I need opinions and advice re. friend having a baby by herself

In My Humble Opinion
41

The one case I knew like that worked out well. It was a girl I had dated a couple times, but she just wasn’t interested. She was painfully shy, maybe asexual. Her family were neighbors and when my mother mentioned that A. had decided to have a baby my mother added that A. just wanted someone to love, which sounds like a good enough reason to me. Since the child is now 37 I assume the conception was carried out in the old-fashioned way. Maybe five years ago, A. asked me to be facebook friend. It surprised the hell out of me. At any rate, A. posted two years ago that at age 35 her daughter had just gotten a PhD. And, judging by her FB posting, she seems to have found someone to love.

Anyone here seen the movie Antonia’s Line? Although this is a minor part in the movie, Antonia’s granddaughter decides to get pregnant, finds someone to hook up with and, in a hilarious scene, does a long headstand to encourage the sperm to settle.

But yes, 42 is awfully late to do this. My daughter, after trying in vain twice before, finally became pregnant with IVF (her husband’s sperm) when she was a couple months shy of 42.

42

Given that the only way a man could implement a unilateral decision to reproduce would be to deceive or rape a woman and then keep her imprisoned for 26 weeks or so, depending on the state they were in, I’d call that a “yes”.

(At least, I hope any surrogates would be willing participants.)

I do; it’s deceitful and incredibly disrespectful. Perhaps oddly, I would find it less disturbing for this reason if she was engaging in one-night stands with strangers on her fertile days.

43

Thanks for all the replies so far.

I guess I’m trying to work out why this feels wrong to me and why I have a problem with it. In my circle of friends that have kids, I’d say no more than 40% represent the traditional family. And even a few of those include adoptions or sperm/egg donations due to genetic factors. The rest include pretty much any flavour of family you can think of. Single parents, blended families, same sex couples, hippies who raise all children centrally, trans gender couples, poly triads etc. Not one of those has ever caused me to bat an eyelid, which is why I would normally consider myself pretty liberal and open minded.

So I need to examine what is different about this situation. She is the first person I know personally to consider going down this route, so it’s either the process or the person I have a problem with.

The only thing different about this process is the fact that there’s no emotion involved. I wondered if that was what I have issue with, but typing it out and seeing some of the replies, it does seem unlikely.

Maybe it comes down to the person then. We are pretty close, I think of her as a sister and she often refers to me as her gay best friend. That means we talk at length pretty much every day and she has no concept of TMI during those conversations.

Over the last year or so, her conversations have revealed a growing selfish and cynical streak, especially when it comes to having children and the way she treated her 2 exes. Her conversations were always about what she can get from her partners, never about what she can offer them.

I’m now starting to wonder if that’s what feels so wrong. Not only does part of me feel that they are bad traits for a parent to have, but a very large part of me maybe feels they are bad traits for a friend to have.

Again, I’m not a 42 year old childless woman so I don’t know if this selfish side is a by product of her biology and it will subside if she has a child and hits the snooze button on her biological clock. Or is it a genuine reflection of her personality that she’s managed to keep under control in the past?

Her support network is pretty much just me and my wife. This isn’t just a casual friend who I might have to baby sit for once a month or so. If she goes through with this and we remain friends, I know I will end up virtually being a parent with more involvement than most divorced dads have. So it is going to end up being my business and I feel like I should be entitled to my concerns.

She has often said that her parents never really showed any affection towards her. Here she is considering creating a child with no emotion involved and I have to wonder if the cycle will repeat itself. She’s also said that the only person in her life who has ever shown her unconditional love is me. So perhaps I should continue to do that to her and any children she has and break the cycle by example.

As for pretending to be her partner at a clinic, I’ve told her that won’t happen. I never lie to my doctor, accountant or tailor, as the consequences can be dire.

44

How in the name of Christ’s holy taint do you know that?

I wondered if that was what I have issue with, but typing it out and seeing some of the replies, it does seem unlikely.

Are you gay? If so, then it’s nice that she isn’t as judgmental about your choices as you seem to be about hers.

No, it doesn’t, and it isn’t. You do not have to baby-sit. You do not have to “virtually” be a parent. You do not have to pretend to be her partner or baby daddy. You have no obligation beyond friendship, if you opt to keep it. As others have said, she’ll be busy and probably find other friends that are also raising children.

Here’s a linkto a handy chart. Do memorize it.

45

I have issue with making the man in question a parent without his consent or knowledge. Maybe he doesn’t want a kid. Maybe he feels that, however he might sire a child, he has an ethical obligation to take care of the kid and be involved in his/her life.

In the case of a sperm bank the donor’s situation is clear - he drops off the sperm and it not further involved. He may or may not have children as a result, but he’ll likely never know, and he’s OK with that. Meanwhile, those using the sperm assume all responsibility for the resulting child. Roles and obligations are clear.

46

I thought about mentioning surrogates, but I may have underestimated how common or simple it is to go that route. It’s not “singlehandedly,” since the surrogate has to be involved, but I don’t know if that makes enough of a difference to be significant. Anyway, thanks, lorene, for providing anecdotal evidence that it does happen.

In particular, we don’t know the person involved, the way the OP does. I’ve suspected that a lot of his unease comes from doubts about this particular person and her ability to be a good parent—and, reading his later post (#43), it looks like that may in fact be what the real issue is.

Even so, there are plenty of people who have children, in traditional and nontraditional ways, who aren’t psychologically suited to being a parent. Sometimes they rise to the occasion; sometimes they seriously mess up their kids; and sometimes the kids muddle through all right anyway.

47

This, in a nutshell.

48

At this point, she honestly doesn’t have time for niceties. If she would like to have a child, she pretty much has to be very focused. She doesn’t have the luxury of letting things naturally develop. I’m not normally one for harping on declining fertility, but 42 is reaching a point where it is a likely problem.

Now, if she isn’t upfront with her partners, that’s definitely a bad thing. But if she is clear about who she is and what she wants, then it’s entirely her partners’ choice to decide if that works for them.

49

If that’s the case, if she just seeing them as sperm donors, then going to a clinic and getting an actual sperm donation is more honest (and probably considerably less effort and drama) than using another human being solely as a sperm dispenser.

I think there is actually a LOT of emotion here - but it’s emotion centered around having a child. She apparently didn’t have emotions towards her past two relationships, at least not in the sense of one adult to another adult human being, and maybe that is what you find disturbing. Perhaps what you find so disturbing is that she is so desperate to have a child she will consciously use another human being to conceive then discard him like a used tissue.

Maybe she’s not happy with that, either, in which case clinic/real sperm donor is the way to go.

50

If you love someone, you’ll love their kid and have obligations toward them both. This is just how humans work, and it’s disingenuous to act like it’s not.

That said, I think the OP is a little confused about the relationship between the emotion involved in conceiving children and the emotion involved toward those children. So many children have be started with so much passion and enthusiasm only to be resented and neglected and abused. I just don’t think there’s any connection.

As far as your friend goes, if you’ve known her for decades and these last two years have been rough, evaluate those two years in context. I’ve had some rough, rough years where I was less admirable and less pleasant. I’m deeply glad my friends gave me the benefit of the doubt and were willing to assume that I was having a rough time, not that my fundamental character had changed. If she was a fundamentally good person for the 20 years before this, she probably still is. And fundamentally good people make good parents, generally.

51

Getting pregnant by a sperm donor is not “unilateral”. The sperm donor knows exactly what the sperm will be used for.

52

If this is someone who is best-friend-level close and has been for years, I think it’s reasonable to accept some of what he says as potentially true rather than just attacking.

Look, just because some of the expression was clumsy doesn’t mean he has no cause for concern. Whether he can or should do anything about it is another question.

JacobSwan, I think your friend’s reasons for having a child probably are pretty poor ones, based on history. The trouble is, you basically get one opportunity to say your piece (“I’m concerned that you’re going to replicate your shitty childhood for someone else,”) and then you have to shut up.

I think one thing you can reasonably say is, “To be honest, spouse & I just can’t be the level of support for a baby that you probably need.”

It also sounds like, baby or no baby, you’re realizing that the friendship is one way, and maybe it’s time to let it go.

53

Cite?

My husband and I are in the process of becoming foster parents with a local agency. LOTS of single people are going through the process too, which is also the feeder system for adoptions in this county. It doesn’t cost anything, and there’s no prejudice against single/gay/anything else - placement recommendations are made by an expert panel.

54

She can’t handle a normal relationship and used people to get what she wanted and she wants to take on the full time responsibilities of a child by herself. Given how easy it is to raise children and how little time it actually takes I see nothing but smooth sailing on the Niagara River.

55

I have 2 adopted kids, so have a decent overview, but am not as tuned in to the foster system as you likely are and will certainly defer to your experience. The reason I didn’t include going through the foster system is because of all the uncertainties involved, as it appears the friend wants an infant and wants it asap, and may not want to gamble with getting one within her timeframe - infants are obviously in greatest demand, she may not want to foster (uncertainty in permanence) before having a permanent placement, etc. For others, it’s definitely a great way to go - as several of my friends can attest to. Best of luck to you!

56

I find her past behavior, trying to use her romantic partners as mere sperm donors and then kicking them to the curb, to be frankly disgusting. I find her current bebavior-- just trying to have a baby without a man involved-- to be much better.

In any event, yeah, it’s none of your business unless she tries to involve you.

57

Has anyone one here even spoken to the friend in question or any they’re just going by what the OP told you ??? How the hell can people judge a person just by the words of one person ??? HUH ???

58

It sounds to me like the OP’s antipathy comes more from not liking the woman than from not liking what she’s doing.

59

That might very well be, and, who knows mane he is right that she would make a terrible single parent, but the reasons given in the OP don’t speak to that issue.

And people who fail to have successful partner-relationships can nonetheless be adequate parents and people who are great at partner-relationships can be terrible parents. There’s no basis for extrapolating one from the other.

60

It’s absolutely her right to do it and the OP should not be judging that on a moral or ethical basis. On a practical basis there might well be several perfectly logical reasons why this might not be a great lifestyle choice, but they are not overwhelming enough to override her right to do as she pleases on this issue.

Personally the notion of a 42 year old woman scrambling to make a baby and raise it by herself conjures up a host of problems related to her advancing age as the child grows, difficulties of single motherhood, and the distinct possibility (if she’s a difficult handful in relationships) that the child will grow up without a positive male role model. Even if all these are true none of them trump her right to have a child.