Caring for adult siblings

Not necessarily. In the end, and without getting into the details of my brother in law’s estate - I figure over his life we ended up $20k poorer from helping him out. Had he had a 401k, his last year would have been more full of bucket list items, and he wouldn’t have been dependent on us.

Now, is it the right thing to have cost your brother’s family $20k? Thats a few weeks in Europe for my husband and I. Its a year of public college tuition for my kids or my eventual grandkids. Its three months of having to work instead of early retirement.

Since the $20k isn’t a HUGE deal to us, and it made my husband’s year MUCH less stressful - it was “fine” - but I don’t think it was “right.”

I would take care of this one only…
[“individual with mental and emotional issues who never has/never will live independently.”]

For the others, I would say, You made your bed, you can sleep in it!

We’ve had several conversations about the possible situations. And that’s where the conflict is arising - he seems to feel it’s his responsibility. It’s just the way he is in most areas of life, feeling guilty if he doesn’t “fix” things that he knows how to fix, even if it’s not his to fix. Sometimes generosity can get out of hand.

So your conflict **is with your **husband, not your siblings.

Do you two have an agreement on not spending or giving large sums of money away without the other’s consent? If not, then you’re in trouble, if his family becomes destitute as you believe they will be.

If you do have such an agreement, how will he take your continued objection to helping them out if it comes to that?

Omar, are you married?

Cause my husband and I discuss things as they come up - and we discuss things over time as well. But we don’t have “agreements” between us. There are things that I’ve said I will and won’t do - for instance, he knows I didn’t want his brother to end up living with us (or his mother, or my mother, or any of our friends, or our children once they leave the nest). Now, circumstances may change and we might end up with adult children living with us, which we will discuss when the circumstances change.

Moreover, I suspect it isn’t “large sums” of money at any one time (and that will be the difficult thing), it will be a little help here and there when their social security check doesn’t cover all the expenses in the month - $100 for groceries here, $200 for rent this month over there. Since she just posted in the early retirement thread that she went back to work so they could travel a little more - giving up her early retirement - I suspect $100 or so here and there isn’t “alot” of money. If FCM is like I am, she’s adding up all those potential expenses in her head - which could add up to a significant sum of money over time - and thinking that will impact how she wants to retire…while her husband is thinking they can easily spend $100 here and there. I’m assuming that since they worked while living for today (i.e. they just intend to work until they die comment) - they just were grasshoppers rather than ants - that they’ll get some social security income - just not sufficient for the lifestyle they’ve had, and are likely to bankrupt themselves once their income slows down.

Hopefully. I have one friend that I am really concerned about - she is in her 50s and in GREAT health, she is bright and a hard worker, but she is the least material person I’ve ever known and has made her living as an artist - i.e. she has almost no social security to fall back on since she seldom paid in and when she did, it wasn’t much (I’m betting she has enough quarters to qualify - I’m also betting she’s looking a a social security check of less than $250 a month). Her current living arrangement is housesitting for a friend of hers for a few months, then she will move on to some other temporary arrangement. She’s spent months at a time living out of her van (which she has sensibly equipped for that purpose). She’s been known to dumpster dive and be a freegan in the past - and often just does odd jobs under the table for cash. She has no kids to fall back on (but she is one of the people I know with the best and most supportive circle of friends). (She is pretty much my own antithesis). At some point, we may be part of the circle of friends who makes sure she has groceries.

I am. And while I agree that $100 or even $500 one time isn’t a significant amount that we would necessarily discuss with each other, but if either of us was regularly giving another person hundreds of dollars to help them get along, we would have discussed it together and agreed on our course of action.

Not to go into minute details, but I’m weeks away from turning 62, and my husband turns 60 this year. The sibs in question range in age from 50 to 58. We both come from families that tend to live into their mid-80s to early 90s. We have planned for our future so we can enjoy life and travel. BUT one never knows what may happen.

If one of the sibs is in danger of living on the streets and it’s within our power to help, do we say “Sorry, but this is the year we’re taking a Mediterranean cruise…”? Kinda depends on WHY homelessness is imminent, doesn’t it? What about the sibs who are preparing for retirement - what if one becomes incapacitated and can’t live alone? “Sorry, but we want a new car this year, so you’ll have to deal.”

My husband and I have discussed some possibilities, but the bottom line is that I’m probably colder than he is when it comes to bad luck due to bad choices, and that’s what we need to work out. It may never be an issue, but I posed the question here to see what others have had to deal with and how it affected them. I’m not expecting anyone here to give me an answer since I won’t be giving all the pertinent information. When all is said and done, the two of us will figure it out together like we have for 32 years.

Happy Fun Ball’s comment above rings true. There are many services that can keep someone off the streets. The person in question has to be interested in accessing those services, and you can help them there. What makes you think you will be doing better for that person than professional help that is available thru social services? Why does it fall to you to furnish this care? If you want to do it, that is one thing, but you should not feel obligated to adopt a family member and their problems.

Its easy for one spouse to define regular quite differently than the other during these conversations.

(In addition to my brother in law, we’ve helped out my mother in law - but not “regularly” - just “here and there” and my sister for about a year when she was getting sober - those were very regular payments, but were likely to be of a limited duration and went to my other sister - who she was living with and who was buying all the groceries)