Ah. The teenager appreciation thread. There IS something good about teenagers.
I am now thankful for my TEENAGER. How cool is that?
My co worker told me about her toddler son having intestinal parasitic worms. To confirm the diagnosis, she had to wait untill night, when her kid was asleep and watch his anus. Sure enough, at night worms came out. They looked like thin white spaghetti. She grabbed and pulled out as many as she could, and then woke the kid up to give him worm killing medicine.
Do I win the thread?
Who got to clean up after George Bush (the Elder) puked on Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa (January 8, 1982)?
Oh yeah, well that might have been **my **blog! 
(Unless is was recounting “I cooked and ate my placenta,” because mine was totally “Did you know people do this, for no good reason?!”)
I was inspired to write that by a cyberfriend who had her placenta encapsulated, and also saved some “placenta juice” from the cooking process, and put it in a batch of cookies. 
All the things in this thread, and it’s the booger story that has me dry heaving.
My daughter, nine months old, projectile-vomited into my hands a week ago. It was the first time I’ve seen her really vomit, as opposed to just spit up. I refer to it as “leveling up” in momhood.
Twenty-five years ago the tour guide at the hospital asked the group of expectant parents if any were planning to take the placenta home. No takers in my group.
I would have be the local store was out of “Placenta Helper”.
hurk I’m a mom who thought I feared no bodily products, but that one got me.
I’m a guy. When my (now 21 year old) daughter was new to walking, we let her walk around after her bath. She wasn’t real steady, so when she wobbled/crouched a bit it was no surprise. Then I realized she was standing there passing a turd.
Without thinking, I did what I could to save the new carpet. I did a Roberto Clemente style dive and basket catch with my bare hand. Shame it wasn’t filmed.
Ha. Well, my vomiting baby is now 17 and the surprise-period panties are in the running for top spot on the ick scale.
Funny, the booger thing barely rates on my gross-o-meter.
About ten years ago I went on a whale watch. The seas were a bit rough that day, and sure enough plenty of non-sailors were heaving to. It was bad enough on my deck, but there was a deck abouve me. Puke rain is not much fun.
Oddly enough, my reaction to it was “I’m hungry, I need a hot dog.”
I worked in a Pet Store for many years. My most memorable moment was when our idiot manager accepted 10 German Shepherd-cross puppies WITH DIARRHEA a week before Christmas. Knowing full well that I would be in BY MYSELF on Christmas Day and Boxing Day to look after the animals.
Picture, if you will, the back of 10 window kennels you see in pet stores, with runny shit literally dripping out of them onto the floor. I got all the puppies into our “Consultation Room” while I cleaned the kennels…then had to clean that room. Runny puppy shit EVERYWHERE with happy energetic puppies running around and slip-sliding all through it.
The funny thing is, “bodily functions” from animals don’t bother me at all, but from a person (baby or otherwise) I’m outta there.
My daughter dropped a yule log by the Christmas tree in the same situation.
There was another time where her nose was plugged up with a huge booger, holding in all the runny stuff. We couldn’t get her to blow it out so I was going to pick it but she wouldn’t sit still and wouldn’t let me get it. At one point I said “Just hold still and let me pick your nose.”
My wife laughed and asked if I’d ever think I’d say that to someone.
My son is a puker, which is good and bad. It’s bad when you have to clean up his car seat, jacket, pants, gloves, and socks when he throws up in the back of the car. It’s good when he tries to swallow a penny and pukes because he’s choking on it.
Try being an EMT. There is nothing in this world like transporting someone who suddenly starts running at both ends. Violently.
My sedate now-14-year-old was prone to nostril-stopping boogers when a tot and, bless his heart, would lie still as a stone while I extracted them using tweezers. I was always so grateful for this! We called them boog-ectomies. 
I’ve done the poop-scoop before, when my son was 2.
I also spent a couple hours in ER one time, while my son got stitches in his upper gum. That’s not the gross part. I spent the whole 2 hours sitting in my own soiled pants – he split his lip while I was sitting on the toilet, and didn’t even take the time to wipe my own ass before rushing him to the ER.
If that happened today, I’d probably finish my business, make some coffee, and check my e-mail before getting in the car. And by that time he probably would have stopped bleeding on his own. Live and learn, I guess…
Seconded. It took some convincing to get Typo Knig to understand that when the toddler starts to hurl, scoop him up and get it all over you… who are easier to clean than the carpet. Hell, if you need a shower, so what? kid does too, most likely, and you can clean both of you in the same shower.
No manual disimpaction here either, though enemas WERE required and were as much fun as you might expect (my older kid had encopresis).
Oooh - not QUITE in line with the OP, but it does deal with a mess on the floor: The combination of “house going on the market in 1 week” + “white(ish) carpet” + red fruit punch makes the probability of vomiting approach 100%.
Fortunately, a rented carpet steamer solved that problem.
We have a good friend who’s a dad to two little ones and a paramedic. He and his wife (who’s a SAHM) have competitions about who had the more disgusting day. She sometimes wins.
The first time Gnat decided to poop in the bath was in the pristine bathtub at my inlaws’ newly-built dream home. We cleaned up and did not tell them.
I’ve done the poop-ectomy maneuver as well. It’s funny how, before I was a dad, the thought was horrifying. And then once you’re doing it, the main thought was “Wow, constipated poop is so much less messy than diarrhea, hey, this isn’t so bad!”
By far the actual worst part of it was the fact that my kid was in horrific pain. The poop itself was nothing.
My son liked to poop in the tub as well. He is now three and the last time he did it was three weeks ago. Its relatively easy to clean up there. Just grab it with TP an flush it. It was easier to clean up than his underwear.
Up to now, he wasn’t much of a puker. The only time I remember it was when he was six months old and was home sick with me. He got me good on the shirt.