carpet. We tried everything known to man and could never get the red out.

Never had to do the poop scoop thing but I have a wealth of puke stories. My seven year old has Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome. She wakes up in the night, sits straight up and projectile vomits about four times a year. Each episode will start this way and last about three or four days of vomiting every six hours or so. It’s kind of like migraines and we’ve learned some warning signs so now when they start coming on we cover the floor from bed to toilet with towels. We braid her hair so there’s no mid-night hair washings and if it’s warm enough we let her sleep without pjs. It’s just easier that way.

One of the first times it happened we had to throw away our mattress. It was just that nasty. There was no cleaning what seeped in. The smell was worse than skunk. There was vomit from our bed through the house to the bathroom. It soaked in to the wood floors. It was on the walls and the doors. It’s gone into my mouth and my eyes. I can still smell it in my nightmares.

She’s lucky she’s so damned cute.