I need opinions and advice re. friend having a baby by herself

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve posted on here before about my friend who I thought might have been pregnant a couple of years ago. Well, she’s just turned 42 and also just ended her second serious relationship in 12 months. She’s now decided that she will find a donor and have a child on her own, seeing as relationships haven’t been working out for her.

I’ve surprised myself by discovering that I have a major moral issue with this plan. This is a surprise as I’m normally very liberal and non-judgemental, and she’s one of my best friends who I normally support in anything she does without question. I’m not religious in the slightest, so my morals haven’t come from an imaginary friend in the sky.

But this feels wrong. IMHO children should be a celebration of a relationship, or the celebration of a drunken night out at least. Not just a commodity that you obtain because you want one. What she’s doing strikes me as very selfish and narcissistic. Such traits rarely make for a good parent.

The two relationships she’s recently been in seemed very much to be about getting pregnant as quickly as possible. From what she said, it didn’t appear to be about two people building a life together and eventually creating children. It just seemed to be about her desire to have a child and she didn’t really respect the guys or consider what they wanted. So I wasn’t particularly surprised to see them fail.

Being a parent is hard; being a single parent is even harder. Sometimes your partner turns out to be a jerk, or death gets in the way, and you have no choice but to be a single parent. But why would anyone consciously decide to do that before conception? It’s like buying a labrador when you live in a tiny one bedroom flat. It’s going to be hard for you and the dog and probably the neighbours too. And all just because it’s something she wants.

On the plus side, at least the child would be wanted, unlike a lot of children that get born. Plus, she has a good job and income, so she won’t be a major burden on the state.

She has siblings and 10, soon to be 11, nieces and nephews. So it’s not like she’s the last scion of her family and her parents are desperate for grandkids or anything. The only thing driving this is her desire to have a baby at any cost.

I know that I’m a guy so I can’t possibly understand the biological urges of a woman fast approaching menopause. Plus I have 3 kids, so I can’t fathom the mind of someone who has none. But what she’s doing still seems totally wrong to me. I’m getting to the point where I need to tell her that this subject is off limits for me and I don’t want to discuss any aspect of it with her. Unfortunately, it’s pretty much the only thing she wants to talk about at the moment. Being a coward, I’ve just been avoiding her as much as possible for the last couple of weeks. I seem to be driving almost every time she calls or texts me and I’m unable to reply. Which makes me a really crap friend, I know.

I tried talking this through with my wife and she was very much on the fence about it all. She agrees that it’s a very selfish act, but she can also see that it’s something she might have considered herself if life had turned out differently.

I haven’t discussed my feelings about it with her yet, as I know my gender and parenting status will be thrown back in my face. ‘You’re a man so you just don’t understand. Plus you already have children, so you know nothing about what it’s like to have none.’ Is the gist of what she will say. But she knows that something is up due to my avoiding her.

A few months ago, when her last relationship was turning sour, she did tell me that she hoped to get pregnant soon so she could end the relationship. I told her then that I wasn’t comfortable with such an attitude. I made it clear that I felt you should be in a relationship for the relationship. Not just so you can get a baby. But now that she’s decided to skip the relationship part entirely it pings my morals even more.

Some of you are going to tell me that it’s none of my business what she does. But the fact is, she’s a close family friend and practically part of our family. So it’s inevitable that we will help out with baby sitting and the like. Especially as none of her family are even in the same hemisphere. As an example of how much this could impact me, she has been looking at fertility clinics in mid-europe as they are cheaper than the UK. Unfortunately, most of them won’t treat single women by law, so she needs someone to pretend to be her partner. She’s been looking at clinics in Prague where I spend half my life for work, so I’m sure you can guess who she’s asked? When I’m potentially that involved, I think I have a right to an opinion.

I’m not trying to avoid the baby sitting or anything like that. The fact is, if she had been pregnant from that one night stand a couple of years ago I would have gladly helped and supported her in raising the child as much as I could. But under these circumstances I would find it difficult.
So what do you all think? Is she justified in having a baby on her own if that’s what she wants and she can afford it? Would such a selfish act bode well for her future parenting skills? Am I being unreasonable in not thinking this is a good idea? Should I support her, even though I don’t agree with it? Or should I make clear the line that is in the sand, even if it potentially ends the friendship?

2

What an absolutely unbelievable thing to say.

This is not about her. This is about you and your baseless prejudice against single-parenthood, something that has existed as long as humanity has. When it comes to family structures, there’s nothing new under the sun and every kind of family is capable of being one capable of nurturing children.

Whether one, two, or multiple adults, whether same or opposite sex/gender, whether birth parents or adoptive, whether genetically related or not, any combination of adults and children can constitute a nurturing, loving, successful family.

Yes. Yes, of course. I wish I had a stronger way of saying yes.

The idea that an unintended or accidental pregnancy from a one-night stand is somehow more legitimate than a reasoned, mature, planned, and thought-through decision to be a single parent is ridiculous and offensive.

This is no more or less selfish than anyone else having a child.

Whether or not it’s a good idea should not be judged based on the flawed premise that the only legitimate source of a child is “a celebration of a relationship” rather than the many other ways of having of getting a child to raise.

3

The anti-abortionists tell me that if I terminate my pregnancy, I’m selfish and immoral.

But I’m also selfish and immoral if I decide to have a baby, even when I am a good person and fully capable of caring for a child on my own?

WTF.

4

We have a good friend who did what your friend is proposing to do. Her son is now ten years old. They have had their ups and downs as one might expect, but as a family they are doing fine.

You asked for opinions so here is mine: This is none of your business. So long as the mother can afford this and truly wants this, then she should do what she wants.

5

“Justified” is an odd word to use. There are all sorts of terrible ideas to have children, none of which matter in comparison to what happens after the kid is born. I have a friend who had a kid for precisely this reason, and ten years later all seems well.

Well, if it’s for purely selfish reasons as you say, it isn’t a great omen, but a lot of people learn unselfishness through the circumstances of being a parent, so I wouldn’t write her off yet.

No, you’re totally reasonable here. You may or may not be correct, but it’s certainly reasonable.

You should support the kid even though you don’t agree with her. What form that takes depends on the circumstances.

If you’re even asking this, it probably is a bad sign for the friendship, anyway. My guess is that once she disappears into single-parenthood, drained of all energy for lukewarm friends, you’ll just lose touch without any need for confrontation.

6

Keep your “moral issues” to yourself, or you might well lose her as a friend.

She’s a fully-functioning adult human being and can decide to have a child via donor if she wants.

I don’t know who you think you are, to be some kind of moral compass for her, but just stop.

7

Yes, it’s none of your business how she becomes a parent. If she inquires about your opinion on what you’re doing say nothing more negative than “It’s not how I went about it” (which is true).

DO NOT pretend to be her partner to help her get sperm if you are not comfortable with what she’s doing.

If she is getting into relationships just to get pregnant then actually going to a clinic and getting a sperm donation is more honest in some ways that what she’s been doing to the guys she’s been screwing.

Finally, at 42 it might be too late for her. Sad to say, but fertility drops off rapidly after 35. Yes, some women conceive naturally at 50 but they’re the rare exception. If she was going to go this route doing it about 5-10 years earlier might have been better, but that’s water under the bridge.

8

You mention that she may asked you to be an assistant with this- if you feel strongly against it, just say you don’t want to be involved in it and drop it. Otherwise it couldn’t be less of your business.

9

As others have said, it’s basically none of your business. She wants to have a child, she’s financially capable of supporting a child, and she’s a grown woman (not a 16yr old kid herself). Seriously, many MANY women seek to have a child without being in a relationship…whilst it’s not the norm, it’s in no way abnormal nowadays.

HOWEVER, that being said, I would be very reluctant to be involved in the conception as a pseudo-daddy. This might well come back to bite you on the arse if for any reason she needs to access welfare payments in the future or in a fit of [whatever] decides you’re not her friend anymore and wants to pursue child-support. If it’s on record in Poland that you are the father…well, let’s just say it’s a potential legal minefield for YOU I would imagine. (Of course, I am prepared to stand corrected on this if someone can show there is no possibility of your name being released to any authorities).

Hey, good luck all the same!

10

Very well said. I can’t help but wonder if his friend would even want his help if she was to read this thread , I sure know I would tell him to go take his
moral issues and shove it!

11

You need to step back for a second and think abut where these attitudes are coming from.

“A celebration”? If children aren’t part of some kind of a celebration of life you’re selfish and narcissistic? This is sentimental nonsense. Abject, literal nonsense.
You’re wound up in some silly romantic fantasy zone and she’s grappling with the practicalities of the window closing rapidly on her option to have a bio child.

Not everyone gets to have all parts of the standard American marriage and kids fantasy. She wants a kid, can provide for the kid and if she can get knocked up God Bless her. As to your notion that her deliberately getting yourself pregnant vs letting nature take it’s course somehow makes the child a “commodity” … really? Are adopted kids “commodities”? Are in vitro produced kids “commodities”. Do you realize how silly this sounds?

12

I would agree that it is reprehensible to date someone with the intention of getting pregnant as soon as possible and then kicking the guy to the curb. Your friend’s current plan is fine. There is nothing wrong with it.

I cannot understand your opposition.

13

His opposition reminds me a bit of the opening of one of the scenes in King Lear:

I’d like to think we as a society have gotten past judging people based on who their parents are and the manner of their conception.

14

Morality wise it seems a ridiculous hair splitting difference between pregnant by design or drunken accident. If this is truly how you feel this is absolutely, 100% your issue which you are projecting onto her.

How her child is created is exactly 100% none of your business. IVF, drunken accident, adopted from China, her 14 yr old niece’s illegitimate child, surrogate. Not. Your. Business.

And you sound as closed minded as someone unwilling to consider a child their’s that isn’t ‘blood’. ie adopted!

15

I don’t know where to start with this.

There is no magic difference between the motivations of a woman who gets knocked up the old fashioned way and a woman who chooses to become a parent. Both can be motivated by a desire to share love as a family, and both can be selfish and narcissistic. The way that the sperm is delivered has nothing to do with it.

Becoming a single parent, especially away from family, is going to be hard. But money can smooth over a lot of the rough parts. As long as she can provide love and stability, the kid will be fine. Plenty of people do fine with less.

So if you have a loving parent and a happy child, what exactly is the problem?

16

And look at how well that ended for everyone.

Could this be as simple as the revulsion that a woman would control her reproductive decisions?

17

So…child born out of a drunken one-night stand with parents who barely know each other, who may be setting themselves up for a lifetime of custody battles and child support payment battles and “No, sweetie, your dad doesn’t want to be involved in your life” = hunky-dory? But a child born from a sperm bank by a woman who really wants to become a parent, who has the financial resources to do so comfortably, and is willing and able to undergo the medical procedures involved, and has put more thought into this than “I’m going to go get drunk at the club tonight!” = not the right way to begin a life?

You have a weird way of quantifying how kids should and should not be born. I think you had better rethink calling yourself “non-judgmental.”

18

Even then, if she expects nothing from him, doesn’t demand he be a parent, doesn’t demand emotional or financial support—indeed, never tells him—I don’t see that as “reprehensible.”

19

Personally, I’m a little nervous about anyone unilaterally deciding to reproduce. It seems like a big enough deal to bring a child into the world that it ought to be a joint decision.

A man doesn’t really have the same option, to singlehandedly father a child, but if he did, out of curiosity would everyone feel the same way if the OP’s friend were a man rather than a woman?

20

Presumably the sperm donor didn’t think his sperm was going to be used to make milkshakes. He chose to reproduce, he just made the decision at a different point in time.

Men can and do use surrogates. You can even find discount overseas surrogates. It’s a little more personal than using a sperm donor, but not really different in substance.