Post your suggestions here, and torment a complete stranger vicariously through your pal, Winston Smith. The subject of your torment is a coworker of mine who is imminently deserving. His transgressions? Smirking ignorance, mostly, with a heaping helping of brown-nosing the boss and a side of shirking small but crucial tasks (which as a consequence undermines my hard-won security initiatives). I will dutifully and happily report our progress in this magnificent undertaking.
The only requirements are: I must maintain anonymity, so overt aggression is out; and, I only want to demoralize him, so nothing illegal or dangerous. Sorry. Let us begin.
Guys in my office in my last job did this to one of their fellows. To set the stage, Bob was a really good engineer, but he was less than tidy, and he had piles of papers all over his desk, on the floor around his desk, and in the kneehole of his desk. Someone got one of those automatic air freshener sprayers and mounted it in the knee hole so that you’d have to be on the floor to see it.
Over a couple of weeks, every so often, there’s be a “pssssst” sound followed by a whiff of flowers. Since Bob spent a lot of time on the production floor, it would be sheer chance if he was there when it happened. But it happened that one day, he had a lot of desk time, and by mid-afternoon we heard “What the fuck is that?!?!?” He’d been hearing it all day when things got quiet in the office, and of course, there was the scent.
Meanwhile, the rest of the guys were dying… Before the end of that day, Bob found the sprayer. It was fun while it lasted.
Go to your local bookstore and pull out the subscription cards from every Cosmo, Home and Garden and Playgirl -type magazine you can find. I would suggest approximately 20.
Fill out the forms with his work address and mark the “bill me” checkbox.
I really enjoyed the episode of the Office where Dwight is talking about all the cruel things Jim has done to him and one of them is slip nickels into his phone one by one for awhile, so he gets used to the weight of it, and then one day just take them all out so bam phone to the head.
On some rainy day when he’s toting an umbrella and has left it unattended, empty the contents of all the office hole punches into the umbrella, roll the umbrella back up, and wait. Even if it stops raining before he leaves that day and the umbrella remains closed, all those teeny pieces of paper will be in there…waiting.
Heh…perfect.
Killing silently is a tall order, but a quick look at an anatomy chart will show that the larynx is an easy enough target—providing you can make a stealthy submerged approach, sneak up on your victim, and catch him unaware. Once that’s accomplished, grasp his hair as close to the scalp as you’re able to and yank his head back while using your Ka-Bar combat knife to make a lateral cut across his throat. Make sure you sever both the carotid artery and jugular vein while piercing the windpipe, and press hard; the larynx is a tough, rubbery piece of tissue.
I, too, would like to know the details or Oreoing a car. Though it is a perfectly good waste of an Oreo. Perhaps those abominations know as Sunshine Hydrox cookies could be used instead.
Vaseline his telephone . If thats too dangerous , leave a tampon on his desk. If you don’t mind putting in some effort , buy a small hat box , paint it white , and write midoltm on it and leave it on his desk. Stealth is of the utmost importance.
My debate students Oreoed my house one year for my birthday. The basics: Take one Oreo (accept no substitutes!) cookie. Holding onto the cookies on either side of the frosting, rotate in opposite directions until the sides separate. You are now holding two half-Oreos. If there is at least 30% frosting remaining on each, then you have two units. If the frosting all stuck to one side, then that is the unit. Approach target. Lick frosting. Press Oreo unit to target, giving it a little counter-clockwise twist to aid in adhesion. Repeat until target looks like it has the crow pox. Laugh and each the sides that failed the adhesion standard.
If you want only mild annoyance but still want to drive him slowly insane, start sniffing. Be sure to sniff once every 10 seconds or so and complain periodically about this awful cold you think you’re getting. Make sure your sniffs are loud enough to make him want to crawl under his desk and begin rocking back and forth after 8 hours of it.
This works like a charm. Trust me. My mother in law has driven me insane with this for the last 3 days and I’ve only seen her for about 1/2 hour a day.
