Is it possible to learn to trust someone who betrayed your trust? Like a kid caught breaking curfew, a cheating spouse, a business associate with a hand in the till, or a friend who breaks a confidence… Can you trust such a person again? Can the other person do anything to regain that trust?
I see it as a very difficult process, bordering on impossible. I had a coworker who I overheard lying on the phone. I found it hard to believe him ever after that. I often wonder how infidelity can not destroy a marriage. And if I knew someone was inclined to swipe loose change from a desk drawer, I’d be suspicious every time I thought I came up short.
I think it can but it depends on the transgressions…
Kids breaking curfew often aren’t malicious acts of betrayal but testing of parental limits… eventually they can regain that trust.
A cheating spouse would have to work a lot harder though as I see that as malicious.
A business associate I don’t know if I would trust in the first place as I have horrible trust issues myself. When your parents break your trust it is tough to give that gift to anyone afterwards.
Call me a meanie, but I can never feel the same toward anyone if they’ve ever really betrayed me. I won’t hate them, or hurt them, but I am finished with them forever.
A nun told me once that if someone hurts us once, shame on them.
If we let that person hurt us again, shame on me.
Once a cheater always a cheater. This applies to all aspects. They obviously lack morals or common sense. Their intent is to be malicous. Why would they change that? They were caught just the once and may not again. So why wouldnt they tempt fate and keep doing it till u finally say enough is enough?
If a coworker is stealing change… Thats theft. Companies fire for that. If they dont give them a second chance why would you want to?
A child that is a totally different story. Children do what they can to test the boundaries of a child/parent relationship. This is nature. They are growing up and learning from their experiences. This trust is given to a child till it is broken. Then of course they must rebuild this trust through positive behaviors. This is just a way for a child to learn right or wrong.
Therefore when they reach adult hood this is not a game they play with a spouse or a coworker.
Guess I am mean that way too. I move along at any sign that a man, friend, coworker is not honest.
I think it was the 7 habits guy who described a “trust bank” once.
Think of your level of trust as a value which increases each time that person makes a promise and keeps it. And which decreases each time a promise is broken. Abviously by an amount dependdant on the value you placed on the promise.
So, the kid who breaks curfew, could be place on some sort of restriction where parents can keep a closer eye on him until he demonstrates that he can tell time.
Of course, the business man with his hand in the till might not have the opportunity since he might not be around to keep promises after being cought.
The cheating spouse is a tricky one. I saw a terrible movie once about a wife trying to forgive her “sex addicted” husband. At one point she place the condition on him that he have “no sexual activity that did not include her”. Sort of like the restriction I mentioned above.
Why did you make me think of that movie. It was really bad
Another vote on the “possible, with hard work” side. With a side order of “…and sometimes, it’s a rather dumb thing to work for.” That sider order depends on the severity and repetition of the betrayal, of course–a teen testing authority limits in a non-criminal way is simply not the same thing (to my mind, at least) as something like infidelity in a committed relationship.
I’ve been told that I’m too willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. I hate to be suspicious and dig for underlying motives, so I pretty much accept people at face value unless they really betray me.
Once the trust is gone, I think I become over-analytical. I look for the hidden agenda. And I really hate that because I want to believe that people are fundamentally decent and honest. Yeah, I’m naive that way.
So, what’s the value of trust if you can’t be sure it’s merited? Are the cynical among us the only ones who understand? Or do we, by trusting, encourage others to be trustworthy?
How awful to add this layer to a relationship, business, personal, or otherwise.
This is actually part of the winningest strategy (as an opening move) in the game-theory saw of the multi-round Prisoner’s Dilemma.
Person A and Person B are both arrested, in separate cells, no communication between them. The dilemma each has is between two options:
1: testify against the other.
2: engage the right to remain silent.
Option 1 will net a reduced sentence for the person who chooses it. Option 2 will result in getting away scot-free IF both A and B choose it–otherwise, they’re pretty much screwed.
Over a repeated number of rounds, the only communication being the knowledge of what was last picked, the best strategy for minimizing time served runs something like:
First round, keep silent. If B also keeps silent, repeat. If they don’t, you’ll rack up time.
Following round is based on what the other guy did last time–if they kept silent, do that again. Otherwise, turn evidence.
Third round, regardless of what happened time two, keep silent again. Repeat in that pattern. Over a short number of rounds, the total time served for both A and B is served better by screwing the other guy over, but there’s a margin that really shows up over many repeated rounds that favors the above. Generally, both are going for self-interest, and B has to be really dim to not finally grasp that silence being kept is desired from the other fellow, who is willing to reciprocate, and that choosing otherwise results in fair consequences but not unforgiving consequences.
I’ve always thought that had some applicability to trust issues. (And if nothing else, I was once able to short-circuit an entire half-day segment of a corporate large-group-awareness feelgood program by explaining it to my team, and steamrolling through the entire exercise. Got out a couple hours before the coordinators really had any time planned for. Somewhere, an angel gained its wings.)
I think trust can be regained. It depends on the person and the infraction, but I have always been able to trust people after the trust has been broken. People make mistakes. People use bad judgement. It happens and it doesn’t make that person irreparably bad.
I’ve done it on at least two HUGE ones. I mean BIG. With my husband. I trust him completely.
For me, trust can almost always be regained: even if it’s a consistent pattern of lying over years, a consistent pattern of not lying would be able to win me back. But that’s never happened.
What will irrevocably lose my trust, though, is if a known liar tells me something, and I can tell it’s their same as usual pattern of lies, and I call them on it, and they swear they are not lying. If that turns out to be a lie, there’s no way I will be able to trust them again.
First, it’s important to figure out the facts. The OP says “if I knew someone was inclined to swipe loose change from a desk drawer” without saying exactly how you knew.
At one of my jobs, I had a large crew (about 10 people) and they all knew it was okay to grab soda money from my mug as long as the tried to pay it back. A few times, “change stealing” was reported. Ha ha ha. After a year of this system, I was ahead enough for a pizza party.
That said, if I am convinced that someone does not deserve my trust, that person ain’t gonna get it back.
I’d probably forgive infidelity if I thought he was just… floundering or having a mid-life crisis or something. We all go a little nuts sometime. I wouldn’t forgive someone who “cheated” on me just because he felt he was entitled to get away with whatever could be kept secret from me.
Giving kids extra chances can be a sticky situation, can’t it? After all, as kids, they’re still learning, but if you give them too many chances, are they learning to manipulate? Difficult question. Made all the more difficult by one’s own closeness to the situation. Funny how clear someone else’s family problem is, and how complex yours is…
We had some curfew/non-phone-calling issues with our kid, and it took a long time of having her call us frequently until she understood how important it was for us to know where she was. Eventually, we think she figured it out, because we cut her some slack and she didn’t backslide.
It can be tricky with other family members, too. Especially when they want to borrow a few dollars/ car/ lawnmower/ video camera… In some families, the dynamic is that you give anything asked and don’t complain if you don’t get it back, because it’s family! And heaven forbid you ask for your whatever back - you can’t nag!! :rolleyes:
I’m really not that bitter, but I have no patience for those I can’t trust.
:dubious: