But NOOOOOOO!!!!

Cafe Society
41

Leon: After Mathilda’s initial explanation of her absence is rejected by the school’s headmistress, we cut away to a scene where she is observed on a rooftop some distance away, assembling a high-powered rifle. Through the scope, we see her find as her target a window where the form of the headmistress is vaguely discernable moving within. If you don’t look carefully, you might miss the remains of a potted plant sticking part way out of a waste basket beside the school’s front entrance.

Being There: Chance attempts to walk out onto the lake and and nearly drowns, requiring several pallbearers to come running to his rescue as he flails about with terrified pleas that the channel be changed.

Memento: The very last scene of the film shows a living, apparently lucid Sammy Jankis (not in flashback, in “real” time) in a long, drawn out, complex exposition monologue wherein he is revealed to be some kind of Evil Mastermind who not only intentionally killed his wife with multiple injections of insulin for the life insurance money, but also attempted to kill both Leonard and Leonard’s wife in order to distract Leonard from his investigation.

42

Oh, I should have added to Leon the last words uttered my Mathilda: “No women, no children, my ass!”

43

Pirates of the Caribbean: Jack falls off the tower but follows the concepts of probability and doesn’t miss the rocks.

44

The Sixth Sense: Bruce Willis gets dragged to hell by the shadow demons from “Ghost”

45

The Matrix:

Morpheus: This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You take the blue pill: the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe–whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill: you stay in Wonderland–and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Neo: Whoa, man–Just Say No to Drugs!

46

The Dark Tower turns out to be a bad acid trip.

47

…must resist… can’t resist…

Trigun

Vash says to Knives, “Screw love and peace, go join Legato” and shoots him in the neck. He then throws over Meryl for Milly and they raise Wolfwood’s child together.

48

Buffy: The episode where she’s poisoned and thinks she’s actually in mental institution? That’s the series finale.

49

Romeo + Juliet: Romeo falls in love with himself, because no one in the movie is as pretty. Juliet starts a scandal sheet and features Romeo’s narcisissm and publishes pictures showing his tiny penis.

Charlotte’s Web: Fern screams and crushes Charlotte with a newspaper. Two months later, Fern eats some superb ham.

Pretty Woman: “Here’s your money, Vivian. I really would have asked for more money if I was you. That’s why I’m rich and you’re a hooker with bad fashion sense.”

Usual Suspects: “Wait a minute! My cup was made by Kobayashi! You’re Keyser Soze!”

50

The Hulk: “That kid is gonna be killed in the gamma blast! Well, it sucks to be him.”

Batman: Bruce Wayne and his parents have a nice uneventful walk home from the movies.

Superman: Krypton has minor techtonic instability and another day comes with no problems.

Wonder Woman: Steve Trevor and his plane disintegrate, leaving Princess Diana in peace and immortality.

Spider-Man: Peter Parker contracts leukemia and dies before he can graduate high school.

51

And that’s essentially what the original ending was. Much darker movie, it was.

52

The Graduate: “You’ve gotta be kidding me, Mrs. Robinson!”

53

Not to mention Highlander 2* and *3.

Stagecoach: the Indians shoot the horses.

54

Moby Dick
Captain Ahab rethinks his life and joins Greenpeace, tells them “Call me Bob”.

55

The Ten Commandments

Moses drops the tablets, making them unreadable. He tries to tell his people about them, but nobody buys his bullshit story (yeah, right, Mo, GOD gave ya some rocks with crap written on them). Without moral guidance, the people never move on, settling in the desert and eventually opening casinos and “snake ranches”.

56

Wizard of Oz - Dorothy manages to catch Toto before he chases the cat, and flies off in the balloon with the Wizard. She never realizes she’s in a dream state, gets diagnosed by doctors as being pathologically insane, and gets committed. Aunt Em and Uncle Henry become so despondent over this, they lose the farm to Almira Gulch, who snatches up Toto and takes him to the rendering plant.

57

Kimugure Orange Road: Kyosuke is unable to keep up his man-of-honor facade for another second, and he runs back to Hikaru, promising never to abandon her again. He announces in front of a big crowd, which includes Madoka and his entire family, that he’s rejected this monogamy crap and from now on will let love flow (oh, by the way, is Akane still interested?).

Maison Ikkoku: Yusaku and Kyoko write a letter back to Maison Ikkoku saying that they can all now screw themselves. Mr. Yotsuya gets arrested on several hundred counts of blackmail and three counts of murder. A search of his room reveals a hidden stash of 5 million yen. Just as the remaining residents are about to divvy it up, Mrs. Ichinose is about to stash her share, she’s arrested for child abuse, neglect, and kidnapping (wait, she didn’t tell you that she abducted Kentaro from their home and moved to Maison Ikkoku, did she). Akemi quits her waitress position, breaks off the engagement to her former boss, and enters a culinary school. Shortly afterward, Kozue (fresh off a divorce after just two months) moves in, stating that she’s rejected this monogamy crap and from now on will let love flow.

Love Hina: In front of a huge crowd, Keitaro makes his decision…since they all love him, and marrying one would cause grief to all the others, he’s given up this monogamy crap and will love them all forever. Everyone’s shocked that he’s apparently given up the Hinata Inn, his whole life, for the sake of love…until his grandma enters, clapping. She explains that the “marry one or lose the inn” ultimatum was a test; she wanted to see if he’d callously destroy the happinese of several people for the sake of his own. Since he’s proven his compassion and decency, she’ll permit him to keep the inn, and everyone can stay. Much rejoicing and a huge party. Later, he has fantastic, explosive sex with all of them.

Neon Genesis Evangelion: The angels thoroughly analyze NERV and come to the conclusion that any species with an arrogant, self-serving, chest thumping, money-grubbing, obnoxious pig as its commander and a clumsy teenager with crippling emotional issues as its top warrior is too freaking pathetic to be worth conquering. They leave Earth and never return.

Quantum Leap: Sam returns home, and his publishings of his incredible adventures make him rich and famous. The experiement proves impossible to duplicate, and Project Quantum Leap is quietly shut down. Sam retires from science and becomes a social worker.

Xena, Warrior Princess: On her deathbed, Xena reveals to Gabrielle that the lesbian affections she’s shown over the years were false emotions planted by Ares. A distraught Gabrielle gives up the adventuring life and forms a farming collective with Jocster.

The Phantom Menace: Darth Maul, knowing the resourcefulness of the Jedi, immediately goes to where Obi-Wan Kenobi is hanging helplessy and strikes the final blow. Obi-Wan plummets into oblivion.

…wait, doesn’t that mean that he won’t…ah, never mind. It still would’ve been cool to see. :slight_smile:

58

To be honest, the Onion’s take on Gigli would be more in the ‘But Yesssssss!!!’ category. :smiley:

59

Bambi and Chicken Run too.

60

Independence Day: The alien invaders win, exterminate the human race, and use our planet as they wish. Also works for War of the Worlds, Attack of the Saucer Men, Invaders from Mars, Mars Attacks, Invasion of the Body Snatchers . . .