Canada to examine pornography to make sure it is sufficiently Canadian

In My Humble Opinion
41

It is an aphrodisiac.

42

“Forget the donkey show - it’s time for the Elephant Show!”

43

Damned, there’s a “Summer Of 69” joke in this somehow, but I don’t know how to phrase it.

44

To save confusion, the Barenaked Ladies shall be made to perform under another name (Except when making adult videos.)

45

As will the New Pornographers.

46

All price negotiations with hookers will include VAT.

47

You are thinking European porn. We have GST or HST, depending on the province.

48

But no PST on Alberta porn!

49

Just don’t ask what it’s being used to set the mood for:

50

But it is a type of value-added tax.

Speaking of which….

The records that are mentioned in that text blurb at the beginning will include information required to get CanCon tax credits.

For most productions, subtitles must be available in English, French, and the Indigenous language(s) spoken in the production location*.

Transcripts must be available. ISBNs can be acquired from Library and Archives Canada*, and copies of the transcripts must be filed in the national library to meet legal deposit requirements.

*If the production is exclusively in French, pursuant to a derogation registered with the Quebec ministry of culture, the ISBN may be acquired from the Bibliothèque et Archives nationales du Québec, and the legal deposit copies may be filed with the BAnQ.

51

  1. Porn riff must be changed to the one from “Do The Bearcat” by perennial bar star.David Wilcox (the Canadian one).

  2. To promote inclusion, displayed smoked meat should include equal amounts of lean and fatty pieces.

  3. All players must form neat lines and politely shake hands after play finishes.

  4. Safe word must be the same in both official languages, except in Weatern provinces.

  5. Québécois performers encouraged to use “notwithstanding clause”.

  6. Penalty calls for “high sticking” and “hooking” may be enforced.

  7. Any milk on set to come in bags.

  8. Use of phrases like “I’m crushing your head” encouraged.

52

Which in cm or mm will make the numbers really impressive…
(makes mental note to himself aboat[*] doing this…)

…

[* aside: I never hear it as “aboot” or “get oot”, I hear it as if Americans were saying “a boat” or “get oat”… maybe it’s my ears tuned to yet a fourth whole other native language…]

53

On the other hand, saying someone has a “room-temperature IQ” is much more insulting…

54

Not the only thing that comes in bags!

55

There’s gotta be a joke somewhere about the royal Canadian, mounted.

56

Fluffers will be on standby to avoid votes of non-confidence

57

It is too bad that Pierre Berton is no longer with us. Imagine what he could teach us, after the way he taught people how to roll a joint.

58

Any musical ride has to include at least one Mountie. (No limit on the number of Mounters, though.)

59

I always assumed that because of Canadian’s passive nature and assigning great value to personal space, they don’t actually engage in sexual reproduction. They enjoy binary fission porn.

60

  • Any display of “The Group of Seven” must be made with appropriate decorum.

  • Although the phrase “drilling for oil” is encouraged, no reference may be made to “dirty tar sands”. (Substitution of “Clean, Conscientious Canadian energy” is much preferred).

  • Tax credit for use of phrase “des plus brilliants exploits”.

  • The government has no current opinion on the use of the phrases “fishing for smelt”, “tailgate party” or “deep bore tide”.

On the face of it, this government idea seems very solid indeed. May the ideas in this thread lead the way for promoting our national values. At long last.