A couple of years ago I read a little advice from one of the smart lady attorneys here at the Dope. At the time she was (maybe still is) a defense attorney for juveniles.
Her advice to someone who was having a lot of trouble with their teenager was that there was something to be said for calling the police while they were still underage vs letting them work it out (hopefully) eventually and perhaps end up with a felony on their record as an adult.
Her words stuck with me even though I do not have nor will have any children. It makes sense to me. Once the kid is 18 he can fuck up a HUGE portion of his life by getting arrested for this stuff.
You have no interest in a lifelong relationship with your car thief, presumably. Might it have been different if the thief was your son? What if it had been your son and he had drugs on him? Even if calling the police is justified, that doesn’t make it the best choice for the future of the relationship.
^Yes. And if the car thief is caught, resists, is beaten/tased/shot I really couldn’t care less. The police report facilitates my car insurance report.
The key to successful child-raising is dependent on both parents being somewhere on the same page, I think.
Our kids had advance notice that should they find themselves of the wrong side of the law their parents would be supportive in helping them follow through with the legal consequences ordered.
In the short run this was tough as heck and there were plenty of disagreements between my husband and me but we always tried to present a united front in supporting them to do the right thing.
Tethered Kite raises the issue that had been bothering me. Whether or not it was the right choice, the father acted unilaterally. Something this major deserved to be hashed over with the mother before taking any action. They may still disagree after doing so, but raising a kid with these kinds of troubles is going to be much more difficult without communication and mutual respect between the parents.
Similarly, the mother’s decision to walk out looks like a failure of communication here as well. The two of them might benefit from some counseling for themselves to reinforce good ways of dealing with each other.
I think the cycle of he grounds, she ungrounds pretty much left the idea of a unified front in tatters. And until that changes I don’t see there is much chance that Dad can affect any change in son’s behavior.
Pot was packaged in a way that could have implied it was for distribution
Son was violent towards father
Father’s discipline was regularly countermanded by mother.
Son has started down the wrong path after being a pretty upstanding kid.
I think a call to the police was warranted. I got involved with something I shouldn’t have back when I was 14. The wrong people, the wrong place, the wrong influence, and I did some pretty stupid stuff. One time, it ended up destroying some pretty valuable property, and the police got involved (but not at the behest of my parents, but not without their understanding either). It really straightened me out, I ended up on probation for 3 years, and with restitution damages. Hopefully something similar can happen with this kid, but the big thing here is that his parents need to get on the same page. My parents were unified in their disappointment in me, in their desire to see me punished, and in thier decision not to see me OVER punished (something at that point I was fully ready to accept…I was ready to accept felony charges based on what I did, but my parents and the attorney convinced me to go for a misdemeanor).
So I vote that niethr of the parents were in the right here. The mom for enabling the son, the dad for calling the cops without discussing it, and both of them for not discussing and coming to some sort of agreement on where this needed to go.
While I agree with the father and he was right to call the cops, I think it’s ridiculous to say marijuana possession/use is going to end anyone up in the morgue.
ETA: Apparently I’m a little late to the thread. Apologies if this has been stated already. :o
Gee, how was the kid enticed down to the tracks again? That’s right…there was supposed to be a transaction involving marijuana. Now, you can go ahead and tell me how harmless the weed itself is reputed to be, but that doesn’t change the fact that the weed is illegal. Since it is illegal, any transaction involving marijuana is going to involve a kid with people who have no problems with breaking the law. Some of them may be harmless pot heads who just want to make enough to fund their own smoking habits, some_as the article shows_are just plain garden variety thugs who will beat a kid to death for the money he has on him.
Right here in this thread, a user who was a teen member of a “buying consortium” noted that he “pilfered” i.e. stole from the other members of the “buying consortium.” Engaging in illegal activity does not tend to put one in contact with honest people nor does it tend to encourage honesty in one’s self.
IME, members of the drug subculture are not the most honest or trustworthy people in the world. When your kid is dealing, he is no longer a pot smoker, he is a dealer and he is very much a part of a subculture that encourages dishonesty.
I still feel like I am learning a lot about how people feel the cops - the cops! - should be babysitters for their kids and take on the solving of family matters in an interrupt driven manner (i.e. whenever a random phone call comes in).
Sucks to be a cop I guess - if only there were some other professionals that exist solely to help families come through matters like this and maybe even emerge as stronger families and individuals instead. If only there were such a thing… </dreaming>
This is a holier-than-thou attitude. No one is talking about having cops be babysitters. It’s about at what point is a teen beyond the control of a parent to where he’s a menace to himself and others. The father felt that this boundary had been crossed. The mother didn’t.
That is EXACTLY what everyone is saying. “Maybe the kid will straighten up if he gets a taste of what’s coming to him”.
Did Dad make this decision that effects the family unit and everyone in it individually unilaterally? How much consideration did he give to his situation? Did he consult with anyone?
Sounds to me like he acted out of anger rather than care for his kid, his wife, his family. The kid is not a menace. He was probably scared because the pot wasn’t his or something, he acted rashly. Nothing that can’t be solved without police.
Because, you know, there are other professionals better able to handle trouble in a family than police. If he cared so much about his family, why not contact them? No one was in any immediate danger in the OP. The kid probably ran to hide the pot or give it back to whoever it belonged to. The world didn’t tilt off its axis.
Heheheh. Yeah, he probably scurried right off to give that pot right back to whoever it rightfully belonged to. He probably just found it on the street the day before, already packaged into little individual baggies. What was he supposed to do?! Now Dad is totally harshing his buzz! The best thing to do is definitely to shove Dad in the chest and grab the pot to go return it to whoever might have lost it. That person will probably be really grateful to get their missing pot back. Why, there might even be a reward involved!
It’s highly unlikely that he was holding it for a friend. That’s just something kids make up when they get caught, it’s not a practice that actually occurs in real life, at least not when it’s baggied for sale.
The kid most likely took off with the weed because he was on the hook for the value of it. It’s fairly common for dealers up the ladder to front a quantity to kids like this for street sale. The kid probably did not own the weed straight up, but had been fronted it by someone else, and he was expected either to return with the correct amount of cash or the unsold weed. You can’t go back to the dude who fronted you the weed and say, “my dad took it, so I don’t have anything for you. Sorry.”
The way I read the thread, you said it’s never happened, and a counter-cite was provided. No one’s saying “This is inevitable!”, just that it has happened.
I’m highly puzzled by the folks who wouldn’t report the son even if he was dealing. Dealers tend to piss people off. Let’s say the kid shorts someone in his “consortium”, and that someone is pulled over later and caught with the weed. He tells the cops where he bought it, because he’s ticked at the kid. A little surveillance and a search warrant later, and now the cops are turning Dad’s house upside-down. If they’re feeling friendly, that is; if not, they’ll conduct a forcible entry, handcuff the whole family, and then turn the house upside-down.
Maybe while Dad and Mom are face-down on the floor they can have a chat about how selling weed is no big deal.
On preview: the above is an example of how the son’s “decisions affected the family unilaterally.” Dad is not the one bringing trouble into the house. Once he finds out about it, though, he’s responsible for the consequences if he turns a blind eye.