See, I thought that was a good question. In my relationship, we’ve swapped many of the traditional gender roles, and we’re happy and it works for us. But I really do feel like The Man sometimes, particularly when dealing with fixing appliances while he’s making dinner for instance. My income is far greater than his, he’s a better cook than me and the sewer-on of lost buttons, all sorts of things that contradict the roles I saw my mother and grandmothers in as I was growing up.
So it works for us, since we’re okay with blurring the lines of what it means to be The Man or The Woman, but mentally I still have those roles assigned to a gender in my head.
My husband and I do “role-reversal” type stuff, but we do it that way because that’s where our talents lie and we’re comfortable with it. I honestly don’t think about anything as “man’s work” or “woman’s work”. It just doesn’t enter into my brain.
I couldn’t even answer the “do you feel like the man or the woman” question. I’m a feminist scholar, for og’s sake. I professionally criticize gender roles! I also had a hard time evaluating myself as a wife. I’m not even sure what it means to be a wife or a husband. Are those just different labels for partners, or do they actually mean different things? But anyway, an interesting experience, from both a professional and personal point of view.
I know what you mean! IANAFeminist Scholar, but I feel the same way: ideally, there ought to be no “women’s roles” or “men’s roles” just “stuff that people do and ways people act.” On the other hand, we regularly joke that he’s “the girl” and I’m “the guy” emotionally. On the other other hand, I cook and clean and tend to the chil’en while he works outside the house. And so that’s what I wrote. The space for a free reply instead of just a multiple choice provided a nice outlet for a treatise on the ambiguity I feel about the whole issue.
I complained about the “man or woman” question too. I said it was a throwback to old sexist stereotypes, and it didn’t apply because we both work full time, and we both do housework in roughly equal amounts. If anything, he does a bit more of the cleaning because I do 90% of the cooking and shopping, which take more time and effort.
I did say that sometimes I feel like the Mother, even though we don’t have kids. “Use a coaster!” “Wear a clean shirt!” “Write your grandmother a thank-you note!” “Don’t wipe your hands on your clothes, use a napkin!” He’s a great guy, except when he acts like a 10-year-old.
I felt the same way about that question. Most of the questions were normal and fair, but this one was strange in that it seemed to be making assumptions of gender roles in relationships, and I wasn’t sure what those assumptions were supposed to be. I also ended up replying that I felt like the woman, because that is indeed what I am.
AND wears Birkenstocks, listens to NPR and small mail order company from her basement. (I used to describe myself as a 'Birkie wearing, bread baking, NPR listening, artist granola mom.)
But… what do you think of as “being the man” and as “being the woman”, if you’re not defining it by what bits you have between your legs (or reckon you oughta, if transex)? That “provider” vs “nurturer” thing? I’ve heard about it, but it’s about as much a part of my mental map as the notion that girls can’t read maps or do math.
Being an engineer doesn’t make me a man, any more than being female makes it impossible to be an engineer. I’d have to write to you asking for clarification on that question, if I was married.
If we had defined what feeling like a woman versus feeling like a man in your relationship meant, we would have been leading the answers. Now, I must admit, that when we added that question in, we didn’t expect there to be so much discussion around it AND until it was put on this site, there really wasn’t that much discussion about it. We’ve seen a lot of surveys from highly educated women from this site and from many women without children and I think that resulted in a whole different set of responses. We have decided to do a chapter on wives with children versus wives without because there seems to be (at first glance) a lot of significant differences between the two groups as it relates to being a wife. Sue
Welcome to the Dope. We’ve had thousand post screaming matches over whether it’s rude to ask your guests to take their shoes off in the house. We can argue ANYTHING!
Generally for questionnaires, unless you’re dealing with protected groups (kids, mentally impaired etc) or highly sensitive issues (asking hospice patients about their experiences preparing for death) IRB approval is not needed. Also, IRB protects affiliated patients - if the study is being done at our hospital or by an affiliated doctor getting subjects through his/her hospital affiliation the IRB would want notification. At the (unaffiliated) pediatricians office down the road, we’d have no authority.
[IRB member hat off]
I had trouble with the survey- I think I came off less happy in my marriage than I really am- I think I judge myself too harshly.
