Calling all evil geniuses

A bulletin board was just posted in my office for employees to post pictures of “reasons we work safely”; i.e. pictures of family and other dear ones. (I work for a company that manufactures large amounts of highly flammable materials.)

The managers here happen to have a combined intellectual capacity slightly lower than that of a mouse turd. Example: They force us to read a thick packet of “safety” information each month, including such vital topics as how to avoid eating poisonous mushrooms and how to correctly pick up a box, but we haven’t had a single fire drill in the two years I’ve worked here.

Therefore, I want to make a mockery of their stupid bulletin board. I open the floor to suggestions in two areas:

  1. Pictures including my own face, but doctored in such a way as to cause disdain in the management and general levity among the workers. Gotta be careful on these because they’ll know it was me who posted it, so it can’t be too evil.

  2. Pictures not including my own face. Anything goes here. I’ll post it when nobody else is in the office.

A virtual sex act of your choice to the winning entry/ies.

Hm. How’s about a pot leaf? “I work safely so I can go home and toke.”

Or a picture of you with a hot female celebrity? “I work safely so that I can go home and boink this.

i agree w/ persephone TOTALLY.
all im willing to take a pic w/ u


I noticed that out of the first 16 views, there were only 2 replies, and they were both women. I did say that the winning entry receives a virtual sex act of his/her choice, so maybe I turned off the heterosexual males. Kinda turned off myself, come to think of it.

So: Women get the virtual sex act

Men get a virtual six-pack

Hey hey hey, bubba!

  • A group photo of your skydiving club afly?

  • A picture of you in hard hat, rubber boots and gloves, goggles, etc., lounging on the couch in front of the TV eating obviously hot pizza with iron tongs while beside you sits a can of Bud Lite hooked up to a high pressure braided steel line with a CO[sub]2[/sub] tank and a flowview valve and a face mask?

  • a good, gothy black and white pic of a graveyard.

  • a photoshopped pic of the town you live in, reduced to rubble, with a mushroom cloud in the background.

  • another photoshopped pic of you and upper management cavorting around at some homosexual-frequented-establishement.

  • a pic of Eminem.

  • find and print the “Lutheran Manifesto” in 30 pages, nail to said bulletin board.

  • pics of you with your co-workers wifes and kids… heheheh

  • an anonymously posted pic of someone in safety gear, at work, brandishing a weapon… a jimmy-rigged flamethrower would be best, but a shotgun or something else would work.

That’s what I came up with on spur of the moment… let me know if you pick one of mine!

How about a picture of a box full of sewer rats?

There’s always Jesse Helms. Retroactive Abortion’s poster boy.

And I suppose a mirror photo of you with a camera in front of your face taking a picture of you with another mirror at your back so there’s an infinite number of yous with cameras. If you do this really poorly it would send some sort of message. Granted, I’m not sure what it would be. You just asked for messages not ones we necessarily understand.

Also you could put up a small mirror on the board so everyone who looked at it would see him or herself and under it you would put something to the effect of: “I admit it, I admit it. You are the reason I work safely. I could not bear a day without seeing you. You mean so much to me. I’ve been keeping this bottled up for so long…It feels so good to let it out. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.”
Now there are two possible down sides to this method. 1.) Your bosses take it seriously and give you a raise. Thus your co-workers will think you’re just a suck-up and you will have your worst fears realized about your employers. 2.) Your bosses take it seriously and you have to spend the next six months with bi-weekly sessions with the company shrink.

Personally, I would fix the bullitin board so it would fall and break (itself or something beneath it). The irony there is much more delightful.

Your company sounds like the type to have those oh-so wonderful company picknicks and other suchlike “mandatory fun” Find or make a poster for one of these and post it… a little irony never hurts. Also, if you have any kinda real stupid incentive programs, play off of those. You know, like never be late for 8 years and get a coffee mug, that’s a good reason to work safe.

Stick a little mirror up there.

a picture of an arsenal with a lotta homemade bombs and such, with a hand-drawn map labeled with the name of the joint where you work on a table in the foreground, with maybe a picture of yer manager with a commando knife driven through it, or something…

Seeing as how you say you work with “highly flammable materials”, it seems reasonable that the primary reason you would work safely is to avoid being horribly burned or blown up. Therefore the most appropriate pictures would be those of explosions, people on fire, burn injuries, and horrible scars.

I recommend you find some WW2 pictures of Dresden, Tokyo, etc.

Or I suppose you could post something so completely unrelated and baffling. A paperclip. A hammer. An old tire. It would show your utter contempt for their banality. Or just confuse them. Either way, you win.

(From an evil non-genius:)

  1. A condom. Used or otherwise. Your choice.
  2. Pictures of several well-known serial killers. If you want to be blunt, make them prison photos. If you want to go for subtlety, use just ordinary pics of the killers and see who recognizes them first. (This will also tell you something about your co-workers.)
  3. A picture of Big Brother from “1984”.
  4. Pictures of random animals from the zoo. I suggest the prarie dogs and meese.
    P.S. tristan, that Lutheran Manifesto idea is pure genius. For a modern flavor, perhaps he could use the Unabomber manifesto.

Go to the park and convince 4 random, completely, obviously un-related people (one woman and three kids) to pose for a group photo with you. That will be your “family”. “Bertha and the kids.”

If you were a woman I would post a picture of your favorite vibrator. I mean what else keeps you working safely that the idea you can go home at the end of the day to some fun. Then again, it may be even freakier to post that if you were a male.

You could also print out a picture of a man dressed in full submissive leather gear. Caption “If I don’t get home, who will let him out of box?”

A blank bit of photo paper, captioned “The Voices in my Head”–hey, if you’re not around to carry out their instructions, who’s going to do it?

A picture of a (preferably nervous-looking) goat wearing some kind of leather harness and a party hat. (I’ll ask Aglarond if he’s got one. :D)

A voodoo doll (recognizably intended to be your manager) pinned to the board with an entirely unreasonable number of tacks.

tubagirl, I’m still snickering over the “Who will let him out of the box?”

For option (2): A sheep in garter belt and black fishnet stockings (a la the Gene Wilder segment of Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask.)

For option (1): If you are good at photo doctoring, get a photo of yourself with a woman and a couple kids, but paste your own face over those of the others in the picture.

Put up a picture of a pair of dogs humping away in full flower.

Label it “My Precious Pets”.

To expand on this idea…

Put the mirror in a nice little frame with the words, “Employee of the Month” across the top of it. :slight_smile:

Oh, you can skip my ideas. tubagirl’s “who will let him out of the box?” has it hands-freaking-down! That is hysterical!