Cat rant thread

The BBQ Pit
81

I wish Boris just licked plastic bags. He eats them. He takes big bites so he can throw them up later at a more appropriate time. Although I have tried to remove all plastic from the house, he opens the cabinets, climbs up on the shelf, opens the box with the garbage can liners, carries one up a flight of stairs and consumes it. He also steals pasta from the colander in the sink while it is draining.

The current list of non-food items that I know that he has consumed (because he vomited them up) include:

dental floss
a rubber snake
paper “grass” from a gift basket
a feather he pulled off a cat toy
a rubber glove
countless plastic bags
and, of course, the infamous $3000.00 penny (actually $2999.99, since the vet was kind enough to return the penny).

82

Very cute girl. :slight_smile:

One time, I was awakened in the middle of the night by those noises every cat owner knows well. I managed to locate the cat (Allie’s predecessor, Felix), who was perched on the bookcase headboard, in “Snoopy playing vulture” pose, about to unload onto my husband’s sleeping face.

I’d never seen my husband levitate before. :smiley:

He did get Felix onto vinyl floor in time, much to the cat’s irritation. :slight_smile:

83

Oh, BTW, this is another Tuna behavior, quoting from another thread:

84

The older male cat has a bunch of crud in the corner of his eye. He’s a very affectionate boy, but he absolutely does not want to be held, probably because he’s had several UTIs. So I’ve been trying to sneak up on him with a tissue, to get that crud out. He is not co-operating. In his tiny kitty brain, even the best humans will tend to grab him when he’s not feeling well and stuff him into a carrier and take him to the vet’s, no matter how much he cries. And then the vet will do very rude things to his penis, like put a catheter up it. Which he Does Not Want. Plus, even if he doesn’t go to the vet, we might give him medicine. This is more stuff that he Does Not Want. He loves humans, but he doesn’t trust them.

The younger male cat is a pervy little kitty. He enjoys airing out his penis now and then. Or maybe he’s just showing it off. He’ll lie flat on his back, exposing himself for everyone to admire. He also likes to hump two of the other three cats. He leaves the Grumpy Old Lady Kitty alone, because she’ll slap his ears right off of his face. And sometimes, when I’m cooking or doing the dishes, I’ll feel a pair of paws on my butt, kneading. That’s right, the cat gropes my butt. I don’t THINK he’s ever shot a load off, but this guy was neutered before he was 3 months old, I believe. We adopted him when he was about two months old, and he had a bit of an infection, so he came home before he was neutered, but we had him at the vet’s as soon as he was well enough to get fixed. He doesn’t spray, but apparently he’s not gonna let a little thing like a lack of balls prevent him from trying to get it on with anything that will hold still. Oh, and he has a stuffed toy that he loves, too. And not in an innocent way, either.

85

My mother’s cat Shadow used to carry balled socks and make a nest of artificial kittens with them. Anytime one of us used to fold laundry we’d have to keep an eye out for her because she’d swoop in and pick up the clean socks, carting them off towards her kitty bed.

Since we got her as a grown shelter cat I don’t know if she’d ever had kittens prior but given her instinct I bet she had.

86

Our old kitty, since passed, was a woolsucker. He had a knitted wool scarf that he carried around the house with him. At time he would knead it with his paws, make a chittering noise, and, well, twitch his hips rather romantically. For a few minutes. Then he’d drop it, lick it a few times, and wander off, all interest gone.

So one time I had a some friends, including a male coworker, over for a gaming night. It was winter, we ended up with a pile of coats, gloves, scarves etc on a chair in the living room. My coworker had, well, a problem with ‘bumping into’ females in the hallways, mail room, plus a pattern of borderline compliments, the usual pattern. He was later let go for that behaviour. Anyway, when everyone was getting ready to head home, we discovered kitty had made the acquaintance of coworker’s scarf, and was getting along quite well with it. Coworker said, “You know what, kitty? You can just keep that,” and headed home scarfless. When I told one of the women at work about it, she told all the others and kitty got Christmas cards for sexually harassing a scarf. He was the hero of the office.

87

Rhodium, who I got as a kitten, used to do this, and she definitely never had kittens. She was spayed when she unexpectedly went into heat at 7 months old. She had started stealing socks about two or three months before that, I think, and it continued for about four months afterward. Eventually she stopped.

She died of cancer just about exactly a year ago, and I still miss her so much. :frowning:

88

Our cat Flurry, who had never had kittens, and was spayed as soon as the age mark hit (6 months? Don’t remember). She’d gone into heat once or twice, but was never allowed outside, so she’d never met an intact male cat since her second month or so. Upon our getting a new kitten, who may have been a couple weeks young for adoption, she adopted him. Full mothering behaviour, including nursing. And she began to give milk. We let it go as cute until the little guy, Smokey, got bigger than she was, and then took the problem to a vet. He gave us some medicine to dry her up as well as some non-toxic but awful tasting stuff to paint on her nipples.

So yes, I have spent afternoons trying to paint my cat’s nipples.
But just to stop somebody from sucking on them.

89

So I can leave a Chipotle steak burrito bowl on the couch right next to my cat. Not a flicker of interest. She doesn’t even sniff at it. She doesn’t care about people food. Mostly. Which is nice, because one of my parents’ cats spends nearly every waking moment attempting to filch items from the table, counters, refrigerator, etc.

Except there are two foods it turns out my cat does want. Ben & Jerry’s chocolate fudge ice cream, and walnut brownies. You couldn’t like something normal that I might actually be able to give you once in awhile, such as baked chicken, or something just mildly weird, like Cool Ranch Doritos (my parents’ other cat likes these). No, it has to be something highly toxic.

She also tries to eat laundry detergent. I’ve heard of pets liking antifreeze, but laundry detergent? Yuck.

I love my cat to bits, but she drives me nuts sometimes. A clingier animal has yet to be found. She simply cannot comprehend that a person could be in the vicinity and want to either be more than two feet away from her or have something else capturing their attention. She loves cable repairmen in particular and sits next to them monitoring their activities. Odd animal.

90

Freddy is a plastic-licker, as well. I usually try to take bags from him quickly, because he once got himself tangled up in the handles and went pelting all over the apartment, chirping the most pitiful cries ever.

Eli is our problem boy, though. Where to begin?

He’s a coward, for one, so he’ll often scare himself and end up causing a scene. I call him Kool-Aid Man because he once became stuck behind our blinds. Rather than wait ten seconds for me to lift them, he EXPLODED out from between the slats, twisting and tangling things into a worse mess.

He also constantly needs my attention. He’s learned to knock things over or manipulate things to do so. He doesn’t do this for “daddy” only for “mommy”. When that doesn’t work, he gets creative. He once learned how to type on the vintage typewriter we have. I had my husband put it away in its case. The next night, he flipped the handle of the case repeatedly.

If that wasn’t enough, he’s fixed, but has humping issues. He used to hump us, then he discovered my clothing. He’ll drag blouses and jackets out of closets to get it on. He only ever goes after MY clothing, mind you, and the blankets I use. To alleviate matters, we got him a couple of Skineez toys, a rabbit named Jenni and a fox we call Courtney. Jenni is no longer with us, but it’s still not enough. He sometimes climbs on Freddy, even if we have an unspayed female cat in the apartment.

But wait, there’s more! He also is incredibly paranoid about food. He’ll run to the dish when I pour kibble, and then eat it so fast, he doesn’t bother chewing it. Within half an hour, there’s a large pile of basically whole food on the ground. Never mind that there are several food dishes that we refill frequently.

If he wasn’t so gosh darn cute and smart, I’d have booted his sorry, mental fanny from our lives long ago. He’s the only cat I’ve ever owned that tried to figure out how the mirror works. If we sit on the bed, he will sit on the vanity in the bathroom, trying to work out how we can be so far away and yet appear right before his eyes. He’ll look at us, then our reflection and then meow helplessly.

91

I think that my Sapphire might be worse. She doesn’t just adore the various repairmen who come around to our house…she attempts to seduce them. Sapphire has been spayed for over a decade, and yet let a male human in the house, and she displays heat behavior. It’s embarrassing, and I don’t embarrass easily.

92

He was not asleep beforehand. He’d been prowling around the house and as soon as I laid down on the couch, he hopped up and started purring in my ear/kneading my skull with his claws.

And I have no idea if kitties have wet dreams.

93

Cats or husbands?

94

My cat like to knock stuff off the nightstands at 4:00 am. I think that’s to wake me up. Why at 4:00am when he sleeps all day…? 'Cuz he can, I guess.

95

Neither, ideally. :slight_smile:

96

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the plastic bags are coated with anti-off-set powder. Keeps the plastic bags from sticking together at the supermarket checkout stand, and it’s made from plant and vegetable starches (explaining why it’s safe for the moggies to swallow).

Brock has decided that dry food is not actually food. Based on his weight, I give him half a can of Friskies Filets (seafood varieties) three times daily. Once he’s been fed he’s quite content, but when HE thinks it’s time for me to give him a serving, he gets very vocal (he hardly ever uttered a sound when he was eating Meow Mix). And he’ll bug me for HOURS if I disagree that it’s time.

Also, he sometimes acts as though he’s entitled to FOUR half-cans per day.

97

My relationship with my cat Vincent is very complicated.

Here is a picture of my big gray boy:

http://s1296.beta.photobucket.com/user/mage-girl/media/DSCN7567_zps04e4a64a.jpg.html?sort=3&o=1

Doesn’t he look so sweet when he sleeps? DO NOT be fooled.

He bites. Hard. Out of nowhere. I’ll just be petting him, do-dee-do, and CHOMP. It’s to the point where I’m not even terribly surprised anymore. I think he may be psychotic. His most recent innovation is to gnaw on my wrist or elbow.

He also has pooped on the hardwood floor outside his box for no discernible reason. Box is kept clean, no changes to his environment, nothing to stress him out (that we’re aware of). Last night he got in the box, did most of his business, then got out and crouched outside the box to finish up. :frowning:

I did not yell at him, because the last time he did this and I yelled at him, he just ran off and finished pooping somewhere that’s not nearly as easy to clean as the hardwood floor.

But Vincent can also be a sweetie. He sits on a storage bin by the window and waits for me to get up in the morning. Then he gets on my bed and begs to be petted. He adores having his jowls and ears skritched. He loves to have the TherapyLite on in the winter. And last night, after the pooping incident, he snuggled up in bed with me while I finished off Alison Hewitt Is Trapped.

Such a weird kitty…

98

This isn’t really a rant against cats but it is cat related and I would have told this story on Facebook except the person it is about is on FB and I don’t want her to know exactly how stupid I think she is.

Co-worker was late to work Friday because she had to take her cat to the vet. He’s an inside/outside cat and apparently got into a fight. When the co-worker woke up she saw that her cat’s head was terribly swollen. There was also some wetness at the side of his head. She, thinking that it was gravy, tasted it.

Let me repeat that. She saw her cat’s head was swollen and wet so she put her finger onto his wet, swollen head and TASTED it.

There are several things very, very wrong with that. Firstly, why the fuck do you think your cat is weeping fucking GRAVY from it’s swollen head? And even if your cat has a head full of gravy-- why the fuck are you tasting it off the side of his head? And lastly why, in all that is holy in Dollywood, why are you telling me this?

So, yeah, it wasn’t gravy. It was pus. And I still retch everytime I think of it.

99

Did you really have to share that??

I think I’ll delay my lunch a little longer… gag

100

I think this may have gone from the ‘Cat Rant Thread’ to the ‘Cat Penis Thread’.

:smiley: