Can you beat my dumbassness?...Not (Girlfriend gone wild)

Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
#1

Hello fellow Dopers,

Long time lurker (addict), first time poster here. I just wanted to save my guest time for something important so here it is.  First though, I wanna thank everybody for making this my favorite message board. I have learnt a lot here. 

I don't know if this is the right topic for MPSIMS, much less SDMB. I will make it as short as possible. If you want more details, feel free to ask me.

History:

About 4 years ago I was living the perfect life. Had a good job, a girlfriend who loved me, college almost over and was going to get married thereafter. One day, me and my girlfriend were woken up by a knock on the door at 3 am at my appartment. I opened the  door to two INS agents who came in and questioned me about my immigration status and subsequently arrested me as I was without proper documents. They were nice about it though, giving me time to hug my girlfriend, dress up etc.
    I was jailed and tried and but since I didn't have any criminal record, they gave me the option of leaving U.S. on my own expence to avoid a deportation order which would have bared me from ever entering U.S. again. So, I did.  Before I left I signed over my car title, a few blank checks (entire life savings, about 50K)  to my girlfriend as it would have been too risky to bring cash and so she could hire a laywer for me, come get me etc. However it didn't work out this way and last year she broke up with me as she could not continue with a long distance relationship with no guarantee of ever meeting again (as its going to be almost impossible to get a visa now). I don't blame her at all and wish her the best.

Earlier this year, I asked her if she could wire me my money and she agreed. We were on very good terms till now. She asked for a few weeks as she was busy with work and school. However its 5 months now and she has not sent the money. I'm broke. Moreover, when I call her, she gets angry and starts yelling at me for bugging her. She tells me to just wait till she has the time. I know it just takes an hour at the most, to wire money.  I don't know why she is behaving like this. There is absolutely nothing which I may have done to make her mad at me. Im very confused. I know for sure that she loved me before and she is a very ethical person. I just don't understand why she is being so difficult when she knows I need her help.

So… Please give me your opinions, (especially female dopers)

What should I do?? What can I do?
I know I don't have any legal recourse, (or do I ?)   
Should I try to contact her family? ( I just have their emails as they don't live in U.S.)
Should I try to contact her friends? Work?  ( Only have one friend's phone number)
     Should I just wait?
   
      I don't wanna do something stupid and give her a reason to be mad at me.  I have lost all trust in my decision making skills (for starters) and thats why I want your opinion on this. Please don't judge me. I take full responsibility for the mess I am in, but I worked hard for that money.

Thanks for your time…

Badmash

#2

Hello fellow Dopers,

Long time lurker (addict), first time poster here. I just wanted to save my guest time for something important so here it is.  First though, I wanna thank everybody for making this my favorite message board. I have learnt a lot here. 

I don't know if this is the right topic for MPSIMS, much less SDMB. I will make it as short as possible. If you want more details, feel free to ask me.

History:

About 4 years ago I was living the perfect life. Had a good job, a girlfriend who loved me, college almost over and was going to get married thereafter. One day, me and my girlfriend were woken up by a knock on the door at 3 am at my appartment. I opened the  door to two INS agents who came in and questioned me about my immigration status and subsequently arrested me as I was without proper documents. They were nice about it though, giving me time to hug my girlfriend, dress up etc. 

 I was jailed and tried and but since I didn't have any criminal record, they gave me the option of leaving U.S. on my own expence to avoid a deportation order which would have bared me from ever entering U.S. again. So, I did.  Before I left I signed over my car title, a few blank checks (entire life savings, about 50K)  to my girlfriend as it would have been too risky to bring cash and so she could hire a laywer for me, come get me etc. However it didn't work out this way and last year she broke up with me as she could not continue with a long distance relationship with no guarantee of ever meeting again (as its going to be almost impossible to get a visa now). I don't blame her at all and wish her the best.

Earlier this year, I asked her if she could wire me my money and she agreed. We were on very good terms till now. She asked for a few weeks as she was busy with work and school. However its 5 months now and she has not sent the money. I'm broke. Moreover, when I call her, she gets angry and starts yelling at me for bugging her. She tells me to just wait till she has the time. I know it just takes an hour at the most, to wire money.  I don't know why she is behaving like this. There is absolutely nothing which I may have done to make her mad at me. Im very confused. I know for sure that she loved me before and she is a very ethical person. I just don't understand why she is being so difficult when she knows I need her help.

So… Please give me your opinions, (especially female dopers)

What should I do?? What can I do?
I know I don't have any legal recourse, (or do I ?)   
Should I try to contact her family? ( I just have their emails as they don't live in U.S.)
Should I try to contact her friends? Work?  ( Only have one friend's phone number)
        Should I just wait?
   
      I don't wanna do something stupid and give her a reason to be mad at me.  I have lost all trust in my decision making skills (for starters) and thats why I want your opinion on this. Please don't judge me. I take full responsibility for the mess I am in, but I worked hard for that money.

Thanks for your time…

Badmash

#3

Wow, your situation really sucks right now. Uhmm, I’d suggest giving her a week or so more before you try her friends/family-- maybe she actually is too busy to wire it. Who knows?

But, honestly, I’m afraid to say that I don’t think you’ll ever be getting your money back. Something like this happened to a friend of mine. It didn’t end well. :frowning:

That’s just my opinion, of course. Hope it works out for you.

#4

Consult a lawyer to see what legal recourses you might have. What country are you from/living in now?

#5

Some answers may depend on what country you are in now and how long ago you signed over your money to your girlfriend? I’m not understanding why it would have been dangerous to take your money with you at the time, but it is not dangerous to get it all now?

#6

Man … I don’t know whay to say . I really don’t think you have any recourse in so much as getting you’re money back . It sounds to me like you got robbed. Unless you have a cousin Guido who lives here and could go see her in person and sweat her for the money I don’t think she is going to give it up. People are really shitty to each other imho. I feel for you .

#7

I meant to say ISN’T going to give it up .

#8

Im sorry for the double post, Mods Please help

#9

Welcome to the SDMB, Badmash. Your two threads have been merged into one.

#10

Thanks for the replies,

samm , At the time we were very close, I never even thought about it. By dangerous I meant, risk of losing it.

Omegaman, Thanks homie, Go Rebels.

Zabali_Clawbane, Back in India now.
SkipMagic , Thanks.

#11

Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, Badmash. Welcome to the Dope, and I’m afraid you’re never going to see your money again. I would bet you a dollar that your ex-girlfriend is not the ethical person you thought she was. I’m a very ethical person, and you would have got your money back from me the week you asked for it, and probably when we broke up without you asking. An ethical person would not act the way your ex is acting.

What you can do at this point is do everything you possibly can to get the money back. Call her as many times as you can, call her friends and family, make it extremely clear to her that it is YOUR money, and she WILL give it back. Don’t worry about hurting her feelings; she’s all but told you that she’s not giving it back.

#12

My sympathies bud. You have an uphill battle in front of you, if it’s even possible at all. I mean, it’s fifty thousand dollars, not 20 bucks for gas. My understanding of human nature is that she would make time to return it if she was going to do so at all.

Two rules I follow religiously are “Never do business with family or friends” and “Never loan a friend anything that I’d actually want returned.” I’d sweat blood to help my loved ones, and often do, but I would never sell or loan any of them anything. Money makes people stupid, and you can’t hold a loved one accountable. You can’t be sure of your own judgement either. Love may be blind, but it’s a pretty good policy to keep it broke too IME.

I got burned once before I adopted those two rules, but nowhere nearly as bad as you. Only decent suggestion I can offer is that if the worst case scenario does take place, work hard to accept it and get on with your life. Stuff like this can embitter a man for a long time, and time is a lot harder to come by than 50k or a worthless thieving tramp.

#13

But she was ethical. A very nice person. What I don’t get is how and why she changed. An ethical person will always be ethical. No?

As much as I needed the money, I would have given it to her, had she made some lousy excuse. At least I would’t feel so hurt.

#14

Gee Badmash, I’m going to have to echo the posters who think you’ll most likely never see a penny of that money.

When you love someone, you tend to think the best of them. Chances are she really was a nice, ethical girl, but people do change and not always for the better. I’m hoping that the lack of this money has not put you in dire circumstances now.

Are you planning on returning to the states at some point in the near future? Did you say you willingly signed it all over to her? If so, you may be completely without recourse.

#15

Which are more common in the world we live in today: Good moral people that happen to have an ex-lover’s money and happen to be too busy to return that money due to circumstances that happen to be beyond their control, or people that are ethical when it’s convenient and not so ethical when presented with very very high odds of getting away with a $50k theft? “For the love of money is the root of all evil” and all that. Sucks.

While I’ll be the first to admit that wierd shit happens and tomorrow she might show up on your doorstep with a bag full of money and a big sloppy kiss, I’m also jaded enough to believe that you’ve been screwed, dude.

That’s probably not what you want to hear about her or about yourself, but it’s the most likely scenario to me. Hate that for you, honestly. Hate seeing a bad thing happen to a good person, and a bad person profit from it.

#16

That’s a good question. Maybe she was ethical until it came to a large sum of money, then her ethics ran out (which, frankly, means she wasn’t that ethical to start with).
What could also have happened was that she had every intention of returning your money, then she talked to a few people, and they told her a few things to make her think that maybe she shouldn’t be quite so quick to give it back.

It doesn’t really matter why she changed her mind; I stand by what I said before; an ethical person would have returned your money by now. You’re right; an ethical person will remain ethical. That makes me think she was not as ethical as you believed her to be.

#17

It just occurred to me that she might have SPENT all your money. That would explain the not returning it, and the getting mad at you for asking for it.

#18

For the life of me, I don’t understand why you care about whether what you do will make her mad or not. She’s not your girlfriend anymore. It sounds like you’re still hung up on her, and it is well past time to move on.

You ought to find a lawyer and inquire whether there’s any way to recover any of the money. I think it was a grade A dumb thing to do to sign over $50,000 to a girlfriend when you could have just kept it in the bank, but the horse is out of that barn. I have doubts that you’ll ever see any of it again, but you ought to seek legal advice nonetheless.

I suppose it can’t hurt to call her friends and family, but your effort should be in getting some legal advice and getting what money you can back from her. And you shouldn’t give a whit about what she might think of you for getting your money back.

#19

It is the exceedingly rare person who does not have a price at which their morals can be mortgaged. Some are higher, some are lower, but almost everybody has one. Apparently you found hers.

#20

I’m sorry, I’m just not convinced by this story. Perhaps you can explain? Why would you not just keep the money in your bank acccount and transfer to India through a bank transfer when you needed it? Why has it taken you 4 years to decide you need the money? How had you managed to save $50K as a student, yet after 4 years now you’re broke? Why after 5 months of chasing your girlfriend can you still not believe she’s not giving the money back?

Look, if your story is true, I would have to say, your girlfriend has spent your money over the past 4 years and you will not see it again. Up to you if you think you have enough proof of this to consult a lawyer about trying to get it back again.

But if not (and I don’t want to insult you, but this is after all an anonymous internet board), this sounds a little ‘Nigerian Letter’ to me. Sorry if this isn’t the case.