The Right Reverend Ted Haggard (his homepage) defender of the Faith against the Forces of Gayness and patron of middle-aged male prostitutes (though he ONLY bought meth from them he proudly asserted prior to the voice clips that proved otherwise- and show me one injunction in the Bible against buying meth!), is now proudly heterosexual after a grueling three week reorientation. Cite and lots more sites.
Get your dancin’ shoes on, ladies, cause if this ex-Sodomite Man-Bull jumps the adultery fence again it’s gonna be into the far more Hunter Green pastures of good ol’ Hetero Horndog Adultery, cause TWENTY-ONE DAYS LATER and he’s reborn in the hot pipin’ hetero blood of The Most Famously Hung Man of all times! John Cena and Vin Diesel, y’all done missed your chance, cause it’s Jennifer Anniston and Angelina Jolie he’s jerkin’ the gerkin to now! This baby’s straighter than John Wayne on a tightrope!
Say what you will, that Dick-o-rette gum works. Of course the longer you keep it in your mouth the less it grows until finally it’s just kind of there and annoyed, then you know you’re home straight home. And things have never been better at home: Mrs. Haggard (the cause of his homosexuality according to one pundit) got the happy surprise of her life when he announced they’re going to London for a second honeymoon and while there they’ll be seeing EQUUS every night because “it’s got that hot girl in it and she’s nekkid! I can’t wait to see her 17 year old ass ridin’ that horse and making me realize Harry’s all grown up… cause the actress’s nickname is Harry… you know… cause of that… bush… that I’ll be lookin’ at… cause I’m straight.”
This is really more MPTIMS I suppose, but I’ll put it in the Pit since I intend to call him and anyone who believes him a fucking douchebag he-cunt lying piece of maggot covered baboon shit sizzling next to the pus from the infected foreskin of a syphiletic dachshund while dreaming of guzzling piping hot cock fed from leather clad stormtroopers with pecs of steel. I mean, meth buyers.
As an afterward, this was featured on Anderson Cooper last night. A few nights before was the issue of Mary Cheney’s pregnancy (I wonder if the pregnancy was planned?). Anderson listened to the asses going off on both shows with total equanimity and only slight look of “you friggin’ idiot, and CITE?” If Anderson ever comes out (which isn’t to say he’s gay- he doesn’t speak to his private life cause it helps his impartiality as a journalist [other than the personal bits he shared in his highly personal asexual memoir]) I’ll bet he’s probably gonna be “discharging his mind” like a post-conviction Thomas More on speed.
Now that, folks, is venom. Masterful use of language to paint a vivid picture. Overall an excellent rant at a deserving target. Almost relieved to apply the mandatory deduction for lack of a single “fuckwit”, so I don’t have to reconsider the “there are no 10s” previously unrevealed rating rule. 9/10.
Note: This is actually the second 9 I’ve ever awarded here. Think Elucidator got the other one.
Thanks a lot. Now my boss is asking me what’s so freakin’ funny about fifteen end users who can’t figure out how to enter their shipping address in a webform.
Well damn. There goes my plan to book Sampiro against Elucidator for the BBQ Pit Championship. Was figuring on letting it go to a time limit draw the first time, then coming back with the no time limit rematch which ends in a DQ, to set up the big money cage match on PPV.
I guess it was all in the inflection, because that “What does that mean?” read “What the fuck does that even mean?”
Seriously, what the hell? “I’m not homosexual, I just feel like having sex with men. And then I don’t.”
Denial[sup]tm[/sup]- For symptomatic treatment of outbreaks of homosexuality. Ask your pastor if Denial[sup]tm[/sup]** is right for you!
Warning: May cause feelings of self-loathing, erratic behavior, and in extreme cases deathbed realizations that you’ve wasted your life. People with familial or marital commitments should not use Denial**[sup]tm[/sup].
John Stewart opined last night that Haggard was “cured” the same way that a teenager’s dad would cure a boy caught smoking: by making him smoke the whole pack.
Thing is, Haggard has punished himself far beyond our power to punish him. He’s living in a hell of his own making, and desperately trying to convince himself that he’s happy this way. He’s a gay man publicly commited to renouncing homosexuality. That is his crime. It is also his punishment.
However, if you all wanna heap a bit of extra punishment on this pathetic specimen I’m not gonna tell you no. But all we can do here is add a maraschino cherry to the hot-fudge sundae of self-loathing and self-destruction Haggard has scooped up for himself. What a dolt.
