Planning life as a single mother - would you? how would you?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Inspired by this thread, I’d like to ask women dopers to consider the following and post their thoughts.

Say you have reached your 30’s, and you hear that biological clock ticking, but you are not in a committed relationship (straight or lesbian, doesn’t matter). However, the idea of being a mother has always been appealing to you, and you don’t want to miss that opportunity.

  1. Would you consider having a child on your own, or would you decide to remain childless without a husband/partner to share the joys/sorrows/responsibilities of child-raising?

  2. If you decide to have a child in your life, would you want to have your own, or would you be willing to adopt?

  3. If you want to have your own, which of these methods would you find acceptable, and which would you personally prefer? (Obviously the choices are a bit skewed w/r/t sexual orientation; feel free to offer other alternatives you might envision.)

a) go to a sperm bank
b) ask a friend you trust (single or married)
c) sleep with random people until you end up pregnant
d) start a relationship with someone and lie about being on birth control, and then sever the relationship once you’re pregnant

If you choose c) or d), would you ever tell the father?

  1. How would your family react to your decision to be a single mom - supportive, appalled, what?

  2. How would you choose to explain to your child the circumstances of their conception (the inevitable “mommy, where is daddy?” question)? If the father is someone you know, would you ever tell your child, or would you consider that information to be “private”?
    For myself, I would say that right now my lifestyle would tend to push me into the forever childless track, but I would consider adopting before trying to have my own. If I had my own, I would prefer option b) before a), but I’m not certain I would tell my child who their father was. My parents would be astounded at first, and worried about how I would manage, but in the end I’m pretty sure they would be happy to have another grandchild.

2

Guess I qualify to answer this, as I opted to become a single mother at 30.

  1. I chose to become a single mom, because I didn’t care to get married again at that time, yet I saw that as no reason I couldn’t raise a child.

  2. I considered adoption, but having my own was just simpler all around. Plus, I enjoyed the experience of being pregnant.

  3. I was in a relationship, but I didn’t lie about being on birth control. I was honest about the fact that I’d like to have a baby, and he was fine with that. We split up shortly after my baby was born, for somewhat unrelated reasons that I won’t go into here, and the guy hasn’t been involved in our lives ever since.

Otherwise, I’d probably choose option A or B. Option C is dangerous, and D is deceitful.

  1. My family was pretty ok with my decision. My mom had just about given up on any more grandbabies, so she was excited. My co-workers, however, seemed a bit shocked; most of them were married or divorced moms, and they kept talking about how brave it was to go into motherhood by oneself. A few of them kept giving me these sympathetic/pitying looks, as if I were some girl who had “gotten myself into trouble” and couldn’t get the guy to marry me. :rolleyes:

  2. I haven’t had to deal with this one yet, and my son is still too young to ask. I intend to be as honest as possible – I don’t want to go into detail about why I wouldn’t marry the father, or about why we split up, because no kid needs to hear that kind of stuff. I’ll tell him his father’s name, and what he was like (the decent parts, only), and probably what I know about the rest of his father’s family.

Overall, it was a little scary at times, because all of the responsibility and decisions rested firmly on me, and I didn’t have a partner there to help me decide whether to call the doctor in the middle of the night for a fever, or things like that. I relied on my mom a lot for advice and support. (“Mom! Is this normal ?”)

But being a single parent means I don’t have to compromise on anything about how I want to raise my son. I get to do it my way, 100%, and I don’t have to consider anyone else’s views on childrearing. I decided there would be no spanking, and I decided there would be no co-sleeping, and now I get to decide what sort of preschool he will attend. (I’m not saying that compromising with a partner is a bad thing – just that it’s simpler for me to make all the decisions regarding my son.)

Whew, long post.

3

I think I probably would want to be a mother at some point, and if I wasn’t in a position to want a relationship, I would opt for adoption. Possibly a Chinese girl, because then I know I would be doing something that was in her best interests too.

It would mean offering a good life to a baby that needed one, and I wouldn’t have the whole “father” thing (sperm bank, random guy, friend, whatever) hanging over my head.

I’d prefer all the legalities nice and cleared up, that there wouldn’t be some third party’s input to consider. So adoption would be my preference.

Don’t think my family would approve, but I imagine that once it was a done deal they’d be supportive.

I think I’d have to be honest about the whole thing from the begining (especially if she was Chinese).

4

I guess I don’t really qualify to answer, as I became a single parent in my 20s, but it is a subject that interests me very much: I seem to be surrounded by women in their 30s ticking loudly.

My daughter’s father and I split up before I knew I was pregnant. He wanted me to abort; I chose to have the baby and bring her up by myself. He has never been any part of her life. When she was old enough to notice that she didn’t have a father, I told her his name, and that he was a good person who simply wasn’t ready for parenthood (that sounds as though it was all very easy to deal with - it wasn’t, particularly around the age of 11 or 12, but I believe it is something she has come to terms with now).

I always knew that I wanted children, and I also realise that I am not not the marrying/settling down type. I really hope that if I had not accidentally got pregnant when I did, and that if I had never had a child, that I would have been able to be happy with my life. But I’m not sure if I would, so I sympathize with women who are in thrall to their weakening eggs now.

Two of my friends are discussing having a child (fairly light-heartedly at the moment). She has just come out of a long-term relationship, and despairs of meeting someone else before time runs out; he is gay and would very much like to have a child, and be part of that child’s life.

Having a child is not an easy decision to make, but in reality, a huge number of happy and loved children are the result of accidents. I was the most miserable teenager known to beleaguered parents: the planned and wanted product of a happy marriage. My daughter bursts with joie de vivre and self-confidence (leavened with the occasional bout of teenage angst, of course, but this too will pass).

When my friends were furthering their careers, going on exotic holidays, out all night partying and sleeping it off the next morning, I was at home, up at dawn with a hyperactive small child. I’ve never, ever, regretted it for a second.

Sure, single parenthood is hard. Parenthood is hard. But to anyone willing to go it alone (although supportive family and friends are a given), I’d say: go for it.

5

I wouldn’t do it. I think it’s wrong to intentionally bring a child into a situation where they would have no father. (I’m not talking about women who get pregnant and the guy leaves so just chill.)

That said, if I were in the situation described by the OP, I would adopt. It’s better to have one parent than none at all and I imagine there’s no shortage of older kids out there who need some stability.

6

Been there, done that.

First time around, I knew the guy I was married to wasn’t the type to hang in for the long haul and be a Responsible Parent. I was right, however, I wanted a child so badly, I was willing to chance being a single parent. Two children later, I filed for divorce when my youngest was barely a year old.

Being a single parent, while trying at times, had many positive and strengthing aspects. Don’t get me wrong–it wasn’t all daisies and walks in the park. Money was tight, my patience tended to be tigher at times, but like MissGypsy stated, it’s my way, 100% of the time, which I found empowering.

Many years later (ten), the Biological clock was ticking again LOUDLY. I desperately wanted another child, however, it wasn’t going to happen unless I made it. I wasn’t in a relationship which would produce a child (he’d had a vasectomy), so I found another man who knew how desperately I wanted a child, and although he knew I wasn’t using contraception, he panicked when I announced I was pregnant months after we’d started sleeping together. He was relieved when told him to butt out and go away. (I didn’t need my child to grow up with negativity, which was what was being constantly exhibited at the time.)

Ten years later, my son is a great person and excells in may different areas (he’s also a very typical ten year old in may respects). The two daughters who were a result of the former marriage, and were raised single handedly by myself are now in college–oldest one is a Junior, the younger one will begin college in the fall. Both are indpendent, intelligent and simply wonderful people. That’s not just my opinion, but the opinion of several, including awards they’ve won for their accomplishments.

Would I do it if I had it to do all over again? Yep, you betcha. Would I do it differently? Probably, but hindsight, while 20/20, really isn’t worth much. Would I do it again, as in the future? Probably not. I’ve had three kids, which I’ve raised on my own, and while it’s been wonderful, it’s also been the most time consuming, difficult and expensive thing I can ever imagine doing. (My son is growing out of shoes at a rate of about a pair every three months.) The biological clock acts up every now and then, and I quietly eye pink ruffles and lace in the department store, and then I just walk on by.

My greatest fear at this point in my life, now that the two older ones are mostly out of the house completely, and the younger one becomes more and more indpendent each day, is that I’ll meet a wonderful man who will say, “I love you, and want to be in your life forever, but I would also like to have a child of ours. Would you be willing to have another baby?” A part of me would jump at it in a heartbeat, but another part of me thinks in the back of my mind, “Are you prepared to raise this baby by yourself if something happens?”

7

This probably won’t be a popular post, but it is my honest answer. I wouldn’t deliberately have a child that I was going to have to rear by myself. Rearing a child is very hard work, and will take virtually all of your time, energy and money. Splitting the burden, even if it’s not a 50/50 deal, helps. Not having to share the decision-making has its advantages, I’m sure, but there were also (lots of!) times where my husband’s input into the situation or problem allowed me to see it from a different perspective and make a different decision that I was first inclined to. Quite often we came to a third, or fourth choice of what to do after we had discussed it together. I really think fathers (not just male role models) are important for children.

Questions 4 & 5: After saying all that, however, if my maternal instincts were running amuck I would probably try to adopt. My family has rarely approved of any of my actions, so why would this be any different? In all fairness, they would be supportive but I’d be reminded of the objections often. I would tell the child early and often how I chose him to be my child.

Ultimately, only you can make this decision. Good luck in whatever you choose.

8

One of my friends did this.

Thirty some years old. No sign of Mr. Right. Wanted a baby.

She tried the spermcicle route, but discovered she didn’t ovulate regularly enough for it to work well, and ended up adopting.

She has very ample resources. She is well off, has a very tight knit circle of family and friends, including several close girlfriends with kids about the same age. So some of the traditional burden of single motherhood is lifted - she isn’t hurting for money, has friends and family to help out so she doesn’t need to do it all herself.

Her family, to the best of my knowledge, thinks its great.

I think, all things considered, its better to be honest with yourself and be a single mother by intent than marry the guy you happen to be dating when the alarm starts going off so you can have motherhood. I’m married with two kids, and I can’t imagine going it alone however.

9

I have to agree with this. I’m 30 & single, and have considered becoming a single parent. I know that it is incredibly difficult, though, and I am not sure how much of my desire to raise a child would be for selfish vs. unselfish reasons. There are some aspects of my personality that might need to be balanced out when raising a child - so it’s not only the physical work, it’s also the emotional & spiritual that needs assistance. I can be a little gun-shy about asking for assistance, though, so for me, going it alone might be a bad idea.

Susan

10

I am a single mother, and there’s no way on earth I would have chosen this for myself. It’s no picnic. Now that my daughter is getting older, it’s easier, but I would do it differently if I had it to do again.

11

I’d figured a long time ago that I’d probably not find someone crazy like me, and adopting is big in my family, so I figured I’d adopt if I got to the point where I could afford children, SO or no SO.

Plus, I’ve a friend or two who were looking for a female friend to bring a child into the world with (he and his SO have since broken up).

But that didn’t work out; I met a nut like me and we dropped an acorn. And so it goes.

12

I wouldn’t deliberately choose to become a single mother. I love kids, and I’m looking forward to having my own, but from everything I can tell, parenting is best approached as a tag-team effort. I respect single parents who can do it well, but the amount of effort and energy it must take to parent solo staggers me.

13

Before I met mr. avabeth and fell head over heels, I had a “Will and Grace” relationship with my best friend/roommate. We said that at 35, if I wasn’t married and he wasn’t in a serious relationship (or even if he was, and his partner didn’t mind), we’d go the artificial insemination route. He wanted to be the ‘dad’, but would leave the major rearing to me.

And I decided that if that didn’t work, I wanted to adopt a baby girl from China. Before we met, I’d actually been looking into that option. Unfortunately, the laws won’t allow anyone under thirty to adopt from China and they’re apparently becoming more stringent on single women.

And since I’d always had a hunch that I’d be single, I designated the life insurance that my dad had started for me as my ‘baby’ fund to adopt or help with the costs of raising a child. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. Having a husband or not having a husband wouldn’t deter me - and yes, it’s a selfish reason. I want to be a mother. But what parent doesn’t decide to have a child because they want one?

Should, God forbid, something ever happen between the two of us, I would not hesitate to be a single mom.

Ava

14

My sitch: I had two kids within a 4-year marraige. Then a few years later, I decided to have a baby. I was seeing someone at the time. He also wanted a child, but neither of us wanted to get married yet. There’s something about having a baby jones, it’s very difficult to ignore that feeling or rationalize when you’ve got it. So I got pregnant on purpose, with my bf’s full knowledge and willingness. We broke up when my son was 5 months old, and dad’s never been around. Deep down, I’m sure I knew before I even got pregnant that I’d be single before long, but oh how I wanted that baby!
When I was in my 20’s (10-15 years ago), there was a big push for singlemotherhood. People started saying that one person could raise a child just as well as two- hell, they seemed to say, the only reason you really NEED a man is for insemination. I bought into it, it seemed to make sense at the time.
Now, however, I’ve experienced the questions from my son, and I’ve had to sit and comfort him for hours while he’s cried his little heart out. He, of course, doesn’t understand why his own dad doesn’t love him, spend time with him, why he can’t be like the other kids he knows that have dads. That’s a very heartbreaking thing to go through.
There’s a tremendous amount of work and all that, that others have already mentioned. Through my 13 years of parenthood, I have come to the conclusion that the world will do it’s damage to my children. They will be hurt, betrayed, and dissapointed by plenty of people, it happens to us all. What I never want is to be the source of pain to them, it will happen to them soon enough.
Yet that’s what I feel I have done for him- introduced him to these horrible feelings and questions, that no young child should have. Yes, he’ll be ok, and I’ll be ok, and I’ll do my best to make sure he can be a happy person… but I do feel that I’ve failed him in a way.

15

I have a questions for the OP:

Can you afford it solo?
Can you afford the day care?
Can you afford the misc costs of raising a child? (college, health insurance, etc)

Can you afford the not-so financial costs:
Can you afford staying up all night on a regular basis?
Can you afford the fact that something is going to have to give (the career, for example)

Will you be sacrificing what you feel is best for your child, just because you have one right now?
Do you realize that if you have or adopt a baby that you are going at it alone? I know that you ‘know’ this, but have you really, really, really thought about it and all that entails?

I know a lot of women do go this route and are very successful. I also know that their lives would have been easier if they had someone to help out.

I’ll be honest. I know what it’s like to jones for a baby. Been there, done that.

Fortunately, I got lucky. Very lucky. Not a day goes by that I don’t thank the heavens. I am able to stay at home and raise my baby. She’s a great kid. She doesn’t cry. She’s not fussy. In short, she’s a dream baby (parental blindness aside). And do you know what? It’s still very hard work. I couldn’t fathom going about it myself.

16

I see some clarification is in order. :slight_smile:

I know that a lot of questions get asked by “disinterested” parties, but in this case I really am just curious as to what other women think. I’ve had this kind of conversation with a few other women, who, like me, are (or were at the time) in their late 30’s, and the topic of family/peer pressure to marry and have kids came up. Since most of the views expressed among my friends lean toward the “probably won’t marry or have kids” view, I was interested by how the discussion in the linked thread in the OP was developing. Rather than hijack Stainz’s thread, I thought I would start this one.

For the record, I am in no way, shape or form capable of taking on such a heavy responsibility on my own right now. I’m in a job that I love that has a HIGHLY irregular schedule with travel requirements, and unfortunately doesn’t always provide a consist flow of funds. Plus right now, I don’t think I would want to go it alone, even if I had the means, because I would prefer to have someone to share the experience with. Maybe I’ll feel differently 5 years from now. Who knows?

In the meantime, when I get the urge to be motherly I spend time with my nephews (ages 2 and 7) until they wear me out. :smiley: