Calling All Single Mothers By Choice

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am 33 years old and I have a 5 year plan to 1. Get a good job 2. Lose weight and 3. To have a baby on my own via insemination. I just had an appt with my OB GYN and she gave me a green light healthwise then hinted sooner is better than later. I’m not even going to consider getting pregnant if 1 and 2 haven’t happened. So, I have some questions for single mothers by choice out there:

  1. Is your family supportive?
  2. Is your child healthy?
  3. Doyou feel that your child suffered from the lack of a father figure?
  4. What is the hardest aspect?
  5. If you could go back, what would you do differently?
  6. Who is your support system?

Any responses would be greatly appeciated. My family is on board but my mom just gave me an earful of anxiety and worries about what ifs so that was fun. I always wanted to have a baby but am not a fan of marriage so if I have the resources, I don’t see why marriage/relationships should be a hurdle to a lifelong dream.

2

I’m not and I’m not aware of many, if any that post here. The SMBC community does have their own message board and I think you’ll have better luck there.

3

Well, I’m certainly not a single mother by choice, but my dear SO’s mother is, so I’ll give you a crack at my impressions.

He is his mother’s biological child; they were married for 1.5 years, had him, and divorced when he was 2. They were together 5-6 years total.

Once she got tenure, (he was 9, she was 40) she adopted a child from Guatemala. Then, 4 years later, adopted again. 3 kids, single mom.

I can tell she loves her kids, she’s a very attentive mom. My SO was difficult to raise as a kid, showing classic signs of rebellion for not having a father. Studies have shown that kids raised in single parent households - no matter the income level - fare worse and develop more slowly and exhibit problems in relationships at older ages. This is not something to be taken lightly, and you should ask yourself if that’s what you want for yourself and for your child.

Are you someone who has tons and tons of energy? Can you manage on 6 hours of sleep, or less? If so, you’d be perfect. If not, well, there’s nobody to take over for you when the going gets tough, unless your parents live close by and they’re in excellent health (which could always change suddenly). Are you prepared to forgo your dating life for awhile? Your going out with friends at the last minute brunches?

But my recommendation would be, first, try to spend a whole day with a friend’s small child. Literally take their hands off the kid the whole day, 9am to 9pm. See how you like it; does it feel rewarding or exhausting? I would strongly suggest only having one kid, too. Multiple ones when you can’t afford full-time help (such as a cleaning person or a nanny) exacerbate your exhaustion.

I would run the numbers. What is the minimum dollar amount you need to make to provide for you kid in the lifestyle you’re accustomed to (whatever that may be), and make sure it takes into account school tuition or moving to a better neighborhood for the public school, feed, clothe, and provide them with healthcare and still have 6-12 months of savings.

4

Here’s something to consider if you go that route. Get a roommate who is also a single mom, so you can share chores and childcare duties.

5

Well, I’m a single mom by choice, inasmuch as I chose to have a(n unplanned) baby knowing I’d be single.
**

  1. Is your family supportive?**
    Yes, and I actually had a fairly unique situation, in that my mother had a baby six weeks before my daughter was born, and as my parents were deciding to separate. I moved back home, and we both stayed home while the girls were infants. My mom had never worked, so when the girls were older I went back to work and she stayed home with them. It worked out nicely, and we maintained that arrangement until the girls were old enough to be on their own for a few hours after school. I was also rather uniquely lucky in that my father took both girls every weekend, so my social life didn’t suffer all that much.

I really can’t emphasize enough that newborn/infant care can be a full time, exhausting job, and I wouldn’t recommend going in without backup. Babies are relentless in their needs, and shitty conversationalists. I’ve seen plenty of bleary, isolated, unshowered new moms in my day, and most of them *did *have some help. This stuff is hard, yo, and don’t let anyone tell you different.

2. Is your child healthy?
And happy as well. She’s 19 now, working full time and thinking about going to college next year.
**
3. Do you feel that your child suffered from the lack of a father figure?**
Not particularly, but she’s always had plenty of excellent male role models and caretakers, most notably MY father, who I believe often forgets she’s not one of his. :slight_smile:

4. What is the hardest aspect?
Well, the one income thing isn’t ideal, but it’s manageable. Really, it’s just that it’s all you. Even if you have an excellent support system, none of those people are ultimately responsible for this child, so obviously you can’t depend on them the way you would a spouse, or even a co-parent. Also, you never get to be good cop. That kinda sucks.

The corresponding upside, of course, its that it’s all you. You make the calls, you don’t have to deal with “Dad said I could”, or negotiating different parenting philosophies.

5. If you could go back, what would you do differently?
Well, nothing went catastrophically wrong, so I guess nothing. On the other hand, once you find out you’re pregnant, you’ll spend the rest of your life second-guessing everything you do. Welcome to parenthood!
**
6. Who is your support system?**
Friends and family, just like everyone else. I was also fortunate enough to have a series of excellent and understanding employers, something you can’t truly appreciate the value of until you find your life hangs on the whims of people who aren’t you.

Ultimately, if you really want to be a parent, then do it. In my opinion, the only thing that makes single parenting **prohibitively **difficult is lack of money. If you have enough money and enough desire to do it, everything else will work itself out.
ETA that I offer the above advice in full recognition of the fact that my experience is not representative, results may vary, etc. etc. Please note the many times that the word ‘fortunate’ or variations of it appear in my post. What’s the saying? It’s smarter to be lucky than it’s lucky to be smart. :smiley:

6

I had my third son, now 11, single and have been since he was born. I have a very different perspective on single motherhood by choice now than I used to. In the 90’s there was a huge push for single parenthood, and a new view that you didn’t really need two parents, and that one was just as good. I can only tell you my own experience.

1)Is your family supportive?

Yes. Most of my family and I are very close, I have two older boys now grown, and everyone accepts my life choices. We all love and support each other, and there have been no recriminations or any backlash to me or my son.

2)Is your child healthy?

He was born with his cerebellum extending to the C-2 level in his neck, which caused a great deal of problems with his head and skull as an infant and toddler, including major surgery and extensive therapies. Now he has almost overcome those problems but still gets occupational therapy for his hands, but he struggles a lot with ADHD and learning disabilities.

3)Do you feel that your child suffered from the lack of a father figure?

He has always had father figures- there are several older males involved in his life that do things with him such as taking him to lunch, teaching him manly things, etc., besides his brothers. It has hurt him a great deal to not have an actual dad, though. I’d like for all the people that say kids don’t need dads to explain that to him when he’s crying because almost everybody else he knows has a dad, somewhere, even if it’s in jail, and he doesn’t. It bothers him tremendously and will, I suspect, always be an issue for him. He’s pissed.

4)What is the hardest aspect?

See above. Include having to work at least 40 hours a week, always having to be there and be the one to do everything, all the time- that’s all hard.

5)If you could go back, what would you do differently?

I would have not had a child alone. I don’t regret having him, but I do regret the circumstances. I fear that his pain is something that he will carry forever.

6)Who is your support system?

Friends and family. Also, because of his medical history and everything, he gets services such as respite care, SSI, special ed at school, etc. The services he got before age 3 were extremely beneficial to us- we had some wonderful case managers through things such as Early Head Start and other places that not only helped him, but helped me as a single mother navigating a system I’d never been in. That was such a whirlwind, confusing, clusterfuck of a time, I don’t know what I would have done without that.
I don’t condemn single parenthood by choice, but I would urge you to consider the dad impact and if at all possible, have a baby with a man that will be around the kid, even if you are not together.

7

If I’m not being too intrusive Alice The Goon - how does your son not have a dad?

8

His dad became abusive when I was pregnant, and I left him for the final time when my son was 5 months old. He has evaded child support since then and has no contact- which is for the best for my son, since he’s abusive.

9

I think that is a great idea. The reality is that even if you did get married with the hope of providing your kid with a dad, things can still go awry and there are plenty of guys who have nothing to do with their kids. I am acquainted with someone who used to be a very attentive dad and then disowned his daughter after he got remarried and decided that his daughter and original babymama were cramping his style with the new wife and stepdaughter. I sincerely wish nothing but the worst on the douchebag, but he is unfortunately not unusual.
Raising a kid is certainly easier and arguably better for the kid when you have someone around to offer some support and hope, but I don’t think it has to be someone you’re romantically involved with. With the track record of romantic relationships in modern society, I might even go as far as saying it is possibly better if the kid isn’t getting attached to your romantic partners only to lose them as a parental figure once the romantic relationship ends.

10

I just want to step in to say I agree. While it’s not ideal to become a single parent by choice, even if you do everything “right” there is still a good chance things will get messed up. In many ways, having a single parent would be preferable than the custody battles, multiple homes and family tensions that even the best nuclear family often dissolves into.

11

I’m not a single mother, but wanted to share a cautionary tale simply to give you another perspective on something you may not have considered.

There was a woman in my office (mid-late 30s) who decided to have a baby on her own through IVF. Out of a team of 26, 5 of us were all pregnant at the same time, and we all celebrated each other’s milestones. Unfortunately, during her 20 week scan, it was discovered that her cervix was failing and she was going into premature labour. 45 minutes later she gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby boy, who died within the hour.

She will never get over this (and I don’t see how she could), but she’s been going through it alone, and has really been suffering. In contrast, my sister-in-law’s sister (34 years old) just discovered at 35 weeks that her baby has Downs Syndrome and a serious heart condition - they don’t even know if he’ll survive birth. She’s married, and the two of them have closed ranks and have each other for support.

We all assume our pregnancies will be trouble free and our babies will be in perfect health. More than likely yours will too - but it’s really work factoring if you think you could handle the situations above by yourself.

12

That is almost verbatim what my mom said in her list of anxiety what if’s. I’ve gone through a long round of personal health problems and have survived more or less intact which is why I had to check with a doctor that it would even be possible to be pregnant. It sounds like I’ll need a team of doctors anyways. It might seem naive and dumb but I feel that I have had to get through so much crap in my life, my kid will have to be okay or I’ll be hogging all the Karma on the planet. :stuck_out_tongue: That coabode thing looks great! In fact, I know a couple single moms so maybe we can do it ourselves?

13

By choice in that I decided to take the kids and leave my husband when they were really small, and we really haven’t seen him more than a handful of times in the last 20 years.

My family was intensely supportive, my kids are grown now and healthy and happy and I’m really proud of the job I did raising them.

They did have adult men in their lives but they also felt (and still feel) resentment that they didn’t have an actual dad. It might seem like a small thing, but one of the hardest parts for me was going to school events by myself. Everyone else seemed to have a spouse sitting next to them and I did find those situations lonely.

Here’s a little drill to see if you can handle being a single mom, not meant to be cynical or harsh, just very realistic…here we go:

Set your alarm to go off every two hours. When the alarm goes off put your ipod on the most annoying song you can imagine and turn it up LOUD, then walk around the house for 18 minutes carrying a 20 lb bag of flour and listening to that song. Do this every two hours for 6 weeks.

After 6 weeks you can start setting the alarm to go off every three hours, but everything else is the same (ipod, bag of flour, 18 minutes of walking). In addition you’re only allowed to shower once every three days and you have to do 3 loads of laundry every day (including folding and putting away). Do that for another 6 weeks.

After that you can sleep for 4 hour stretches, but you have to go back to work 40 hours per week.

And then just when you think you must have been crazy to think this was a good idea your baby will learn to giggle :smiley:

14

And my son just got through another two-hour long crying jag/pity party that he doesn’t have a dad.

It’s not all fun and games.

15

This could be completely out of line, and feel free to smack me if it is, but is it really because he doesn’t have a dad? I’m sure that’s at least part of it, but I wonder if it’s possible that he’s sensing that he’s not quite like other kids. Is he “getting” that he struggles with some things that make him a bit different, but doesn’t know quite how to put what’s going on in his head in words to you, so the not having a dad thing becomes the most visible and easiest issue for him to channel all that emotion into?

11 years old is a rough age, and more so for boys, I think. They often have trouble sorting out exactly what it is nagging at them. I’m sorry you’re going through this with him. It must be rough. :frowning: My heart breaks when I have to disappoint my boys about anything (doesn’t stop me from doing it for their own good, but people never told me that not fulfilling their every wish would be so hard sometimes, ha.) and they’re only 2 and 17 months. I can’t imagine how hard it must be.

16

Just as a heads up infertility due to age is not a slow glide to 40. After age 35/36 or so fertility pretty much falls off a cliff for many women. Some women can have babies (sans medical intervention) out to 40+ but, they are not the norm.

17

[quote=“torie, post:15, topic:552490”]

It’s probably a combination of both. We continue to talk about it for hours on end, sometimes, and he cries and cries. I give him all the adult rationalizations- that he does have father figures, that it’s not his fault, that not everybody has a dad or even a mom and some people even live with their grandparents, and every thing I can think of to make him feel better about it. I hope it’s all sinking in but for now nothing I say seems to help him. Just now he said that he has decided not to have children of his own, because he wouldn’t want to risk them going through this. :frowning:

I remember thinking how much I wanted a baby, and I planned him, knowing that the relationship was going to be a disaster, but it was going to be just fine, because it only really takes one parent to make a kid happy, all you need is love, blah blah blah. It’s just not true, and I feel lied to about it, not to mention how my son feels about it.

I’m sure my posts are being ignored by some- nobody really wants to hear how it can end up in real life, let’s all be Pollyannas because babies omg they’re so cute and everyone really should get one!!1 But this is our experience.

18

[quote=“Alice_The_Goon, post:17, topic:552490”]

Yeah, I think women who choose to have children with no involvement from the dad should be aware that this is a possibility. It’s a crap-shoot. My husband’s biological father has never had contact with him, and it doesn’t seem to bother him in the least. He’s also a great father to our sons, but he did have a step-father who really stepped up to the plate. He didn’t come around until my husband was 6 or so, though.

I hope it is sinking in for him. I can think of very few feelings and attitudes I had at 11 that are still bothering me now. I can relate to your fear for him though. :frowning: I do think the fact that he’s willing to talk about it with you, and the fact that you are willing to confront his emotions head-on will be a tremendous help. It sounds like you’re doing better than a lot of intact families I know, who gloss over their kid’s pain because god forbid they admit everything’s not perfect.

19

I’m not a single mom, but one of the anxieties of parenthood a lot of parents have that I don’t think you can understand until the baby is in your hands is “what if I die?!” As a single parent you need MORE than just supportive friends, you need to know that there are people you can count on, who are young enough to take over for you if you can’t parent anymore.

You need people supportive enough to move in to your house when you are flat in bed with the flu and have a toddler.

Don’t count on the karma. With kids, life has a way of laughing at you. SOMETHING will go wrong. Hopefully, it will be the minor things like not pottytraining to get into pre-school, or being so bossy she never gets invited for playdates.

A friend of mine decided in her 30s that Mr. Right wasn’t arriving and to have a baby. She did a few rounds of IVF but didn’t ovulate regularly enough, and ended up adopting. She has a few good advantages to doing this a lot of people don’t have, family nearby, very close friends with kid’s similar ages, she owns her own very successful business, so is both well off and able to not come into work on her own whim - so the constant ear infection stage wasn’t job threatening. It isn’t easy (it isn’t easy with two parents), but she’s been very successful and happy. She did have to give up about ten years of HER life - babysitters are expensive and there is only so much help you can get from your friends and family - so she missed a lot of grown up parties and events. Now that her daughter is older, its easier to get out.

20

I grew up in an incredibly violent household and all my childhood I used the pray for my father to leave or drop dead so I could be safe.

Lo and behold, I am in my thirties after decades of therapy and I just don’t see myself getting married ever. I have an amazing extended family - the people who picked up my father’s slack as I was growing up. I do have days where I am very sad and angry that I didn’t have a real dad. Father’s Day is the worst. I am the chick snorting laughing my way down the Hallmark aisle for all those “Daddy you kept me safe…” or “To a Father who made me feel like a Princess…”

My dad and I have an okay relationship now. He’s in therapy and he’s old so I could totally take him. But as an abuse survivor, I know no dad is a million times better than a bad dad. My brother is all lined up to be the male role model in my baby’s life. We will give him/her what we didn’t have growing up.

I’m hoping to be pregnant in 2 - 3 years if I hit my financial and weight loss goals. I just took a FSH test today - nice and normal. My grandmother had 10 children into her 40’s and my other grandmother got pregnant just by thinking about sperm so I’m hoping fertility will be on my side if not karma!