Ok, here’s the story. My fiancee and I are both basically agnostic, leaning towards atheist. We were both baptised Catholic and, in my case, I formally announced to my mother and father before I was scheduled to be confirmed that I did not consider myself Catholic and did not plan on continuing in the church. Future Mr. Elysium simply had parents who were uninterested in religion beyond that first baptism and he has since decided religion is not for him.
However we are scheduled to get married next year and my very traditional Catholic mom is breaking her heart over the fact that we will not have a Catholic wedding.
I explained to her (again) what we went over when I was 14. I am not a Christian, I don’t agree with the Church and its teachings and I see no reason why two non-Christian people should have a Christian wedding. Eventually she got the point. With a lot of sad “you’re going to hell” sighs she agreed that it was best that we have a non-denominational service.
The catch is that she is asking if we would, for her sake, have a priest bless our union at the service. On this one, I’m torn. I really can’t see why not, but a big part of me knows this would make my fiancee uncomfortable. My mother already freaks him out by talking about Jesus alot (I’m used to it by now). I don’t want him to feel imposed by my mother’s religion, but I also don’t want my mom to think that her daughter doesn’t care about her deepest wishes. I love them both dearly, and if it were just me I’d say “Why not, she wants us to be blessed. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
I’m sure I can convice my fiancee that it would be harmless, but I’m not sure it’s the right way to go. Any ideas? Anyone else been through this kind of clash?
I would have a heart to heart with Future Mr. E. Since your mom’s already spooked him, you could be upfront about the situation: “Baby, you know what my mom’s like. It would really mean a lot to her if we could consider…”
And play up the puppy dog eyes.
If he agrees, maybe you two could meet with a priest to discuss what will be said. My father and his wife helped the minister write a speech for their wedding, encompassing all religions and beliefs (or non-beliefs). I thought it was a great touch. The “J” name never entered the speech, which eliminated some potential discomfort. I didn’t notice any distress amongst their definitely non-Christian friends, of which there were at least a few.
And playing the martyr at an agnostic wedding seems pretty selfish. Not to bag on your mom, I’m sure she’s a sweet person otherwise, but if she can’t support her daughter’s wishes on her wedding day, she needs some re-education on the meaning of the word “family” IMO.
I’d be surprised if a Catholic priest would be willing or able, in an official capacity, “bless” a union of two non-Catholics. Seems at that juncture to be a guy in a funny outfit sprinkling water and mumbling Latin. Unless one or more of the marrieds is Catholic, the whole thing is meaningless.
When a priest celebrates a marriage proper, the priest is executing a sacrament. This is deep stuff, and deserves a modicum of respect. The mother, in her passive/aggressive little way, is refusing to accept the belief system of the two adult children marrying.
To Mom: The kids are getting married, cleaving unto each other, and away from you. Forcing a Catholic priest into this insults the kids beliefs, and has as much meaning as the blessings given by the neighborhood priests to the pets.
First, congratulation on your upcoming wedding! When you have it, post pics!
I’m sorry to hear that you mother isn’t happy with your choices. Mine isn’t happy with my choices either. My mother is a strict Mormon (as was my deceased father) and is unhappy that after going up as a Mormon myself, including serving as a missionary, I have become an agnostic bordering on atheist.
As many know, our baby son just died, and among the sad tasks, we had to plan what type of funeral to have. My mother asked if it were OK if she were to contact the local Mormon church here, and have them conduct the ceremony. I do not particularly like Mormon funerals, as many tend to spend more on preaching Mormon doctrine than on the deceased.
I told Mom that while I very much respected her choices in life, as an adult I also need to have her reciprocate. Part of her accepting that I am no longer a Mormon is that there will be times like this, where she’s not going to have the same experience as she would have otherwise. We had our own ceremony which TW and I planned.
OTOH, out of respect for her and her beliefs, I arranged for her to be able to attend the Mormon temple here in Tokyo, which she found to be of comfort.
Your wedding is for you and your fiancé. I would be careful of running a charade because you want to please your mother. What next? If you have children, do they get christened? Also, I would think twice before using sad puppy dog eyes to talk you fiancé into this. This could be something which, depending on his feelings, could bother him quite a bit. You want to show him that you respect his religious choices as well, don’t you?
I don’t get why this seems to be such a big deal. Maybe it’s because I don’t consider religion to be very important. As I see it, odds are good nobody will be harmed by a priest doing the blessing thing. It may not be meaningful to the couple, but it is meaningful to the mother. I don’t see any benefit in upsetting the woman over something that really doesn’t matter.
That’s probably correct, but talk to the priest. While Elysium and his bride are agnostic, there are probably parts of the Catholic ceremony that they do agree with (heck, I’m an atheist and I agree with the Catholics on some items). It depends on the priest, but if yours has an open mind, then he may be able to suggest some things that all involved will like. It’s worth checking out.
The Catholic church blesses non-Catholic weddings every day. They’ve been doing it for years in Japan; they’ve got statistics showing that couples who choose this option are more likely to say “we’re not getting married” after counseling but before the wedding and those who do get married are less likely to get a divorce (no cite, interview with Father Arrupe, then-Father-General of the Order, c. 1990). They attribute this to the fact that the couple are able to talk with each other and get to know each other during counseling in ways that they wouldn’t during a more traditional courtship (many of the couples they get are arranged marriages, yes, those still exist).
They can bless anyone who wants it, they just can’t marry you.
Er, okay, that’s badly phrased. :dubious:
What I mean is, you have to get the marriage performed by a Celebrant because the Catholic priest won’t perform the ceremony for you (they don’t do ‘marriage without god’), but the priest **will **bless you both afterwards if you like.
I’m an atheist married to an atheist, and that was the information I was given when I wanted my priest uncle to perform the marriage.
I didn’t think to ask at the time, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they can possibly do a Communion/Mass afterwards for the benefit of the Catholics. You could possibly get the blessing done as part of that in lieu of taking Communion?
Might be a bit much to ask your husband-to-be though, so perhaps just a quiet blessing by the priest after the ceremony might be the way to go.
To share in their joy…not dictate the ceremony. If her mother doesn’t find a non-religious ceremony to be joyful, she can bow out.
This isn’t like what color flowers to choose. To me, this compromise is unacceptable. Turn the tables on her…ask her if she would have been willing to have a civil union when she got married. My guess is she would not make this compromise for anyone. She should have the same respect for her own child.
Ok, thanks for all the replies. And thank you TokyoPlayer! I will post pics when it happens.
I find myself agreeing with Cerberus. As much as I love her I can’t shake the feeling that this is her in denial again.
But then again, I agree with DagOtto as well. The Catholic wedding mass is not all bad, certainly having a man wish us well can’t hurt.
BrattiAtti’s suggestion sounds good, having an all-encompassing blessing might be nice for everyone involved. I do have friends and family who are jews, pagans, protestants, etc. I’m seriously considering that route.
And in reply to Oakminster, this is important because to my mom this is important. She’s my mom, and she’s going to be there to celebrate with me. A part of me wants to allow her to celebrate in a meaningful way for her.
Please don’t get me wrong, my mom is not a bad person who will turn into mom-zilla if this doesn’t happen. But she will be quietly hurt and for me that’s 10 times worse.
The part I don’t understand is why the presence of a priest would may your intended “uncomfortable.” If religion is really meaningless to him, why should he care? Sure, your mom may babble on about Jesus now and then, but it can’t be worse than my step-father who lectures to anyone who will listen about the merits of various car engines.
Hubby is a Catholic. I’m an athiest. When we got married, his mother asked that we have the ceremony in her church. (We ended up not doing it because the priest refused unless we both began attending his church and went through counselling. We weren’t willing to put that much effort into it.) I wouldn’t have cared one way or the other. To me, a church is just a building and a priest is just a guy in a dress.
I would suggest simply talking to your future husband, and if it doesn’t bother him, we’ll, then there’s no harm, is there? Don’t do the puppy eyes, don’t plead, don’t make a huge deal out of this being important to your mother, just ask him.
If you’re okay with it, and he’s okay with it, and it makes your mother happy, then go ahead with it.
He’s asking: if this thing is important to your mother, and your huband-to-be doesn’t care about religion one way or another, why can’t the both of you agree to the blessing, knowing that it doesn’t hurt either of you, and will keep your mother happy.
Personally, i’m of two minds about the whole thing. One the one hand, i think Oakminster’s attitude is eminently sensible. Why allow this issue to upset your mother when acceding to her wishes will make her happy and will cost you nothing except a few moments of your time.
On the other hand, i get annoyed with religious people who feel that they shold somehow get to determine how non-believers in their family celebrate the things that are important to them. Actually, scratch that; it’s not just about religion. I get annoyed with all people who think they should get to organize how other members of their family live their lives.
If you were a Wiccan or a Buddhist or a Baptist, would your mother allow you to perform a blessing from your belief system at a Catholic wedding?
I agree. By refusing to have a religious blessing, he’s awarding some kind of superstitious value to the ceremony. Tell him to be nice to your mom and let it happen, as it won’t affect him, since he doesn’t believe it in the first place.
