ROTFL!! Let me go get a towel to wipe the coke off my monitor!
I saw a four door Accord V6 with one passenger doing about 85. That’s three wasted doors and, c’mon…did they really need that 5th and 6th cylinder? Plenty of 4 cyl cars can do 85.
I live in the Garden State - the southern part, far from the fatherjohn-pseudo-NewYork-Suburban-assholes who are so busy looking around them on the highway that they don’t pay attention to things like stopped traffic.
fjohn…repeat after me…“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggonit, people like me.” While it may not be true, the power of suggestion might help you through those difficult times…you know…like when you see a Schwinn bicycle with a baby seat, and only one rider - what a waste. Or, you must really stress out when you see someone order a Biggie Combo at Wendys, then they don’t finish the burger and chuck the extra fries. Gasp! And they used a plastic tray that now must be cleaned! More waste. And someone could be burned by the hot water used to clean that tray!
All that waste. And have you been raiding anyone’s closet lately? There must be a ton of garments manufacturred by huge textile mills that no ones using. And dammit, textile mills are dangerous work places, so somebody manufactured a ton of clothes at their risk, then they just hang in someone’s closet! Waste and Danger!!! OH MY GOD!
Do you wipe your ass with the Newspapers that the NY Post didn’t sell the night before?
Do you scrub your rectum with corn cobs because anything else is wasteful, dangerous even. (I think I found a new sig!)
I hope you don’t drive a car, especially a gas powered one, because they are wasteful. I mean, you car pool everywhere because you are against waste. Wouldn’t want to put an extra car on the road. And, do we NEED bright red paint? And silver cars are so full of sun glare! Can’t we just make cars a nice dingy charcoal color with yellow reflective tape? Anthing else isn’t necessary, dangerous even.
And you don’t speed, right? I mean, how could you defend speeding? Any safety numbers that led you to buy your vehicle certainly aren’t indicicative of what the car would do at 20-25% over the speed limit.
And dangerous things…boy oh boy…you are Captain Danger…heck, you wouldn’t want to dabble in anything that is in anyway even remotley more dangerous than the alternative, so you don’t bath…the bath tub is the most dangerous place in the world. I think the only place more dangerous is the flight deck of an Aircraft carrier.
Your TV is just the right size, and you have one that you carry from room to room. Your fridge is always set to the right temp and stocked inn the most efficient way. You have one pair of trusty walking shoes. You never use the A/C is your house. You don’t use aerosol cans. You don’t get laid…worse yet, you don’t care.
So, did this occur on your hotwheels track(like the last time you started your inventory of SUV occupants), or did they start letting you sit up front of the short bus with the driver so you can see all the pretty cars?
Cool…Tony Saprano drives an SUV…Maybe he’ll put one of his stickers on his car.
Maybe…he would be in short yellow bus with a bunch of other kids wearing protective padding.
Ten bucks says Ol’ John responds with a rolleyes smiley. Any takers?
You know, whenever I see fatherjackass post, I always think of that talking bay in Who Framed Roger Rabbit…
Y’know, I saw an ad the other day for a 1984 52-passenger school bus with a 460 eng (runs great they say) for just $2000.
I’m thinking “What a great project-vehicle for an ass-kickin’ SUV.”
I might just buy that sucker.
Then I’d fix it up all hoity-toity like.
First, I’d get rid of that little cheap-ass seat, and install the biggest, fattest, captain’s chair with heat, massage, pump-up lumbar support, and food tray built right in. It better swivel, and recline too…all the way back. Long trips always make me sleepy.
That’s why I’d install an espresso machine right behind the driver’s seat. I can just lock on the cruise-control, and spin around to make my own fresh java. No need to waste time stopping.
Next, I’d tint the windows so black that even those new blue-green headlamps couldn’t cut through.
Then I’d install a computer system so I can surf the web while I’m out.
Plus, It’ll have to have a bitchin’ surround-sound home-theater system ( 500 watts mimimum, Who wants to hear all those car horns and stuff when you are trying to hear the dialogue? ) with a nice headsup display, so I can totally immerse myself in my favorite DVDs during those long, boring drives on the interstate.
I’d also have to have a cell-phone so I can tell my friends all about the movie(s) I’m watching.
I’d also plaster the backside of it with so many bumper-stickers that Evelyn Woods couldn’t possibly read 'em all. That’ll give all the other guys something to do when I cut 'em off. ( If any of 'em are smart enough to read, that is. )
If they are, they’d surely see the big hand lettered sign in the middle, that says,
" OUTTA MY WAY, LOSERS!! "
Then I’d move to NY and careen up and down the freeway at insane speeds…day and night, 24-7, burning huge quantities of gasoline. ( what the hell, I’ve got a 60 gallon tank. ) No passengers, just me, in my 52-seat SUV from hell…waiting for fatherjohn.
Then I’d run his cocky little ass (pun intended) right off the road.
Hey, “He oughta know better than to hover in somebody’s blind spots like that, right officer?”
…and mine are around 75 feet long.
Whoever had 6 days, 17 hours, and 32 minutes in the time between fatherjohn posting SUV threads pool, please contact me at mske@fatherjohnisaposeur.com to arrange delivery of your brand new Lincoln Navigator.
Ahh, fatherjohn. Welcome back, cheese dick. Nice attempt at a “rant”, but you blew it with the “Mr Ford Explorer Driver” comment. See, your reputation precedes you. Makes you look like a joke. I made a similar rant here. Note how I did not target any group of people solely by the type of vehicle they choose to drive.
Tell me, fatherjohn. Would you have ranted had the car been a Nissan Maxima? A Chevy Sprint? A Mercury Villager? A Schwinn? Please, be honest.
As an aside. Please tell us what type of vehicle you drive. You have no reason not to - educate us on what we all should use for our mode of transportation, from the Bible According to fatherjohn.
And please, find something new aside from your non-relevant “Pot? Kettle?” comeback. You are tiresome enough as it is.
Excellent post, Bboy. Genius… sheer genius…
You might try the Kenworth Pilgrammage ™:
fatherjohn, I’m almost starting to like you. Thank God you posted that link, because I was starting to wonder if you forgot the address.
150 fatherjohn posts as of now, and the percentage of dufus links to that site vs. your post total had got to be some kind of milestone befitting of the SUV Haters Hall of Shame.
By friggin’ accident, in the last few weeks, I’ve read five articles about SUVs that you could reference.
You amuse us. Tell me - do your eyes hurt so much from staring at SUVs on the road that you can’t even read the points others make?
Did it ever occur to you that, to be taken seriously, you have to present valid arguements, reference decent and reputable sites and do real homework? Of course not.
Do yo know why we get such a kick out of you? Because if you were so genuinely fucking concerned about abolishing SUVs, then you would step up to the plate and be a man about presenting your points. Many things around us never change because the best arguements presented by the fuckin’ cry-baby-scare-mongers like you are JUST PLAIN WHINING.
Anyone serious about reducing SUV use would be embarassed to be associated with you. You are a dimwit to the point that you strengthen the resolve of SUV owners like myself and my peers. Because of you, SUVs have a stronger hold, and more dedicated drivers.
:)If you are genuinely concerned, I’ve got news for you, Bozo:
You are helping to guarantee the future sucess of the SUV market.
Only a horse’s ass would take such a moronic approach to a cause like you.
I thank you.
:)SUVs have a future, thanks to our satirical horses’ asses like fatherjohn. As an SUV owner, I sleep well at night knowing he is on the job.
I’m starting to suspect that Ol’ John is the head of the Ford SUV division and he’s only acting this way to drum up support for SUV’s.
In fact, I just read a study at http://www.fatherjohnknowsdick.com that support for SUV’s worldwide has risen 34% since he began posting to the SDMB.
And another study, at http://www.peoplewithabrain.com shows that Toyota is developing a new SUV, seventeen feet tall, twelve feet wide, forty-four feet long… it’s to be called the Fiad, which is an acronym for “Fatherjohn Is A Dumbshit”.
Spoofe…that first address must be a mistake. Didn’t you mean to say “fatherjohndoesntknowdick.com” ?
I mean, let’s not overestimate him and assume he knows dick…even at a minimum.
I, and others, have asked him this question a number of times. He refuses to answer, probably because he is too young to drive, or he is special, and not allowed to drive.
Maybe a combination of both.
I clicked a link off the crappy SUV site and found a picture of fatherjohn’s wheels.
Why am I not surprised? I guess it’s practical. Feel free to comment.
Click to see fatherjohn’s wheels: http://members.nerve.com/mongoree/
So anyway, I was thinking about buying a big SUV…maybe one of those nice Mercedes or Lexus models. I figure it will look nice in the garage next to my XJS.
What do you guys suggest?
-L
I was in a collision this morning. The traffic was stopped on the freeway, and I was stopped with it. I looked in my rearview mirror to see a 1988 Pontiac Grand Am too close and too fast. Note: I had not “slammed on my brakes”. I had come to a normal stop in traffic, so the collision was zero percent my fault. Well, she hit me. She pushed me into the Nissan Maxima in front of me.
Damage report: The Nissan Maxima suffered breakage of its plastic bumper moulding and tail light lenses. My Jeep Cherokee’s license plate came off. A passenger in the Maxima said, “There’s nothing wrong with it! [the Jeep] I want to buy one of those!” There was some damage to the rear of the Jeep. The hatch has a small dent in its lower lip. The box on the trailer hitch that holds the connector for the trailer lighting was bent in a little. The driver’s door and the right-rear passenger door are rubbing when I shut them. That’s the only thing that worries me. Since the trailer hitch took the brunt of the impact, it should be checked out.
Okay, now for the 1988 Pontiac Grand Am. Her front bumper looked like a bow tie. I heard some hissing and smelled glycol when we pulled over, so I assume she might have some radiator damage. Sheet metal on the bonnet was bent a little. Lots of plastic missing. The driver complained of abdominal and back pain and was taken away in an ambulance.
Of course she had no insurance.
Back on-topic: In much the same way that a broken clock is right twice a day, fatherjohn’s posting of his stupid link is appropriate in this case. Bboy was being sarcastic about the bus, and fatherjohn responed in kind (although he always responds in the same way, this time it fit). I actually saw what looked like a Kenworth SUV when I was in Washington (state) last November. I still think fatherjohn is a brainless schmuck, but ya gotta admit that the big-rig SUVs are pretty funny.
Here’s an off road vehicle…definitely SUV