Can you maintain a friendship with someone you had an affair with while trying to fix your marriage?

In My Humble Opinion
61

Well, she’s decided that she needs another eight days, spending some time with him – again, in “friendship” – before she can break it off with him for good. She has acknowledged that this decision is very bad for our marriage and hurts me very badly, but this is her choice, to be able to break things off in her own way without resentment. She made an analogy to a smoker who wants to finish their last pack before they quit smoking altogether.

I’ve stopped wearing my wedding ring. I told her I didn’t want anything to do with her while she’s continuing this relationship. Things have gotten intense enough in our conversation that we are on the brink of breaking off the marriage altogether, but we’ve agreed to meet tonight to talk further. She still claims that I’m her #1 priority.

I’m not very optimistic.

62

She just proved that you’re NOT her #1 priority. I think it’s time for you to stop being a doormat. her request is completely unreasonable. Sure, it’s her choice, but it’s your own choice whether to be there when she gets back (and there’s a good chance she won’t).

I think you’ve got to tell her that if she goes back to this guy even for 8 seconds, it’s over.

63

I’m sorry if this comes off as harsh, but if you were her #1 priority, she wouldn’t be fucking the other guy.

Based on what you’ve written in this thread, she is not sincerely interested in working things out with you. I know it’s easier said than done, but I really think you should just walk away. Why volunteer to continue being her doormat?

64

I don’t know all the details, obviously, but reading this last update, my immediate thought was, “she wants to end it, but she wants to be able to say he ended it. That makes it his fault in her mind.”

Sorry. It’s a sucky situation.

65

I’d like to think she isn’t that kind of person, but yeah, it has occurred to me.

66

Good Lord. And she says these mutually contradictory things with a straight face? Clearly SHE is her #1 priority, how is it possible to parse that otherwise? Maybe she means you are her #1 priority except for her.

If she were a smoker and the doctor told her that having another cigarette was 96% likely to kill her, would she still be so dead set on having that “last pack” closure?

…What Diogenes said. You need to give her an ultimatum about speaking to this guy, even for eight seconds. And I speak from the perspective of someone who once had such an ultimatum handed down to me. And yes, I totally resented it, until I grew up enough to understand “oh wait, you know, in this situation where I hurt someone else? it’s not ALL ABOUT ME.”

67

In the immortal words of Dan Savage, DTMFA.* This woman doesn’t care about you–not as much as she cares about herself. If she hasn’t yet figured out how she’s **still **fucking up, she’s not going to any time soon. Cut your losses and get out before she hurts you even worse.

*Dump the motherfucker already.

68

Your marriage is not her priority if she’s doing this-I’ve learned the hard way on this point. When one party messes up really really badly in the fidelity department and then takes their sweetass time about breaking off contact with the person with whom they had the affair, it does not bode well for the relationship.

I’m really sorry.

69

You shouldn’t be very optimistic–she’s so full of shit her eyes are brown. When someone’s words and actions are at odds, it’s their actions you should be listening to. And this woman’s actions absolutely shriek that you’re not anywhere near her top priority. When someone is your #1 priority, you don’t knowingly and deliberately do something that you know has hurt them in the past, that you know will go on hurting them in the present and future, that shoots your chance of maintaining that relationship right in the foot. But, as you say, this is her choice. She had the choice to prioritize making you happy and giving your marriage its best shot at survival, and she chose instead to prioritize a few more days with her “friend.”

She’s made her choice, and it ain’t you. I’m sorry.

70

I’m so sorry to hear that this is how the situation is ending for you. I had sincerely hoped she would realize just how much you mean to her and come running back, but if she isn’t willing to immediately walk away from this other person your marriage is not her priority. If you want you can give her an ultimatum to be back in the house and done with her “friend” in 24 hours or not to come back to the house at all to give her a final chance to put you first but I think she is going to pick the don’t-come-back option.

I do have one horrible, terrible, no good, very bad thought that you might want to keep in mind. 8 days is a really arbitrary amount of time to choose before she is willing to walk away from her fuck buddy unless she is timing it that way for a reason. Could she possibly trying to get knocked up to give her a solid reason to leave?

71

You’ve probably had your conversation with her by now, so any advice i could give is OBE. I hope you’re holding together well.

Best of luck to you.

72

pbbth, it had to do with the end of the coming holiday weekend, nothing else. If I miscounted days, that’s on me. The last thing she wants from anyone is to be pregnant.

She’s agreed to cut him off completely. She wants to make this work. However, the more I learn, the more I think we ought to stop this while we can still walk away friends.

Thanks to all of you for the advice and continued well-wishes.

73

Know what? Just because you agreed to the eight days (or whatever), it doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to change your mind.

I’m generally not a fan of ultimatums or threats, but this is one of those situations where they’re entirely warranted.

“Spouse? I’ve changed my mind about you seeing him for eight more days. Either you call him right this moment and break it off completely, or it’s over between us.”

Thing is, if she argues or tries to wheedle, you have to be prepared to leave for good. Are you ready to do it?

74

Sorry; I wasn’t clear in my last post. We had that conversation last night, and she did cut him off immediately.

Now it’s just about us. Time to see what we can salvage.

75

Sometimes when I read things like this, I realize I’m out of my depth. I mean, if a monogamous, loving relationship with sufficient communication etc. is “the freeway,” then this is a “dirt road.” I don’t mean to imply a quality judgment by that—I just mean that it’s a road far less traveled. At least, it’s a path totally unexplored by me. Maybe you have four wheel drive and enjoy it.

Simple example: some feel that if there’s been an affair, the relationship is just over. Others feel that relationships can recover and heal from that, maybe even become stronger. It doesn’t matter what I think—it matters what you think.

Like many things in life, the best you can do is make an informed decision. You need to be real with yourself. For me, I don’t think I could be with anybody who has to be dragged to counseling…my take on this is she’s thinking, ‘I know the bullshit flags are going to fly and I don’t want to face them.’ But that’s me.

If you really want to try, you need a list of your must-haves, your deal-breakers, and so on. She needs to have her list as well. Then there needs to be a meeting of the minds, or not.

IMO only the parties involved can say. They know their strengths and weaknesses and can look at it from a cost-benefit perspective. However, this post wouldn’t give me any hope (underlining mine).

*Well, she’s decided that she needs another eight days, spending some time with him – again, in “friendship” – before she can break it off with him for good. She has acknowledged that this decision is very bad for our marriage and hurts me very badly, but this is her choice, to be able to break things off in her own way without resentment. She made an analogy to a smoker who wants to finish their last pack before they quit smoking altogether.

I’ve stopped wearing my wedding ring. I told her I didn’t want anything to do with her while she’s continuing this relationship. Things have gotten intense enough in our conversation that we are on the brink of breaking off the marriage altogether, but we’ve agreed to meet tonight to talk further. She still claims that I’m her #1 priority.

I’m not very optimistic.*

As bup said:

“she wants to end it, but she wants to be able to say he ended it. That makes it his fault in her mind.”

Could be. Or could be she’s pushing to see how much you REALLY love her, which is a test and total BS. I’m qualified to say that, having been a magnet for these women. :(:smack::mad::confused:

76

This is an encouraging move on her part, and inducates at least some effort to prioritize your relationship.

I don’t know if you can do it, but a vacation with just the two of you might do some good, or at least let you know where you’re at.

77

Or she could just have a particular pocket of self-centeredness and immaturity and just not really being able to picture what she is putting you through. This was certainly the case for me when I was in a position comparable to hers. I grew up… I’m not that girl anymore. So there’s hope for her too. I hope it works out.