Cowboy Bebop
It finally occurs to Spike that guns trump swords and he kills Vicious from ten feet away. He then returns to the Bebop to resolve all that sexual tension with Jet. Faye is committed to a Gambler’s Anonymous residential program (OK, that last was a fanfic I read)
It’s a Wonderful Life: To show George Bailey his life has really meant something, the angel Clarence transports him to an alternate world where George was never born. Bedford Falls has become “Pottersville,” a honkey-tonk town of gin mills, gambling hells and bawdy houses. George, who always found Bedford Falls just too boring for words, likes the change. He hunts up Potter, gets a job as his stooge, and spends the rest of his life exploiting the proles and indulging in utter degeneracy.
LOTR: Gandalf claims the ring, battles Sauron for ages, which decimates Middle-earth before Sauron finally triumphs, then rules over the wretched few remaining orcs while the Valar watch from their special island forever detached from the world.
All Hobbits, Edain and Ents are slain. All elves are slain or flee. Petty dwarves are enslaved to labor for the orcs.
Little Shop of Horrors: Since weak, closed-minded Hollywood audiences can’t bear to see our heroes (and the rest of the human race) die, Seymour is lucky enough to find a way to kill the plant. He electrocutes it, and they all live in a nauseatingly fake, Hollywood-ish, gift-wrapped, Disney-esque happily ever after. 
Happy now, kiddies???
That would be a pretty horrible ending wouldn’t it? Oh wait… :smack:
Gone With the Wind…Scarlett realizes early on that Ashley is a dreamy loser, and hooks up with Cap’n Butler at the Wilkes’ barbecue. They escape to England during the war, and Rhett treats her like a queen. She’s so intimidated by the English upper class that she forgets how to be a brat.
Shelters of Stone, Auel never writes it, so her faithful fans are never left with the sense of dismay at this most disappointing sequel.
Home Alone: Kevin is kidnapped. Body is never found.
The Cat in the Hat: Mom finds out the cat was in the house while she was not and has him arrested as a pedophile.
My Cousin Vinny: The boys are convicted and electrocuted. Two days later, Lisa finally figures out about positraction.
Jurassic Park: The raptors turn out to be incredibly intelligent. They negotiate a movie deal with Steven Speilburg, investing their profits in Microsoft, eventually taking it over. THEN they eat everyone.
That one works for me
Attack of the Clones: Within minutes of Dooku’s escape, the specifications of his extremely recognizable sail-ship are placed on the Galactic Holo-net with a bounty of 10 million credits attached. He is intercepted by approximately seven hundred bounty hunters upon his arrival at Coruscant, and is forced to reveal Darth Sidious’ plot to overthrow the Republic. The Empire never rises, and Anakin Skywalker dies in a tragic lightsaber-rebuilding accident.
Good Omens: Adam decides that ruling the world sounds pretty good, overthrows both Heaven and Hell, and remakes the universe as an eleven year old’s paradise.
Halo: The Covenant destroy the Pillar of Autumn, with the Master Chief still inside. Several months later, the human race is driven to extinction.
You’ve entirely missed the point of the thread. We’re looking for endings that would make the movies WORSE.
Gigli:
The J.Lo renounces her lesbianism to the manhood that is Ben Affleck. They go out and make more movies.
Wait a minute…
Seems close to a “what-if” story I read once where God refused to remake the tablets and a society arose which revered what might have been on the tablets - since nobody knew for sure what the commandments were, they had to make laws in the dark.
And then a supercomputer did something, and I’d spoil the story if I went any further.
“Bible Stories for Adults No. 31: The Covenant” by James Morrow. One of my favorite authors.
Apocalypse Now - Willard, Kurtz and Dennis Hopper’s fried journalist open up a spa-resort in the temple.
Scarface - Tony opens up the Tony Montata Center, a combo drug-rehab/anger-management clinic for Rich Fucking Mummies
Pulp Fiction - Busted by the cops, Vincent and Jules are forced to work as busboy/dishwasher at coffee shop.
All In The Family - After experimenting with Angel Dust, Archie remarries a black woman and joins the Panthers. In the final episode he takes a bullet for Al Sharpton
Saving Private Ryan - Ryan discovers he caught syphilis from a french whore. goes insane, lower jaw and genitals melt off.
You mean it isn’t?
No, picunurse, you’re thinking of Tommyknockers.
Dances With Wolves – Lt. John Dunbar dressed as a Sioux, rushes back to his outpost to recover his journal, only to find that US Army reinforcements have arrived. He is captured and beaten, but his tribe send a rescue party. However, at a crucial moment Stands With A Fist reveals that she has been lying all along, not just about how she got her Sioux name but also that both she and Two Socks (who is not really a wolf) are Army spies. She shops them and they are all shot as traitors. The erosion of the Wild Frontier continues unabated.
Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves – Intrigued by the strange accents and unusual quantities of explosives prevalent in Medieval England, the Sheriff of Nottingham investigates deep inside Sherwood Forest, stumbling across Azeem’s time machine and stash of AK-47 assault rifles. At a crucial moment Robin of Locksley and his band of merry men appear, only to be cut to ribbons in a hail of gunfire. Peace and harmony return to Nottingham.
The Bodyguard – Frank Farmer, is oddly distracted by his charge, Rachel Marron, let’s his guard down at a crucial moment and both die in a hail of gunfire. Marron’s record company go on to make record profits on posthumous record sales.
Wyatt Earp – Wyatt Earp’s revolver jams at a crucial moment and he dies in a hail of gunfire. On-going efforts to bring law and order to the Wild West are temporarily frustrated.
Waterworld – The Mariner is re-cast with Brad Pitt as the lead and Steven Spielberg assumes the director’s role. The plot and dialogue are re-worked, the film is shot on time and to budget, it opens to rapturous reviews from critics the world over and takes more money at the box office than it cost to make.
Tin Cup - Roy ‘Tin Cup’ McAvoy, despite relentless needling from his adversary David Simms, realises on the last hole of the US Open that he stands an excellent chance of winning the tournament without the need to massage his colossal ego by proving how far he can hit a fairway wood. He lays up, chips and puts to win the trophy. Only to be disqualified for signing the wrong score-card. ‘Tin Cup’ comes to the belated conclusion that his one of life’s eternal losers and drives off a cliff in a golf buggy.
Thirteen Days – At a crucial moment, Kenny O’Donnell, Special Assistant to the President, vehemently advocates a massive pre-emptive nuclear strike against the Soviet Union, threatening the President at gunpoint when he doesn’t get his way. The Secret Service intervenes just in time and O’Donnell dies in a hail of gunfire. (The movie ends weakly without the audience knowing how the Cuban missile crisis is actually resolved)
I’m waiting to see how you’re going to kill off Crash Davis in a hail of gunfire, Somnambulist.
Moulin Rouge: Both Christian and the Duke catch tuberculosis from Satine, and die slow, painful deaths. Satine coughs up a lung in the middle of the opening night of Spectacular Spectacular and the show fails miserably. Zidler goes broke and becomes a street pimp.
See, I think that would have been a great finale for that show. I’m probably in the minority, though.
Jeez, somebody doesn’t like Kevin Costner.
Open Range will be coming out soon…let’s see how you’d rewrite that one!
FTR, I did like Robin Hood and Dances with Wolves. So shoot me.
That would appear to be the plan!