Dear President Bush:
Let’s let bygones be bygones. Best of luck in the future, keep up the good work.
sincerely,
rjung
Dear Chicago Police, Internal Affairs,
It has come to my attention that many of your officers are spending their time working out and keeping themselves presentable. I’ll have none of this. Please instruct your officers to worry more about the scum on the street (like those shifty Germans I saw the other day) than primping for the public.
Perturbed,
[ul]jarbaby[/ul]
cc: Chicago Fire Department; Chicago Welders Union
Dear Monica,
The boys and I are having a cigar party at my new office this weekend. Would you like to come?
Sincerely,
William.
P.S. I really do like that blue dress.
Dear Gillette,
Please send a catalog of specialty shaving supplies. I am especially interested in the following items:
- Very safe safety razors for hard to reach areas
- Telescoping shaving mirrors
- Creams or lotions that prevent itching
Smoothly yours,
Thinksnow
mrblue, I laughed out loud on that one.
I’m gonna do ts too.
Dear Playboy,
Please cancel my subscription to your lewd and perverse magazine. I find that I can no longer read your articles in peace with the extremely distasteful pictures of those big-breasted, nude women all over the place. Since I have recently joined the Promisekeepers Organization, I feel I must speak out against the abuse of these poor ladies, all of whom, I’m sure, were forced to pose without the consent of their husbands.
Sincerely,
thinksnow
Dear Sirs:
I would like to renounce my support for coal fired power plants, and would like to go on record as stating that nuclear power is the best source of power, and king coal is evil…
Yours Sincerely:
Anthracite
P.S. Can I change my SDMB handle to Fissionable Uranium?
Dear President Heston:
After much thought and soul searching, I now feel that all life is just as important as humankind and have decided to become vegan. Accordingly, I am giving up hunting and feel the the right to bear arms as delineated in the Constitution does not cover assault rifles or hand guns. I have also joined Greenpeace. Please delete my name from your membership rolls.
Sincerely,
Ted Nugent
You know we love you, right Eric?
[sub]Psst… Bunny, that is his name, isn’t it?[/sub]
Dear Disgusting Maid-Service Person,
If you’re going to use toilet water to clean my apartment, could you at least remember to flush first?
Completely Flabbergasted,
thinksnow
P.S. I have no idea who changed the locks.
Dear Rabbi,
How can you continue with this madness? You are destroying the world with your perverted customs, and are responsible for all the evils known to man!
Sincerely,
Jack Dean Taylor
Yup.
Dear jarbabyj:
Your first installment for this thread: this thread has been forwarded to your swiss bank account. Your creativity in promoting our company’s products to Straight Dope readers is unmatched, and I can report that the guys down in marketing laughed for a good half hour when they read what you came up with.
Future payments will be sent the same account.
Yours,
RJ Reynolds
Bunny, just so you know, I was kidding…
But, while I’m here…
Dear Fiddle Castrol,
Us Texans, uh… Americans think you are bad for trade in the Easter… Western Hemispher. Cube-ans should be free to buy our far [awkward pause] superior stuff, and we should be free to buy cigars. We think we should be better that you. I’m sure I can make you see things our way.
To show the [awkward pause] enormity [awkward pause] of our goodwill toward the common Cube-an citizan, we would like to opne trade. As a sign of goodwill between our grate countries, we would like to [awkward pause] present gifts to you.
These powerful [awkward pause] high-tech missiles will be there within five minuets or so.
Thank you,
Georgie W
(i’m going to hell for this)
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your advertisment in the Dallas Morning News for the position of live in nanny. As you can see from my enclosed resume, I have a great deal of experience with children.
I look forward to speaking with you regarding this opportunity.
Sincerely
Andrea Yates
Dear Miss Creant,
Your application has been accepted.
Yours truly,
Lucifer
Home # - 666-6666
office # - 666-6666
Dear Mrs. Bronzelion:
Your claim submissions for ‘doctor’ visits on every Wednesday and Friday of the month are being denied. We are unable to substantiate any valid medical reasons for these numerous visits.
It is very difficult to justify paying claim when the doctor in question has only been identified as ‘doctor’ and no diagnoses, prognosis, or course of treatment has been submitted.
If you have any other questions regarding this matter please feel free to call our customer service hotline.
Sincerely yours,
pezpunk
Cigna Insurance
dear e.s.l administrator
i do not thinking your class was taught well…because my posts are still made fun of and i do not know why they are…maybe this means your school stinks. i do not know.
i have no shift keys either.
thanks
bj0rn
Dear Georgie W:
You will please tell to them for me that the Washington Senators:
You made a very big many mistakes when in 1955 sign to me you did not for your beisbol team for to playing. Now you can see hope do I that the mistake was yours and not I playing too badly for your team to play?
My many thank to you, George, for your to helping in this matters. It is a problem I have long been vexing over for to send to the Washington Senators for their team that who did not sign me.
Fidel Castro
Dear Lynn Bodoni:
Im NOT 2 stupd 4 wrds. Take that off my scrn!
Lov,
2sexy4mycomputer
Dear Vincent K McMahon,
Please ask Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam to stop sending me pictures of themselves. Especially the pictures of themselves in the shower. These photos do nothing for me.
Yours, hardygrrl
p.s. I think you need to push Billy Gunn just a little more.
My Dear hardygrrl,
I don’t know quite how to break this to you, but Jeff Hardy doesn’t like girls. He’s a gym queen, so to speak, not that there is anything wrong with that. Which reminds me, I really need to have a chat with him about that ‘Montenegro Man Hammer’ move he thinks he is using next week… I just don’t think it’s a good idea.
Keep your chin up,
Vincent McMahon
PS I am so glad you don’t find this stuff intelligence numbing fakery! Keep watching!
[hijack]
“Montenegro Man Hammer”?
Bwahahahahahha 
Good one,Waverly.