Of course, couples should make joint decisions. How can you impose a joint decision requirement on an independent person who doesn’t share decision-making with any other adults?
A man deciding to be a single parent? If he could find a way to do it, why not?
I’m glad it feels surprising to you. That’s a good sign that you’re not a total twat, just surprised and struggling with this admittedly unconventional (although not entirely new or unheard of) method of parenthood. It would be a bit more understandable if you were 80 instead of 40something, but let me be the first to welcome you to the 21st century.
But as others have said…no. Drunken conceptions are not sacred, nor are the resulting pregnancies often something to be celebrated. (Babies are always to be celebrated, pregnancies not so much.)
Thank goodness those didn’t work out then. Where would your celebration be if she had gotten pregnant and then it didn’t work out? She’d still be a single mother, but that way would have been okay? No.
Eh…maybe. I’ve been both a single parent and a partnered parent, and in many ways, being a single parent was much, much easier. The parts that were hardest were financially supporting my son on my own and the logistics of getting him where he needed to be when I was at work. Everything else was easier. There was no other relationship taking up my time and attention. No one who wanted me to make love while the baby was crying or I was just exhausted from chasing the kiddo all day. No one who wanted to go to a ball game instead of the zoo. No one else I had to consult about making decisions, no one to undermine my choices in discipline, no one but me to spoil the kid with cake for breakfast… I was the law, judge, jury and executioner, and that was way easier than negotiating with another adult and getting our stories straight before we deal with the kid.
Sounds like the ideal circumstances in which to become a parent.
That’s the only thing that should drive anyone’s plan to have a baby. That they are having one because they want one.
Yeah, knock that off. This isn’t about you.
Paging Dr. Freud…is there any chance you have some feelings for this woman that you’re not entirely being honest with yourself about? Because you seem to have an awful lot of opinions about the sex life of a woman who isn’t your wife…and she literally cannot win your approval. Something else is going on here.
Okay, see THAT part is your business. That’s true. So if you don’t want to, you say no. You prevent your own involvement, you don’t try to sabotage her choices.
I think she should become a mother, if that’s what she wants.
Yes.
What selfish act? You keep talking about this “selfish act,” but I don’t see anything selfish in question.
Yes.
You do you. If you don’t want to be involved with the sperm bank, don’t be. But if you’d support a drunken knock up and not a careful, considered, well researched and thought out decision to go with insemination…your friendship doesn’t mean much.
Honestly, I feel like every single person needs to make the unilateral decision to reproduce. You just never know where life will take you. Women die in childbirth. People get hit by buses and drop dead of heart attacks. People go crazy and abandon their families. Man or woman, when you decide to reproduce, you may end up a single parent. Plan accordingly.
Absolutely.
I could care less how a guy got his child as long it’s legal ! It would had been if the OP friend had adopted a baby there are babies that need a loving home .
I really think people should take care of their own business and stop being so righteous , plus we’re only hearing one side of this so how do we know if the OP has not left some facts out .
Honestly, selfish desire to have a child is the BEST reason to conceive. Can anyone think of a better?
I agree. A motivation of “I’m a wonderful person, and I want to share that with another living being” seems like it will inevitably result in some resentment.
I’m another voice in the chorus. You can say “No. I’m not comfortable posing as your husband. I’m sorry, but I can’t do that”. That’s not something you should feel obliged to participate in, friendship or no. Beyond that, I find your “moral objection” to deliberate insemination using donor sperm at a clinic ludicrous given that you’d support the accidental conception of a child through risky, drunken, unsafe sex with a stranger. If you need do badly to celebrate, then celebrate the conception as that of a much wanted, planned for and anticipated child.
Life doesn’t always work out neatly. You have to find happiness where you can.
As a recent parent, I’m of two minds about this:
Raising a child is hard. Even with two parents, my inlaws and an army of nannies, it can be exhausting.
Having a child is actually pretty awesome. So if someone wants one and is ready to take care of one, who am I to say no?
Honestly, the OP is being a bit of a judgmental jerk about this. If it’s your friend be supportive. Otherwise mind your own business.
how do you think gay man become parents? They adopt or find a surrogate. Single men can do the same.
My single, male coworker hired a surrogate last year in order to have a baby. He wanted to be a father and never had the right relationship. He ended up with twins and, even though we all wondered if 2 babies for a single dad might be overwhelming, they’re all doing great.
My wife might not always like me for things but she has to admit, I’m a built-in babysitter.
So when she needs to run to the store, has to work late, is sick in bed, or just needs time to herself she knows I am always there to take care of the kids when needed.
Also we have always worked our jobs so one of us is always home and we never had to pay for daycare.
Your friend wont have this. Although I bet she will be calling you when she suddenly needs a sitter.
As long as the OP isn’t asked to be the sperm donor, it’s none of his business, IMHO. And if the woman wants to make an ultimatum about that, I can see him walking away. But no one has yet mentioned that if she wants to be a mother, there is probably a baby or two who are available for adoption. But I’m a guy and can’t really understand the desire to give birth to a baby.
I stopped reading right there. Bad, BAD idea! I don’t care whatever else follows.
Wait, what? Is there some magic cut-off age after which one is automatically a shitty parent?
Sure, she’s getting to the age where as a medical matter it is going to be harder to get pregnant than if she were younger, and she won’t have as much energy as a 25-year-old parent. But age tends to bring greater levels of financial and emotional stability, and at 42 it’s not she’s going to die of old age when the kid is 10.
Good luck with that. Tell her to go stand in line behind the younger straight couples, the older straight couples, and *maybe *the gay couples. Unless she’s Sandra Bullock, a single woman is going to have a hard time getting a baby to adopt. And she’d better have a lot of money ready, because the costs for adoption are big. And if she’s not rich, she’s not getting an international baby, either.
Why? Kaylasmom had just turned 42 when her IUD decided to fail, and now we have our beautiful and healthy nineteen-year old Kayla.
JacobSwan, please tell us what your thoughts would be if your friend was confiding her intention to adopt a baby on her own.
This is bizarre.
It sounds like when she was in the last two relationships, she was trying to get pregnant without the guys’ knowledge. Now that’s morally inexcusable. She’s got no right to decide that a man should have a child without his knowledge and consent.
But having a child by a sperm donor, who knew exactly what his sperm was going to be used for…what on earth is morally wrong with that? There’s more love, more thought, and much more sense of responsibility going into the making of this child than into your example of the strangers who hook up in a bar and are too drunk to bother with a condom. I cannot for the life of me see how anyone could consider the second one to be more ‘moral’ than the first.
Whether it’s a smart decision is a whole other question. Kids are hard work. I know a single mother who used donor sperm, and yeah, she has a harder time than the rest of us who have partners. On the other hand, she’s solvent and has a good support network, so she has a much easier time than a broke teenager with no support who got pregnant the easy way. That’s got nothing to do with the morality of it, just the practicalities.
This may not be the case, but at the moment it really comes across like you’re outraged at the thought of a woman taking solo control of her own reproductive life.
I wonder about the 2 guys she tried to get pregnant with.
Did she just like them for say their being tall and having the right hair and eye color?
The desire to have kids can be very strong. It is not uncommon these days for women who have not found a partner or who do not want a partner to go it alone. If you poke around on the 'net, you will see many, many websites addressing this topic.
I work with pregnant women and ten or fifteen years ago I would have an occasional single woman who had used insemination or in vitro fertilization to achieve pregnancy. Now I’ve seen it so often it’s not remotely surprising anymore.
I think your friend is part of a larger trend. I also think that people (I also see some men with ‘arrangements’) that have to work hard to achieve pregnancy are very often (and of course, not always) better parents. My opinion about this is based on the fact that most of them are older and thus more stable and mature (my oldest patient was 52), and because they put a lot of thought, effort, and often a lot of money into the process. Like a lot of things, when one has to work to achieve it, it has more value.
But there have been cases where the mother’s financial situation changes dramatically and she needs financial assistance. The state then seeks out the identity of the father to require support.
Furthermore, not everyone is comfortable having kids running around who’s lives they are not involved in. Or they may have some personal or health reason why they think it’s better not to have kids.
And if they can’t identify the father or can’t find him, or if he has no assets, or if he is dead, then the state steps in. She’s just starting with the whole “no legal father.”
I have a friend who did this. Around the age of 40 she decided that she did want to be a mother, but she hadn’t found someone to parent with. She tried a sperm bank, discovered she was not terribly fertile, and adopted. She has a circle of close friends and relatives who have been able to step in where you would need a second parent (I have to work late, I’m sick as a dog, etc.). She has a good career with a lot of flexibility so money isn’t an issue (or no more than it would be for the average two parent family - probably less than the average two parent family). Her daughter is fifteen now, and everything is fine.