Your mom needs to get a real big CLUE: this is your wedding, not hers. She needs to STFU, sit back and be happy that you have found someone to love who loves you, and rejoice in that.
As one of our resident, irrational, religious types, I think I can see where Elysium’s mother is coming from. This is basically an extended WAG, so take it for what it’s worth. She may feel that your marriage isn’t a “real marriage” unless there’s some guy in a collar saying the appropriate words. Also, even if you don’t believe in God, she does and she may feel that officially asking his blessing makes it more likely your marriage will last.
As I see it, you’ve got two choices, depending on how strongly she feels about this. You and your fiance can go along with it to keep or happy or you can have a discussion with her along the lines of “Mom, I know how you feel and it’s OK. We’ll be fine without doing this. Please, trust us and enjoy the wedding.” Personally, in your shoes, I’d go with the latter. There’s nothing to stop her praying privately and asking for God’s blessing on your marriage. What you choose to include or not to include in your wedding is up to you, not her. At the risk of sounding like one of our resident atheists, she doesn’t have the right to impose her beliefs or superstitions on your -er- rites.
Whatever you decide to do, congratulations and may you and your husband know many years of happiness.
I don’t think a nuptial mass is going to be an option for you.
You may be able to find a priest who will offer a blessing, (perhaps, depending on the local laws and the priest, even officiate in a civil ceremony at which he offers a blessing). However, I would be extremely surprised if you found a priest who would “go through the motions” of a complete nuptial mass for a couple who were not active members of the church and had no intention of ever becoming active members of the church.
Even before you have it out with your mom, you might want to sound out priests in the neighborhood regarding their willingness to participate (at which level). It would be pretty messy to tell your mom “Sure.” only to discover that you could not actually get a priest to participate. (I suspect that Japan might be a special case as it is still considered a “missionary” country–of course, the Irish are still sending missionaries to the U.S. 
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I don’t have explicit advice. While I am sure your mom will feel bad, is she really going to feel better if you invite a priest to say a few words that neither you nor your fiance believe?
You might also consider the later ramifications. If you go along with this, is it going to create a bitter situation when she brings up baptizing the kid(s) and you refuse to go along with that? Are you going to get the kid(s) baptized to make her happy? (Few priests will actually baptize children of people who are not active Catholics, these day, particularly since we finally dumped the “Limbo” nonsense.)
Unless he has an aversion to religion, because he thinks it makes people do bad things, rather than simply being a nonbeliever.
Unless he’s the kinda guy who thinks religion is the cause of all evil, though, I doubt he’d have a problem with it. I wouldn’t.
Even so, how can subjecting himself to the words have an effect on him? Unless of course he has to contribute money. Then there’s an active endorsement rather than a tacit acceptance.
Except in Ireland. 
That’s basically how I think of it. A wedding isn’t just “for you & the fiance.” Not if you’re inviting friends and family. Presumably, you’re not just inviting people for the presents. You want everyone you care about to basically acknowledge and “bless” your marriage.
My best & most important friend is a Wiccan. If I were getting married for realsies, I’d definitely want her, or a fellow Wiccan qualified to do so, to bless the marriage. Jews, Buddhists, Muslims - whoever my friends are, I want them to bless my marriage. Might be difficult to get everyone who could do it all together in one room, but I’d try.
I agree with jjimm, it almost sounds like your future husband has a superstitious fear of someone blessing his marriage. That doesn’t make sense to me for an atheist. You’ve already made it clear to your mom you’re not going to have a “Catholic wedding.” But I don’t see the problem getting a Catholic’s blessing.
Not exactly but my brother and sister-in-law are both scientists and not religious. Our mom is very Catholic and it was so important to her he be married in the Catholic church. They decided to give her a “fuck you” and got married in my sister-in-laws church. Her parent’s didn’t strike me as overly religious themselves, but they “belonged to the local church.” Can’t remember what it was, but it wasn’t Catholic. During the ceremony Mom put on a brave face but trembled & cried anyway. Not because she was happy. Because my brother was breaking her heart. Why, because you’re not particularly religious and you don’t really care anyway?
Sorry for the double-post - I missed this.
Indeed, I’m an atheist of 25 years’ standing, and during that time I’ve been blessed by Catholic priests, C of E bishops, Episcopalean vicars, Tibetan Buddhist monks, Thai Buddhist abbots, Daoists, shinto priests, non-denominational pagans, Hindu saddhus, and a Vietnamese Muslim imam.
I take it as a kindness, and in some cases an honor, that these people would consider me worthy of their attention. I haven’t been in the least bit spiritually affected by any of it, but I think it’s nice.
Not necessarily. Maybe he doesn’t want the woman to get a controlling foot in their marriage. As someone else said, what’s next? Catholic baptisms and midnight mass? People need to butt out of other people’s marriages. It is extremely bad form to foist ones’ beliefs on another’s nuptuals.
Do you know for sure that was your brother and SIL’s motivation? When a non-Catholic marries a Catholic in a Catholic ceremony, before the wedding the Catholic must promise to the priest that he or she will raise their future child(-ren) as Catholic, and the non-Catholic must indicate to the priest that (at the very least) he or she understands that their future spouse has promised this. Perhaps they couldn’t in good conscience make that promise.
Elysium, I think you need to find out how uncomfortable this makes your fiance. If he doesn’t care greatly, go with the priest. If it would bother him a lot, then don’t do it. Spouse trumps parent.
No real advice to offer, just my experiences. My wife and I are both atheist, she was raised Lutheran, I Catholic. No way I was going to go through pre-cana, but we got married in my wife’s childhood church by a minister she respected. IMO, if nothing else, churches are pretty places in which to hold weddings. Of course it wasn’t enough for my mom - not a real wedding. Looking back on it, we both wish we had gotten married by a judge in a civil ceremony somewhere other than in a church.
We attended a UU church, and had “dedication ceremonies” for our kids. One of the sponsors was catholic, so we talked with our minister and allowed this sponsor to baptize the kids as part of the ceremony. It meant nothing to us and we thought it might be meaningful to my mom but - you guessed it - the whole ceremony was insignificant as it wasn’t in a real church. Anyway, she had already saved the grandkids’ souls in the kitchen sink.
My niece just got married in a nondenominational ceremony. Her dad - also RC - was really upset that they would be living in sin, not being really married. Hard to believe people still feel that way in this day and age, but they do.
I say make the choices that are right for you and let mom deal with it. The only thing that would “make her happy” is if you betrayed your personal feelings and went through the whole catholic rigamarole - even tho you don’t believe it. And, IMO, I would be less comfortable with that choice over the years than my mom’s displeasure.
It is really awkward and can be ugly when you have to tell your parents that you love them but you are an adult capable of making your own choices, and that your primary family focus is now your spouse rather than your parents. If nothing else, my parents gave me a good lesson of how I wish not to behave when and if my kids get married…
My mother is more Catholic than the Pope, but I left the Church as a teenager and when I got married, the ceremony was entirely non-religious and held in my in-laws’ back yard. Mom never made a peep about it though, because she respected our right to have the day as we wished above her own opinions on the subject. I also feel it would have shown a lack of respect for her beliefs on our part if we’d gone through the charade of having a religious ceremony/ blessing/ whatever when we didn’t believe in it at all. It would seem awfully disrespectful if we’d decided to get married under a chuppa and stomp on glass and read Hebrew prayers too, because we’re no more Jewish than we are Catholic.
Thanks guys, it’s good to hear so many opinions.
I’m leaning towards not having it. Here’s why: my fiancee is very very very uncomfortable by the idea of religion. He doesn’t want anything to do with it, feels physically uncomfortable in churches and thinks it’s all a crock of BS. That, added to my mother’s unshaking faith in God, brings me to my dilemma.
But as burundi said so simply, I think his extreme discomfort at the idea of religion entering our marrige will trump my mother’s disappointment. I can’t say I entirely understand his aversion, but I think I must ultimately respect that and stand by him. After all, it’s his day as much as mine.
But I think I may consider having our officiant incorporate something into the ceremony that will make everyone happy. I’m not sure yet exactly what form that will take, but I’m going to do some brainstorming.
I agree 100%.
You aren’t a Catholic, you’re fiancee isn’t Catholic – in fact, as you say, he doesn’t even feel comfortable with religion.
Personally I think it would be disrespectful of the Catholic church (or Baptist, or Jewish or Wiccan or whatever) to ask one of their clergy to perform what they consider to be a sacred ritual – and what you consider to be a meaningless gesture to make your mother happy.
Would your mother really feel better pushing you to go through with a blessing, knowing that it has no more significance to you than if you hired an actor to put on a dark suit and a collar and go through the same motions?
Tell her you respect her religious beliefs and, as such, don’t want to ask a priest to be part of a sham.
And kunilou steals the show. Excellent point.
That’s (IMO) the point right there - anything short of a catholic ceremony ain’t gonna make them happy, so why compromise your preferences?
Another point, and an argument for nipping this now. If you accede to the fake Catholic bits now, just wait until if/when a child comes along. Mom will want a Christening, or its fake analog.
No, you’re missing the point.
Let’s suppose I feel religion is the root of all evil. By allowing my union to be blessed by whatever religious sect, I am acknowledging that religion is not evil, even if I’m not saying I’m for it.
Spain’s had civil weddings for some 30 years.
Now we’re getting… civil baptisms, of course! :smack:
Okay, that’s a joke, right?