Should I have a baby?

I’ve really been thinking about it. I’m going to be 35 next year and it may just be a ticking clock thing. I guess I’m looking for information from other folks who have done childcare solo. Or even some good info from a traditional family.

Oh, yeah, in case you don’t know me well, I should mention that I wouldn’t do this in the “normal” way. I don’t want to get married but I think I would like to have a child. But I really don’t know what I’m in for. I’d like some information from you folks about what rearing a child is REALLY like.

Tell me the good, the bad, the ugly. Everything from conception to birth to the first few years. I’m really interested in anything that can help me understand my motivations, help me to decide if this is even a “good” choice for me to make. If you could answer some of the questions I have:

Did you really question yourself about this choice or did it just happen? How long did you take off work? What was the greatest problem to overcome? How many people helped you before/during/after the birth of your child? How much money does it take to have a child (hospital bills, etc)? If you could do it again, would you? Would you change anything? What would you change?

Thanks for any feedback folks!

Would adoption be out of the question? Less money, less pain, and a good deed that would surely be appreciated. :slight_smile:

I would love to take in a child that wasn’t wanted but I’m sure my sexual orientation and singlehood would surely count against me. But thanks for another idea to explore!

It hasn’t stopped Rosie O’Donnell, has it? Which reminds me-she is currently trying to help people in your situation with adoptions. See if you can contact her or an organization that thinks along the same lines, and ask for help.

Paging Dr. Laura…

Since I am the mother of two wonderful kids I thought I might take a shot at your questions. With my son I was a single mother, I had no idea that I was going to get pregnant, I was raped by a “friend” and just happened to get the ultimate blessing from it. I never even thought about anything other than having my child, this was a part of me and no one was going to take that away from me. I took off work at about 7 months and meant to go back when he was three months but ended up getting married and moving away instead. The hardest part came when I told my family I was keeping my son, they all thought I should abort him because there would be that bad association but that’s never even been a consideration. My whole family rallied around me after they realized I really meant to have him but mostly my Mother and my sister who were both there when he was born. Since I am in Native American Indian my hospital bills were extremely low, I paid $42. Kids are expensive but you can cut costs alot by watching how much you spoil them. I spoil mine alot and spend a ton on them.
15 months to the day after I had my son I gave birth to a baby girl, I decided two was enough so I had my tubes tied. The only thing I changed with my daughter was I worked harder at getting her to breast feed. My son refused to ever take the breast but I worked with my daughter until she took it and it really is a joy.
I hope this helps somewhat. If you do decide to go through with having a baby let me be the first to offer my support. You might want to hang out with any friends who have babies so you get the feel of it and see if it’s for you. And I would venture to say one last thing. Having had a child with and without a man in my life, I’d choose to have one without every time, it’s just such a better experience without someone else putting their ideas in. Good luck!

Byz, since I don’t have any of my own yet I cannot offer any words of wisdom about the process or the ramifications.

I know this is a thread for answering those types of questions and not for sappiness but I would just like to offer you my support.

slythe’s idea is not a bad one–maybe you could contact Rosie or someone to see about getting some assistance in adopting a child. You are financially stable and that is a big bonus when it comes to adopting.

You are a very smart person and I know you have thought about this but allow me to reiterate that you should really make sure that what you really want is to raise a child. Make sure this is not some misplaced sense of longing for something else. (I have no idea what, I’m just suggesting.)

If a child is what you truly want, I say go for it. I know there are some on the board who will say that one parent is never good enough for a child but that is bullshit. One parent who truly loves a child is a million times better than two that raise children because it is their “duty.” I believe you are strong enough to do this on your own and any child would be lucky to have you as a mother.

Are you prepared for ANYTHING? My kids are my life and I wouldn’t be without them but it was a fucking hard road to have 2 live babies and with both of them I have had unexpected outcomes. There’s no guarantees with this baby business.

Are you prepared for a baby with special needs? Autism? Dyslexia? Granted my view is jaundiced ;). but I don’t know that I would have had a second baby if my crystal ball had been working properly. I have not had a solid night’s sleep in 7 (count 'em 7) years. My older boy’s best effort was the truly special 3 weeks where he woke me up every 20 minutes every night.

Nobody plans to have kids like mine turned out (well unless they are adopting parents who know in advance) and I think bearing in mind that it does happen is worth doing.

I do have a SO but there were and are certainly times where I think life would be easier if I had one kid and no SO. I think he has the same thoughts at times.

I probably shouldn’t post this but it has been an absolute cow of a day. It was finally confirmed that my older kid does have dyslexia and that means he won’t be returning to school full time next year which was my fondest dream yesterday. Instead I get to work with him intensively on getting his reading up to level with other subjects. This is not going to be my idea of cool fun. It means that my projects go on the back burner yet again. The speech therapist told me today she’s never seen a kid like my 3 yo and she doesn’t know how we are going to fix him. Boy oh boy it’s gonna be a cracker of a year! I can feel it in my bones.

So OK enough with the hijack and back to the public service announcement ;). Sometimes the stork brings the totally unexpected parcel and life becomes one heartbreak after another. And it still is worth it. I would never choose not to have my kids.

If in doubt—don’t. It’s not like you can change your mind and give it back.

I have two, one adopted, one bio. I am married.

As to adoption, China (and some other countries) allow “single” women to adopt. Many lesbians have managed to do this - just be discreet. The agency knows, you won’t have to lie, just be discreet.

Regarding cost - kids are expensive. In my part of the country infant daycare runs between $150 and $250 a week. Diapers for one child - $100 a month (cloth is less expensive, but you have to do the laundry). They outgrow clothes quickly, and drink tons of milk and juice. If you need to (or want to) formula feed - that’s another $100 a month. Hospitals bills are the smallest cost, since its usually covered by insurance, but without insurance a vaginal delivery plus pre-natal runs around $7,000.

Regarding single parenthood. Parenthood is tough. Last night I have my husband come home from work early cause I had one of those vomit inducing headaches. The night before we got three hours of sleep cause the baby had a tummyache and screamed for hours. People choosing single parenthood should have a good support network so when they need a babysitter at two in the morning so they can be sick, they can find someone. Some days the kids are whiny ALL DAY LONG. Without a spouse, and the chance to take shifts and get away from them for a while, I don’t know that I would stay sane.

Adoption is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Pregnancy is a pain in the butt (literally). Some people aren’t meant to adopt, and pressure to adopt rather than conceive should be ignored, if what you want is to conceive (on the other hand, some people aren’t meant to conceive, and would rather adopt). If you NEED to parent (and that is the right phrase, cause that’s what you are doing, for the rest of your life) don’t let lack of Mr. (or Ms.) right stop you. If you are doing this cause it might be fun - get a puppy.

I don’t have kids. (Not married, no girlfriend.) I’d like to have one though. But there’s so much I need to do first! Like move. Get a helicopter. Start my own flying school. Make some films. People say I’d make a great daddy, and a good husband. But having a baby would not fit into my life right now.

My sister had a kid. Here’s a picture of him (near the bottom of the page) when he was just a couple months old (he’s 1.5 now). http://pw1.netcom.com/~heliboy/album.html She had him, her first, when she was 45.

Pregnancy was a piece of cake for me, but I felt like the world’s worst Mom when I had to put my daughter in daycare at 3 weeks and go back to work. Hubby was in school and my income was it… We were lucky to find a WONDERFUL daycare and because my baby was so young, she immediately became a favorite. To this day (she’s 15) they still remember her fondly.
The first few years were tough emotionally and financially, but as we moved up the financial ladder, it became easier. Personally, I would not have wanted to go thru this alone. As it is, the majority of the parent stuff falls on me (dr’s appts, chauffeuring, writing notes to school, taking her shopping…) but I know if necessary, I can count on hubby to pick up the load.
That said, being a parent has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I look at pics of my kid as a newborn and I look at her now - taller than I and quite the charmer. I feel that we’ve done a good job preparing her to take her place as a contributing member of society. I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world.

I remain in awe of anyone who does this parenthood thing singly. Maybe I am especially selfish or inept, but I could never do it alone. My son is now 18 months old, and he was a relatively happy and easy baby. Yet my husband and I sometimes feel we barely cling to sanity, and that’s when we’re both pitching in. My husband doesn’t work and I work less than fulltime, now, and it’s still hard to parent the way we want to! We’re in our thirties and okay financially, but still find ourselves greatly challenged.

On the other hand, becoming a mom is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. It’s changed me as a person, and the sacrifices we make for him are worth it. I realize this thread is not about ME, but I’m just sharing with you that knowing what I know, at least about myself, this particular “data point” couldn’t be a single mom sanely.

HOWEVER, many people do manage to do the single parent thing, and many even seem to do it well. I still think good familial support is important. One book you might really enjoy is “Operating Instructions” by Anne Lamott. She’s a single mom (and professional writer) who kept a brutally honest and funny diary of her experience as a mom through her son’s first year. It’s a great read; it’s been my de rigeur gift for anyone who is starting a family.

I am a mother of four. I love being a parent, but I also know that on a fairly regular basis I thank my lucky stars that I am not doing this alone. I really don’t know how single mothers do it. Parenting is not just physically demanding, it’s also emotionally exhausting. If you decide that this is something you really want to do, my strongest suggestion is to create, in advance, a good support system.

I can’t think of anything, byz, that will change your life as much as having a child. And as Eve says, there’s no going back. So you really, really have to be sure.

I have 3 kids. Nothing I have done is as difficult as being a parent. Of course, the flip side is that nothing I have done has been as rewarding as being a parent. And, as someone who believes this wonderful limited existence on earth is all we get, I would feel that I missed out on something significant if I did not experience the joys and pains unique to parenting.

But please do not in any way minimize the investment involved. Some couples have a difficult time getting through it. I can only imagine how difficult it would be for a single parent. Yes, I know many single parents do a great job. But I personally am grateful that I am not always the parent “on call.” And I consider myself very fortunate that Ms. D chose to stay home during the day while the children are young (she works part-time in the evenings). I would not relish the thought of both of us coming home tired from work, and having to catch up on everything that happened during the day, as well as take care of everything that needs to be done in the evening. I know many people choose differently, are very happy with their lives, and raise wonderful children. I am simply glad that we are able to afford the choice we made.

As a single parent, I would have to assume that child-rearing would essentially dominate your life for some years to come, unless you simply wished to pay others to raise your kid for you. Take careful stock of your strengths and weaknesses. I trust you are financially secure? How is your support system of family and friends? What would you have to give up (vacations, socializing, personal spending, leisure, solitude, control of your schedule, keeping your home a certain way, …)? What mood are you in when you come home from work? On Saturday morning? In the middle of the night? How flexible is your job? You certainly don’t want to end up resenting your child because you had to change your lifestyle, rearrange your priorities.

Another thing, if you are going to have a kid, I would suggest not waiting too long. Not because of fertility concerns. But I know how much my kids wore me out when I was 10 years younger than I am today. I cannot imagine what it would be like at my present age.

Finally, all of the above is from the perspective of someone with 3 relatively healthy kids. I cannot imagine the physical and emotional requirements of parenting a child with special needs.

If you choose to be a parent, you owe it to yourself and your child to go into it with your eyes open.

I don’t mean to sound trite, but if you decide parenting is not for you, you could certainly investigate ways to have a significant impact on individual children through various sponsorship programs.

Best wishes as you ponder this momentous decision.

Hey Byzantine, I’m a newbie 'round here, but being a single mom, I thought I could give you some insight.

So let’s not beat around the bush - single parenting is HARD. It’s hard every single day. And it doesn’t get easier as the child gets older, either…in fact, in some ways, it’s more difficult as they grow. If you have a strong support network - parents, friends, SOs, whatever - that can help when your child is sick, doctor/dentist visits if you can’t make them, taking the baby for an evening when you need to get out without puke on your clothes - it can be done, but it is never easy. Luckily for me, I have tremendously supportive parents living nearby, and if I had to go through this alone I honestly don’t know if I could have.

Money was, and still is, a big concern. You have your upfront costs (OB/GYN visits and labor and delivery costs), then medical care, clothes, furniture, food (breast milk is free!), child care costs if you can’t stay at home…the list is endless. Nearly seven years after the fact, I’m making pretty good money, and it’s still a struggle sometimes to provide for myself and my son.

If you or your SO can’t stay at home, there’s child care. I’m a working single mom, and this has proven to be the thorniest issue since my son was born. I was home with him the first three months (thanks to my parents’ support), and worked part-time until he was 2 1/2. Since then I’ve been full-time. I thought his starting school would make it easier, but then you’ve got summer vacation, holidays, weird days off and half-days to deal with, plus the gap between the end of the school day and the time you can pick them up. This won’t stop being an issue until your child is old enough to take care of himself…a long, long time.

My typical day with my first-grader is:

6:30 a.m. - Wake up, shower.
6:45 a.m. - Wake AJ up, get him dressed, fix breakfast.
7:00 a.m. - Get dressed and ready for work.
7:20 a.m. - Run to catch the school bus.
7:30 a.m. - Leave for work.
12:30 - 1:30 - Use lunch hour to buy stamps, grocery shop online, buy new hat for one AJ lost, make doctor/dentist appointments (or attend, for me), etc., etc. Oh, and eat lunch.
5:00 p.m. - Run out the door at work.
5:45 p.m. - Pick AJ up at afterschool program.
6:00 p.m. - Fix dinner.
6:30 p.m. - Eat and catch up on day.
7:30 p.m. - Begin coaxing AJ to do homework. Wash dishes/start laundry at laundromat/try to clean house. Sort of.
8:00 p.m. - Help AJ with homework while paying bills.
8:30 p.m. - Watch Cartoon Network with AJ. Hey, Scooby!
9:00 p.m. - Get AJ in bath.
9:30 p.m. - Get AJ in bed.
10:00 p.m. - Attempt to finish chores started earlier in the day. Get “last call” in to boyfriend, begin to relax and feel sane again and…
Midnight - Go to sleep.

Lather, rinse, repeat. Then add in doctor/optometrist/dental appointments (try to find a dentist with weekend or evening hours!), the volunteer work you REALLY want to do, occasional social obligations, school assemblies, report card pick up, ad infinitum.

Even knowing all that, I’m so glad every minute that I had AJ. He’s everything in the world to me, and seeing him happy is the best I’ve ever felt. Do I think it’s the best choice for everyone? Of course not. Kids are hard enough with both parents - when you have no one around to hand off the responsibilities to, even for a minute, the emotional toll it can exact is huge. I know I’ve gone to the zoo mentally a couple of times. Think about it a lot, and be honest with yourself, before you make the final choice. Are you willing to give everything else up to have a child? I was a lot younger (18) than you when I had my son, so many things will be different in your experience, but the biggest sacrifices - your emotional presence (best phrase I could come up with) and your time -will be the hardest things to manage. But there’s nothing like being a mom. Good luck!

I’ll echo some people’s thoughts, and add a few. I’m a 33yr old married man, sons 1 and 3.

First and foremost, if you are not 100% sure about this do not do it!! I can’t stress this enough.

The downsides:
Say goodbye to most of your childless friends, they will abandon you. It will be slow, and subtle, but it will happen.

Don’t plan on setting foot in movie theater more than once a year.

Ditto nightclubs.

Prepare for serious sleep derpivation, especially the first year. And you won’t be able to sleep past 7:00 am after that first year.

Being a parent is in all likelyhood the most important thing you will ever do in your life. If you’re not willing to subordinate everything else in your life to do the job right, than don’t have kids.

On the flip side, as Dinsdale says, it is an incredibly rewarding activity. The first “da-da”(or ma-ma, as appropriate). The first steps. Seeing a face light up when you walk into daycare, and a 2.5 foot bundle of energy run across the room to throw themsleves into a hug. A face covered in cake from shirt collar to hairline. There is nothing in the world for which I would give up being a daddy, and there is a great deal I have given up in order to be a good one, but I have no regrets.

A last piece of advice, one I find useful in a lot of situations: When you don’t know what to do, always take the most reversible choice. You can decide not to have a kid now, and reverse that decision later. Have a child now, and there is no turning back.

Sorry for rambling, hope this helps,
Scott

I’ll skip the should or shouldn’t you debate and get to the other Questions.

(massive editing of disjointed ramblings…)
I was going to write something witty and urbane for you, but during the last fifteen minutes of trying to get something done while child number two is having a nap ( it’s ending soon) my two and a half year old has decided to pop in and out of the office causing distractions at a toddler level that cannot be ignored, yet they are not serious enough to have me leave this chair.

None the less, I cannot form a sincere, thoughtful reply over a very serious subject becaue someone is alternating singing " Down by the station early in the morning" (that’s it, the only line, over and over all day long) and shreiking, " I want TIME OUT!"

( Did I mention that said toddler has a light case of the flu, which translates into blow out diapers of liquid light brown poop and occasional “Momma, I throw up” followed by him running to the tiled floor and hurling.Then, saying, " Momma, my socks are wet."

This is what I am getting at: *Once you have a child, your time is not your own. *

Oh, and if you don’t adopt, and have a child naturally ( as opposed to artifically) kiss your tits and waistline goodbye.

Your boobs go south and your waistline started spreading east-west and you will find yourself saying things you never ever ever would have said in the peak of single hood like " Gee, those elastic waist pants sure look comfy."

Then it’s, " Oh hey, look, there is a new Barney CD out."
Try as you may to fight it, you will be assimilated.

If you ever need a sperm donor, just let me know. Seems to me 75% of the work of raising a child is the hassle the father gives. sigh