Best advice I heard on knowing WHEN (or IF) to have kids is: Have them when fear of really screwing up no longer stops you from going ahead and getting pregnant/adopting. The fear is still there (if not worse than before), but the NEED to parent is stronger. And you had better have had that fear already, because if you haven’t, you are going to get whacked with it REAL soon after you HAVE a child, and it won’t be pretty.
I’m married, have a just-turned-3 boy, who is an utter delight, is one of the easiest children my mother has ever seen (she had 7), and is still a challenge. No special needs, so keep that in mind in these answers.
As for your questions, I’ll try to cover areas that haven’t already been covered:
the good: any time they fall asleep on you; that breastfeeding actually WORKS; the wonder-filled gaze as he sees something new; listening to him sing; the day I came home from a business trip feeling rotten with a nasty flu and he sat on my lap (14 months old) reached up and patted my cheek OH-so-gently and said ‘Buuuuuu’ - his word for beautiful.
the bad: screaming fit followed by heartbroken sobbing so hard he couldn’t speak because I made his pb&j sandwich without asking if he wanted to help; blown-out diapers that shoot poop up to the neckline of his shirt, and down to his socks; driving him to the emergency room praying that he won’t stop breathing before I get there, and not entirely sure if he is even still breathing NOW.
the ugly: trying to get the doctor to take your parenting approach seriously (the usual zones: beastfeeding, foreskin care, sleeping, solid foods, allergies, vaccinations); wondering if you made the right choice after having a fight with the doctor about your choice; having no sick leave for myself because I spent three days in the hospital with him with the LAST case of croup - and then had to stay home for two more days because he broke his leg and the orthopedist doesn’t have an appointment available until TUESDAY; having him hand me a ‘present’ only to find out that it is a booger; having to tell my mom to back off on the parenting advice because I’m big enough to make my own mistakes.
Everything from conception to birth to the first few years:
Conception - IF, and if, then how, and if how, then when and how long (9 months average for trying before it happens, in our area), then what if you miscarry (done that twice, totally sucks), and then if you miscarry, IF you will ever manage to conceive again. The effort of NOT obsessing is immense at times.
Pregnancy - learning how to throw up in a public bathroom without puking on yourself or getting your hands in the YUCK on the floor; trying not to throw up in a business meeting; sciatica; really cool feeling of having someone kick in reaction to the music you are listening to; wonder and wonder and joy; feeling like you’ll SCREAM if the child moves one more time in the next 30 seconds; feeling sick to your soul because they haven’t moved in the last hour; worry, anxiety, panic, hope, awe, contentment, fear.
Labor - excitement, patience, anxiety, reassurance, confidence, doubt, pain (though no more than I could manage - TRAIN FOR IT!!!), exhaustion, revelation (in the spiritual sense), awe, humility; more effort than you thought was humanly possible; feeling suddenly connected to all your foremothers.
First few months - having every period you skipped in the last 9 months all rolled up into one; realizing that there was no way you could be ready, but you are really REALLY not ready; finally understanding what your mother meant when she said you’d understand when you had kids of your own; wondering when you will screw up and prove that you aren’t good enough to be a parent for this child; fear that everyone else who tries to help is actually WORSE than you at it - and fear that everyone else is better and they know it; hating staying home, but feeling like a bad mom for missing your job; realizing that ‘ain’t nobody perfect’; sense that the child will always be developing one step ahead of you – STOP, let me get used to you before you change again!
first year - hoping the daycare won’t ruin him; feeling like the daycare is doing a better job than you are; pumping in the bathroom at work; pumping in the car; pumping in conference rooms; leaking; trying to enjoy working; feeling panicked because ‘if I lose my job, we are without ANY income’; rediscovering your own sense of wonder; beginning to sleep enough to make life a more than one-hour-at-a-time proposition; beginning to get into the pace of things; wondering if you will EVER have another break in your whole life; realizing what my mother meant when she said: ‘when my child is cut, I bleed’ - feeling physical pain when your child is hurt.
Next years – praying for a raise so you can afford NOT to use the public school system that averages 42nd percentile; considering job and house moves primarily for what they can do for you as a parent; wondering if you should have more kids; wondering if you are insane to even CONSIDER having more kids.
Did you really question yourself about this choice or did it just happen? I always knew I would have kids, the quetion was when, and with whom. I even knew how many, though I am open to discussion on that. (3)
How long did you take off work? 10 weeks postpartum. Then my husband quit his job and stayed home. At nearly a year old, we switched to daycare. In retrospect, while it was wonderful for him to get to do that, our daycare provider would have been great, too.
What was the greatest problem to overcome? too many to list - breastfeeding problems were hell, living without sleep was hell, figuring out where job fit in relation to child was hell, figuring out how to let us both be parents was hell (for me), figuring out how to be a couple AND parents was hell - some advantages of going solo, for certain.
How many people helped you before/during/after the birth of your child? I had two doulas, my mom, and my husband. At the very least, having two people there as support for the birth is really really helpful (what if one has to pee when you need to push?). I swear by doulas, even if they are non-professional (mine were friends of mine, one of whom was a childbirth educator). Post-partum doulas are also a GREAT idea if you are doing this solo - daily help for a few weeks after the baby is home!!! Take classes, and at least train for natural childbirth even if you plan to use meds - I know too many people who didn’t get their meds or the meds didn’t work, and they hadn’t learned any backup methods of coping.
How much money does it take to have a child (hospital bills, etc)? $10 copay for the whole damn thing, on my insurance. $2000 for a midwife delivery, $4000 if you need to be moved to the hospital, $6000-10000 if you need a c-section, much more if your child needs to stay in the hospital for any reason. Prices vary by region, and that was three years ago.
If you could do it again, would you? In a hot second - actually, 10 minutes after he was born, I’d have done that part again, and that was after 80 hours of labor! In their teen years, almost everyone I know regrets doing it, but that changes again when they get a bit older.
Would you change anything? What would you change? There’s not much I could change that wouldn’t require an impossible level of understanding beforehand - you try, you learn, you take classes and do research, and it is STILL going to be the first time you do it. And there is little I’d change anyway - more money saved would have been nice, but I wouldn’t have held off for just that.
It would be really cool if you could get his WHOLE head in your mouth! I also put off having children when I was younger because of things I needed to do; but now, I’m older, wiser (shut up you!) And I’ve done most of the “big” things in my life. Also is the fact that as a woman I only have a finite time to have children. I can feel this in my mind and am exploring if this is what is causing me to reconsider at this time.
(Gee, might have wanted to mention that before we got married!)
