I posit that the Hummer is a garish and selfish display of consumerism that necessarily denotes an unfriendly attitude and very likely compensates for one’s own perceived shortcomings (penile or otherwise).
That sure sounds like an opinion. If it’s an opinion, then surely there’s folks out there with a different opinion, right? Can anyone argue otherwise?
This is my substitute for walking up to a random Hummer owner in the Best Buy parking lot and asking, “Are you an asshole?”
I could defend it. But first, you need to explain why it needs defending! Unless you’re against consumerism (i.e. choice), in which case there’s no hope for you…
It’s a vehicle. People have different tastes. Get over it.
Note: I do not now, nor have I ever, owned a Hummer.
P.S. You should reconsider your username, you don’t sound all that happy.
I see absolutely no reason for a Hummer (the vehicle, of course. The other type of hummer is perfectly acceptable) to exist.
I can understand the rare instance where someone might benefit from ownership of an H1. They truly are supurb vehicles for transport in extreme environments, hence their adoption by the US Army, and should someone’s needs fall into that category then have at it.
The H2 though? That ostentatious, wasteful, no purposed, piece of shit styling on a Suburban frame? There’s no excuse for such an egregious choice. I can’t get over some of the absolutely boorish behavior I’ve seen H2 drivers exhibit.
I think it needs defending but it’s good at absolutely nothing except taking too much fuel, taking up too much space on the road and in parking lots, and costs a ton of money. There’s nothing in the “pro” column and plenty in the “con” column.
The only reason people get them is to show off that they could afford it.
Not to mention two instances of Hummers that really depressed/pissed me off lately:
Depressed:
Passed a house, where I saw the owner of a Hummer pulling in. Fairly obviously it was his house because two kids were there that said “Daddy’s home”. The house was run-down, the kids were wearing rags and were scrawny, nothing was maintained, and there were 2 other cars on the lawn. And yet Daddy had to have his Hummer.
Pissed off:
I live in a neighborhood with on-street parking and the Hummers have pissed me off this year so much. They take up so much room just driving and neither of them can park worth a damn, and even if they can, they still take up too much room. Even the SUVs don’t take up that much room, and I am way less resentful of SUVs. (Not that I like them but that’s a different rant.)
I am not against consumerism. What I am against is excess, in anything. Everything in moderation, including moderation, which is why I don’t complain about SUVs or giant gas-guzzling station wagons, or even the minivans. I do firmly believe the Hummer is an excess.
Are you talking about the Hummer H1, which was a civilian version of the military HMMWV? That thing is just cool. It’s big, powerful, and extremely capable. I’ll defend that anyday.
The Hummer H2 and H3 are pieces of crap, and I agree that there is probably something wrong with people who buy them.
However - I don’t think my personal opinion of the H2 and H3 should prevent anyone from buying one. I would certainly object and call my congressman if someone tried to outlaw them.
Also - I dislike the H2 and H3 because they are pointless and poorly-engineered, not because of any of the reasons you listed. I’m curious - what exactly is ‘consumerism’, and why is it bad?
How is it any different than a dozen other oversized gashogs on the market? The Navigator/Explorer/Expedition/Tahoe/Suburban are all very similar to the Hummer in every way except looks and actual offroad usability, and differ from the H2 and H3 only in looks, right? They are all too damn big and occasionally driven by people who don’t need that much machine, so why pick on the only one in the list that’s actually tough enough to do something besides ferry kids back and forth?
If I had the money I’d have one. I’d park it right next to the Prius I’d also have, plant a big ol’ “NRA” sticker on the Prius and a “Gore” sticker on the Hummer.
Because Hummers are ugly. At least a private jet looks good.
I object to Hummers on the grounds that they’re actively dangerous to other people on the road - their general sizes and builds mean that they’re much more likely to hurt or kill people in other cars in the event of an accident. Cars are reinforced around the door area because that’s where the grills of other cars are - but the hummer’s front end will come right through at window-level and seriously main or kill a person driving a standard car. For this reason alone they should be illegal or at the absolute least frowned upon and socially censured, because the decision to own and drive one is a direct threat to the safety of people driving vehicles of standard dimensions.
They’re also a nuisance in that they take up significantly more space than other vehicles in crowded parking situations and are very difficult to see around in traffic situations where the ability to scan the road ahead is crucial.
We are contemplating moving to a big ol’ honkin’ piece o’ land in by God West Virginia. When we do, hubby wants a Hummer (not an H2 or H3, which he hates). However, if you move to the middle of nowhere, sometimes you need a vehicle that can get you around in extreme conditions. Also, we’re looking at tracts of land that boast free natural gas. So he wants a Hummer he can convert to run on that gas.
All that being said, they’re ugly as sin, and I told him he can only have one if he promises to keep it in the garage. 
Most rich people don’t park their yachts and jets right next to my car at the mall.
Everything in its place, ya know…
Some people have more money than sense. Hummers help address that imbalance. And make said people easily identifiable.
I think those guys are morons too! I’m sure it’s a personal failing on my part, I’m entirely comfortable living with that.
PS You forgot the Escalade a vehicle that practically screams “I’m a dick”.
H2 is the avatar of “conspicuous consumption” as far as I’m concerned. More form than function. All flash, no substance. All engine, no drive shaft… Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing, etc, etc, etc.
H3 says to me, “I couldn’t afford an H2”.
An H1 is a dream-toy for me as long as it’s real and not lowered/low-profile tires/etc.
That’s West by God Virginia. Better study, it’s on the citizenship test.
lol! That’s the best defense I’ve heard.
In response to a couple others:
(a) I’m generally very happy, thank you.
(b) No, it’s not significantly different than other monsters of the road, but I’m sure you agree it’s the most conspicuous example.
(c) Yes, I do think there are circumstances where an H1 might be useful. Honestly I have a lot more respect for an H1 driver; at least they’re getting the original.
Compounding what Belrix had to say, I tend to agree with the OP as far as GM’s new consumer-oriented Hummer models are concerned. If you own one of these, I do tend to think you have some kind of sociopathic and/or compensatory issue. The distinction lies in which Hummer it is. As Belrix said, if it’s an H3 then I think you’re someone who can’t afford an H2, and if you’ve an H2 you’re someone who can’t afford the real AM General Humvee.
To me, the pseudo-Hummer owners are along the same lines as the guys who trick out their economy cars to look like exotic supercars, or something else they’re not. They’re not fooling anyone with their ostentatious pieces of rolling knockoff junk. The new Hummers are gaudy, stupid, ostentatious and lacking any exclusivity. They are plasticky, veneered, and fake where the original AM General Hummer was solid, strong and authentic. Yes, the converted AM General Humvee may be a completely overkill, grotesquely exaggerated excuse for civilian transport, but at least it was unique, authentic, and had exclusivity. That’s worthy of some level of respect, regardless of what you use it for … and this is something the H2 and H3 will never achieve by virtue of their very existence. They are not exclusive, they’re just gimmicks, and so are you if you own one.
Where else would a husband want a hummer?
Oh stop. Someone had to go there. 
I’ve got a friend who drives one. I was in it, on the last trip to Los Angeles. He has an H2. It is obscenely huge and embarassing. He also said it gets about 8mpg, which I suspect is less than some of the other enormo-rides listed. ( I drove, and now have for sale, a 1995 Diesel V-8 Turbo Suburban. Gets 22 mpg on hiway, which is good for an SUV that huge ).
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