Calling the cops on your child.

In My Humble Opinion
21

Not enough information - how’s the relationship between the kid and the parents before? Was this a spontaneous reaction, but otherwise the parents (the mother?) feel they can sit down with the kid and talk about it?

The problem is, once you call the cops, you have in a way betrayed the kid - at least that’s what it will feel like. So there need to have been other attempts at talking with the kid before, attempts at therapy and so on.

I don’t understand why “violence” or shoving of a kid against a dad is so unforgivable for some posters. Would you also call the cops if the father beat the kid, or is that okay as an “education measure”? (Since it’s permitted in the US!) Double standards are not a good way of raising kids right.

22

I’m with the dad, there are consequences to these type of actions.

23

The police/DA would see that as evidence of selling as that’s how the dealers package it.
Claiming it’s personal use won’t fly.

24

I think you’re comparing apples to oranges in your educational scenario. I’m assuming that in your educational situation, the father isn’t doing or selling drugs, but has planned a corporal punishment not to injure but to “teach.” I don’t agree with that, however, if the father smacked the kid once, I wouldn’t call the cops. If the father began uncontrollably beating the kid, yes, I would call the cops, if only because I would probably be incapable of protecting the child. If the father were in a similar situation to the one the kid were in - beating the kid or smacking him and running away with his stash because the kid had found his dad’s stash of drugs or because the dad was drunk or high - there is absolutely no question that I’d call the cops.

The kid is doing something illegal. Granted, he could be doing far worse drugs than pot. But, the kid is not only doing something illegal, he’s willing to resort to physical violence in order not to be punished for doing something illegal. If the kid has so little control that he has no compunction about hitting a family member in order to do something illegal, that tells me that the kid may need further restraining.

25

Double standards are a perfectly good way of raising kids. Kids and adults aren’t equal, and aren’t held to the same standards. As a fr’instance, if the cops were to find drugs in the house, the punishment would be much harsher for the father, if they decided they belonged to him, than they would be for the son, unless he’s over 18.

26

And claiming its a not for profit (except for that 17th packet) weed Co-op aint gonna do diddly either.

27

As usual with these scenarios, we need more information. But lacking it, I’d say the dad acted badly. Not sure it is sufficient reason for mom to leave, but sure the basis for major disagreement.

Yeah, the kid’s behavior is serious and needs to be addressed in a meaningful manner. But once you get the cops involved, you lose any control you might have had over the situation. Add in the often (IMO) draconian drug laws, and a parent could end up with their kid facing repercussions far greater than the parent thought appropriate.

Sure, the kid shouldn’t have pushed the dad over the chair. And that would make my blood boil. But let’s be serious - this isn’t the first time a kid or parent touched each other in anger. When I was a teen, my dad slugged me, and I told him if he did it again I would kick his ass. (Definitely not our finest moment.) I dunno, but that doesn’t impress me as all that much different than the OP. Should I have called the cops on my dad? Or should he have called them on me for the threat? (This was probably the only time he hit me - other than spankings at an earlier age.)

Here there’s no premeditation, no apparent injuries, and no aggravation - i.e., the kid didn’t kick dad once he was on the floor. So yeah, that is a second VERY SERIOUS thing the parent would need to figure out how to deal with. But I’m not sure it necessarily requires police intervention. What has he been like before? Grades? Attitude? Interests? Helping around the house? Job/activities? What are his friends like? What are his future plans?

Another thing, the parent could always call the cops at a later time - after the parents had time to think and talk it over, and hopefully discuss it with the kid. When you say the dad told the cops where to find the kid, does that mean the kid was caught with drugs? And that that was the dad’s intention?

Now what is the dad’s participation in any prosecution going to be? Is he going to be the complaining witness, or is he going to pony up for the defense costs? If my kid had been relatively decent for 16 years, I would hope I would look at this as an opportunity to teach him a lesson and mold his behavior/personality, instead of seeking a way to punish him in a manner that would have lifelong repercussions. A conviction could definitely preclude him from opportunities in the future. And while it is possible that the kid could repent and the family draw closer after legal proceedings, I suspect that would be a FAR more likely result if the family handled it otherwise.

As seriously as drug trafficking is often treated, I would be EXTREMELY hesitant to have my kid burdened with such a charge at such a young age for what sounds like a first infraction. I think it would be far better to wait for the kid to return home (I presume he is not sufficiently independent that he can simply never return?) The parent can certainly insist on “Not in my house.” Andif the kid doesn’t like it, they can investigate what it takes for him to be legally emancipated. But I would like to do whatever I could to see what we COULD do ourselves, before I turned it over to the authorities.

Final observation - while I would not want my kids dealing out of my house, my response is likely influenced by the fact that I strongly disagree with current pot laws.

28

The dad is 100% right. I have no idea what the other family members are thinking. It’s not just having some pot. It’s having a lot and then getting physical when caught. That’s strike 3.

29

Not over the pot by itself, no. But over the violence, absolutely. There’s nothing saying that Dad has to press charges once Kid is arrested. But cooling his heels in a jail cell for an hour might remind the kid that actions have consequences.

I’d also get the kid into counseling post-haste.

Are you serious? Of course you call the cops if a parent is beating his child. Or a husband beating his wife, wife beating her husband, neighbor beating neighbor, whatever. Who in their right mind wouldn’t call the cops?

30

I’m a father and I side with the mother. The shove/ “violence” has me a little concerned, but I guess that kind of thing is no longer expected. Getting the police involved at this stage seems more likely to backfire as not. If this kid is institutionilized in any fashion (juvie/group home/ reform school) he’s almost absolutely going to fare worse than any parental intervention. This doesn’t even go into all the other legal consequences a drug conviction will absolutely visit upon the kid. A short list:
No financial aid for college.
Limited scope of future travel.
Depending on your state; the right to vote.
No government poverty assistance.
Those are off the top of my head. There’s plenty more.

31

Emphasis mine. This is the problem with the police response. Both of the potential charges the kid will be exposed to are aggressively prosecuted these days. In most jurisdictions Domestic Violence is an automatic charge based upon the circumstances not the complaining parties. The decision to prosecute is may solely be a function of the DA, and in some jurisdictions dropping charges of domestic violence can expose you to charges yourself. Dealing is even worse. Police are not meant to be supplemental parents, life is not a sitcom.

32

That’s a phone call. Pot? No big deal. Shoving dad over a chair? Enjoy your night in jail, you little shit.

Those don’t apply to juveniles, AFAIK.

33

Where in the world did you get that impression? All of those mentioned came to light precisely because of juveniles. I used to help run a mentoring program in Oakland for at risk youth. I kept a ton of newspaper stories making these exact points to scare the shit out of teenagers. If you need cites I’ll dig some up.

34

On the other hand, I imagine even proponents of corporal punishment for kids would agree that knocking a kid backwards over a chair is an unacceptable way to discipline a child. So there’s not really a double standard anyway.

35

Well, there are a lot of Dopers on this board who have said repeatdly that

  • school teachers can get permission by parents to beat the children for discipline
  • that beating a child (called paddling to make it sound harmless) is part of discipling a child or educating it (apparently, the last 100 years of pedagogic research never reached the US)
  • that they wish to beat children who are misbehaving in public to make them shut up and teach them to stop being spoiled (when being spoiled is the fault of the parents, but beating is not the antidote to that)
  • that it is allowed under the law in Mississippi and … I forgot which other states, to beat your child.

So, are all those people lying, or do you live in a state where beating is not allowed? (It’s still allowed in the UK, too, last I looked on wikipedia).

36

whether the dad is right or not, nobody thinks the other parent has any say on the matter, so long as he is right?

37

Sounds like a definite maybe:
http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/before013.htm

The other issue is if the DA decides to prosecute the kid as an adult. The kid then goes up for dealer AND assault - not a pretty picture. As a juvenile, he might just end up in juvenile hall lockup, alternative school, and a ward of the state instead of his parents.

My brother took a swing at my dad when he was 16. Dad dealt with it, instead of calling the cops. Calling the cops would have ended their relationship. The reason I said I would not call the cops (and I have a son close to the age of our perp) is that I would want to still be able to have some control over the situation. I would call the cops if I think I have lost control.

I did not read the scenario as control being completely lost yet. There might be a lot more here, but I was going on the information we have.

38

They are not the same, but that doesn’t mean that children should be treated as less than humans. They should be treated according to their age. Allowing adults to beat the children, but acting as if a child hitting back in frustration / anger is unforgivable is a bad double standard.

“I learned two things from my dad. One, when to duck. Two, you don’t teach a child anything by hitting it.” (Paraphrased from Ray on Due South).

I was reacting to the shock of OMG he shoved his father, the kid is evil!!, not to the drugs.

39

I never said anything about police being “supplemental parents” (?). I did say that actions have consequences, and resorting to violence over possibly getting grounded does not, should not fly.

Kid’s a juvie and a first offender. Dad also probably has the option of working with the defense attorney and DA to work out a plea bargain, should it come to that. This doesn’t have to be the end of the world, but getting off with just a “stern talking to” when he assaulted his dad is not proportional to what he did. If he’s to the point where he actually thinks that sort of thing is okay, I really have my doubts that a stern talking to would do jack shit, anyway.

We live in a society where it’s not okay to violently knock someone down, for any reason. Kid can either figure that out now, or end up in jail later. At 16, if you let him skate on this, you can bet that he will take it as a sanction that he can do pretty much whatever he wants, and he will just take it as a given that his parents will bail him out. I’ve seen this in my own family, and that “kid” is now 25 with two kids that he doesn’t want to be a parent to. Guess who ends up parenting them? Not the the kid who fathered them, that’s for sure.

40

This is kind of where I am. I might sit down and have a think about it first, maybe decide to try something else, but IMO the dad’s reaction is not wrong.