Sure a lost truck can be regained. Just wait for the parking lot to empty, and it’ll be much easier to find.
Oh, wait…nevermind…
Bottom line: no, trust can never be regained.
Qualifiers: both sides of the issue(s) can work to restore as much trust as possible. Some acknowledgement that “nobody’s perfect” can help to relieve some of the loss. There may even be opportunity for the offending party to prove his/her worth in other instances.
But once the loss of trust in someone previously deemed “trustworthy” has happened, not only that person’s trust but probably trust in general takes a big hit. Most people learn the hard way that trusting anyone has its risks and that unqualified trust of anyone is not wise. But I think we all start out believing nobody would break our trust. It just takes some of us longer than others to realize it’s a foolish expectation.
It really depends on the person. My husband cheated on me whe we first started dating “exclusively” and when I found out I was devistated. I told him then (after much groveling on his part) that if he did it again it was over and he would never see me again. We got married 18 months later and now have a beautiful baby. He comes straight home from work every day and on his days off I go out to the library alone while he stays home with the baby. 
I still have days when the old thoughts come in but I know in my heart that he’ll not do that again. He knows if it does he’ll never see his only child again. I guess you could say he has incentive huh 
I guess I should add that we have been together for almost 4 years now. Put things in better perspective for you.
Trust can be regained. In some situations. Depends who it is, and what they did, and why, and what their attitude is now.
Someone who confesses, apologises and asks for forgiveness is going a long way to re-establishing trust. Everyone is capable of making really really stupid mistakes, especially under the influence of depression. (That is the situation informing my post, but i won’t tell you more except that I have forgiven, and it did take a lot of time and work.)
It’s the ones who insist they did nothing wrong that you can’t trust again.
For me, it has to be built up piece-by-piece to begin with, but trust lost can still be regained. I don’t know if it could ever be regained to the point of absolute trust, though. The scale of the breach, whether it was malicious or just dumb irresponsibility, and what our level of trust already was at that point are all factors in how much my trust in someone is damaged.
Generally, though, I’m inclined to give one free pass. You violate my trust, I tell you what you did wasn’t cool, you sincerely apologize for it and I’m willing to trust you again. The second time, though, you’ve lost my trust big time.
That is often the attitude of somone who has either been deeply hurt or who hasn’t seen her or his own imperfections.
Such a characterization leaves no room for growth and change – a possibility for all but the truly distrubed such as a sociopath. What may be malicious on one person’s part may be just a momentary weakness on the part of another.
I think we have to judge these things on an individual basis. There is no rule for it. Who is the person? How much does the relationship mean to us? How capable are we of trusting? How trustworthy are we ourselves? How much pain are we willing to risk? Has there been a pattern established?
Originally posted by pencilpusher:
Your words inspire me. I’m in the same position you were in 4 years ago. It’s got to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever tried to do…ever.
Anymore words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
I had a fling with the VERY ex of my best friend. She and I had been best friends for 24 yrs. She was with him for 7 years. They had been apart for almost 2 years. i slept with him, a few times.
She won’t forgive me. I think she should, we had almost all our whole lives as best friends. She thinks that is ireleveant now.
Lesson for the wise sex and friends never mixes and I stll don’t know why.
Zoe said:
I agree. Yes, it’s wrong to cheat. Yes, some people are unrepentant serial cheaters. But who among us has such a clean past that there isn’t one thing we’d undo if we could? Who among us has never hurt another person and sincerely regretted it later?
I think you have to look beyond the “what” and into the “why.” If the why is because the offender just doesn’t care about anything but getting caught–well, that’s one thing. But even for something as abhorrent and hurtful as infidelity, there can be extenuating circumstances.
I have a sister whose marriage has survived infidelity. Her husband made a mistake, and that made their lives very difficult for some time. If she had chosen to leave him, I would have supported that decision; I am proud, though, that she was able to forgive him. I think she’s happier for being able to do that.
Be patient with yourself and your SO. Keep in mind that communication is the key to any relationship. Basically what I did was give my man an ultimatum. Either keep it in your pants or you won’t put it in mine. I told him that I did love him but I wouldn’t tolerate being mistreated like that. I also made him go and get an STD test before I’d let him near me again. I don’t know if you know how they do testing on men but I’ve been told it’s VERY painful. (something about a q-tip swab and their manhood… :eek: ) I laid down some rules for him and we talked at length about what we wanted from each other and the future. I told him I wanted to marry him but only if he agreed to the rules laid out for him. He agreed and here we are. If you want to talk more please PM me and we can take it private 
pencilpusher-
Well, I guess it’s a moot point now because he informs me this afternoon that he’s tired of proving himself to me. Gee, it’s been all of three weeks and he’s tired already? It took over a year to lose my trust but he thinks it can be regained in a few weeks?
He and I even discussed this before we reconcilled this last time and both agreed that if he should get tired of trying to regain my trust, as he has in the past, I should take that to mean that he is no longer concerned about regaining it.
I think you got lucky. You had a man who really, truly loved you and wanted, more than anything to spend the rest of his life with you. Because of this he was willing to do whatever it took to make it happen.
My SO said those same things to me but apparently doesn’t truly have the love for me he says he has to back it up.
I’m sorry about hijacking this thread but my PM doesn’t work. Any suggestions?
Actually, you can trust people. But you can only trust them to do what is in their nature.
It’s like the story of the scorpion and the frog.
The moral is - if you somehow end up trusting someone to be something that they aren’t, then you are doing something stupid.
Psifireus click on my profile button and IM me
Well, I of all people know my imperfections. Hurt? Yes, most of us have been.
Growth and change…Well, that depends on what growth or change I am looking for. Definetly not to carry around someone who has destroyed my trust.
I trust someone until they break that trust. If it is something hideous like cheating. No, there isn’t a second chance. No, there isnt an excuse for it.
A moment of weakness? That is when you stare at a box of ice cream and decide you will take one bite… Definetly not when you cheat or do something I deem as unforgiveable. :rolleyes:
Like others have mentioned, forgiveness and re-earning trust - for me - depends almost entirely on the other person.
Does the person really understand why what they did hurt you? Do they grasp the extent of the hurt they did? Are they sorry for and ashamed of their behavior? Can they understand what led them to do it? Are they willing to change the behavior that led to the betrayal of trust? Will they accept that it will take a long time to build up that trust again.
I have a student who got in serious trouble last year for coming into my room, asking me if I owned a dildo, and then lying about that and accusing me of looking at porn on my school computer. There was a week while I was so scared that I might lose my job and/or my credential that I couldn’t breathe. It all came out fine. He got hammered by the principal, superintendant, and IT director, and admitted what he’d done.
Now, he’s an exemplary student in my art class, and I had the choice to bar him from my classroom if I wanted to. I didn’t because he came to me and offered me a heartfelt apology and listened to my explanation of why what he’d done had been so much worse than a stupid prank.
Then again, there’s that ex-boyfriend of mine, who - if he asked me to trust him again - I would laugh out of this solar system. It would take an alien abduction and brain reversal of one of us before I would ever consider it.
…
Psifireus, I feel for you. What you need to understand is that your now ex, like my old ex, only learned how to say the words, and never had any interest in giving the real thing. He knows how to trick people into believing him, and never had any intention of following through. It hurts, I know, but it has nothing to do with you. It does have everything to do with him.
Originally posted by phouka:
I suppose you’re right phouka, as much as I hate to admit it, he made the choice to live without me in his life. There’s nothing I can do to change that.
Thanks for your words of encouragement. You’re right, though, it hurts alot. More than words can convey…