Oh, so… you had impulses toward men but you’re NOT GAY???
Well, I had a relationship with a man before but I’m NOT GAY!
I have temptations but they’re not compulsive. I have spiraled into the lowest point in my life as a sinner, but I’m NOT GAY!
Because I fight these impulses every day but I’m NOT GAY!
I need to pray and fast, pray and fast in order to quell these impulses, but I’m NOT GAY!
So you said something to me that didn’t make sense before. Oh, well, I was lying. OH!!!
OH! OH! You’re killing me.
My fucking dog, just say you’re a gay minister and you married that poor woman because you needed a beard and shut the fuck up! You guys make your own rules when you need them, don’t you?
Haggard, suck a dick, you’ll feel better.
And so will we.
I’ve broken away from perusing my collection of Brad Pitt photos to make the point that I’m not gay. And even as I ponder bowing before Brad’s manly visage, clutching his sinewy thighs as I mash my face against the spongy bulge straining against the soft fabric of his Downy fresh jeans, I am grateful that but for the grace of God, there would go I in the footsteps of those horrible faggots.
I think you might be a bit late for this train.
No, he is not.
Fat.
He is not fat.
I’m sure ol’ Ted won’t object if someone wants to “run a train” on him.
Nah. Ted’s on Oprah right now, saying all these things.
I feel sorry for the guy. His poisonous beliefs, likely instilled in him by others, has forced him to deny simple biological facts about himself.
Who is Ted Haggard?
Other breaking news stories:
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As Roy Cohn put it in Kushner’s “Angels in America”.
Is the audience buying it?
I think the carriage return on your typewriter is broken.
Why the hell are you people watching Oprah? Pit yourselves!
Yep, Ted Haggard is indeed a big fat hypocrite. Everybody and his dog knows that (sorry, Gangster Octopus 
) ; it’s a punchline anymore. Could it be that Ted Haggard is getting more people to realize the absurdity of the concept of homosexuality as a choice than the most strident advocate ever could?
More seirously, though, Ted Haggard isn’t gay according to the conservative evangelical definition of “gay”, because for evangelicals like that, being gay isn’t a matter of wanting to have sex with men, or even having sex with men. Being gay is about being ok with the fact that you want to have sex with men, and accepting that as normal. That’s why they always say you choose to be gay. As long as you’re unhappy you have these “urges”, they’re ok with that.
I didn’t watch! I walked into the room and my sister was watching, honest!
Isn’t there a documentary coming out on HBO about his little problem? I suppose he and the beard are doing the rounds to promote it. I have to say, I certainly admire his balls of brass. And hers. And just a day after another ‘victim’ comes forward and outs him, again!
I couldn’t watch. I wanted to punch him in his goofy face, and then punch the wife.
Anybody know what kind of salary this fraud Haggerty was paying himself? Those “megachurches” must be great cash generators…no woinder he wants to hang on to it!
You made milk come out of my nose. It’s gross.
I call bullshit!
That’s really helpful. I’m so glad you took the time to respond.