Letters to bands

Dear Mr. Leppard:

As per your request, I have poured some sugar on you. Please let me know if I can be of further service.



Dear Mr. Winwwod,

While I respect your opinion, before any killings are to take place I would first like to know who this John Barleycorn is and why must he die?


K. Kat

Dear Ms. Morrisette:

Yes, she does go down on me in a theater.

Yrs, W.A. Duck

Dear Mr. Stapp,

I regret to inform you that I have reviewed our records and have come to the conclusion that I am unable to take you higher. If you contact my secratary, she will give you a free stationary pad for your troubles.

Good luck,
Colin McBride

Dear Phish,

Trey’s got two bands now. Please come back before the situation gets graver.

Take care,


Dear Bruce Campbell,

Sorry about your movie career. I heard you wrote an autobiography - who would have guessed you were literate? I figured you mostly just knew how to pull the lever to get another banana.

This is supposed to be a letter to a band. So if you see Björk, would you tell her that it’s exciting just to exist at the same time as her? If the new baby is a girl I hope she is a tiny spark ice princess.



I decided to send a telegram instead:

Dear Linkin Park,

You Suck! Stop. No, really, Stop. Stop.

and now for a letter:

Dear “Other Members” of No Doubt,

You would be NOWHERE without the blond! The sooner you realize this and deal with it, the better! Invest your money wisely, for it will be a long, rough road ahead.

and now, a thank-you card:

Dear Dixie Chicks,

Thanks for the incredable night! :smiley:

She said she loved me like a brother. Thats great, cause she’s from Mississippi!

Dear Ms. Morissette:

Yes, it is ironic.

Dear Mr. Stewart,

In regards to your query of August 12, 1978, I do not want your body, nor do I find your sexy. Please direct any further inquiries to my lawyer.


L. Mancer

Dear Mr.'s Tyler,Perry,Hamilton, Whitford and Kramer,
Please stop trying to be something you’re not. Thank you.
D. Zero Man

Dear M. Doughty,

In regards to your recent request, I regret to inform you that we will be unable to take the elevator to the mezzanine. However, please feel free to move aside and let the man go through at your earliest convenience.

Ms. J200, esq.

Dear Mr. Casey,
We regret to inform you that your services as my “Boogie Man” are no longer required. Immediately upon your departure, you will be required to return your “Boogie shoes”. Failure to do so will result in the loss of your deposit.

Thank you for your many years of service.

Mr. Blue Sky

Dear Phish,

I would love to go out to dinner and see a movie. Please have your people call my people.


Dear Mr. Campbell,

Please put down the wine and stop listening to my phone conversations, and fix my damn cable! I have a right mind to report you to the Witchita Telephone Company.

An Angry Consumer

Dear Messrs. Johnson and Ballantyne,

On behalf of my friends in Alberta, I feel I must say this:

If you lost your way and can’t tell about a heaven in Alberta, that’s one thing. However, Alberta does not have all hell for a basement!

Alena Brolx

Dear Mr. Rose,
Whatever happened between you guys, please call Slash, Duff, Izzy, and Steven (or at least Matt) and apologize. Even if it wasn’t your fault - be the bigger man. The one song I’ve heard from your new, so-called Guns N’ Roses sucked, and was totally not what you sounded like with the original band. If you ever want to see your career again, I would highly recommend it.

Your Fan,
Dirty Earthworm

Dear Anthony, Flea, et. al.
Will you put on some damn pants, please??


Dear Wesley Willis,
You are completely insane. Get help, ** NOW! ** That will be all.

P.S. - Just for the record, you did not kick batman or superman’s ass.

P.P.S.- A headbutt is not an autograph.

Dear Creed,
I know God sent you here for the sole purpose of annoying me every time I turn on the radio, but if you would go away, I promise I will go to church every Sunday, and Wednesday. Otherwise, … well, let’s not go there. Thanks in advance!

Dear Baha Men,

I don’t give a flying f*** who let the dogs out. Go back to One-Hit Wonder purgatory.

Dear TMBG,

Istanbul was renamed after the Emperor Constantine.

Which is…?

Dear JB and KG,

I call shenanigans. What exactly is your so-called “greatest song in the world”?

Little Girl

Dear Mr. Mann:

Iput the bomp in the bomp-ba-bomp-ba-bomp. My cousin Bernard put the ram in the ram-a-lama-ding-dong. Our cooperative efforts stemmed for years of controlled experiments and one night of binge drinking. To date, we have stopped 14,365 known cases of backup singers uttering ba-ba-ba and ding-dong over pithy fifties rock lyrics.

As far as the bop-shoo-bop-shoo-bop and the dip-de-dip-de-dip are concerned, we have no official comment on the subject, but have expressed doubt as to the veracity of recent intellectual property rights claims made by the family of one Mr. Lymon.

We must remind you that we cannot be held responsible for any long-term emotional commitments you have made stemming from hormonal reaction to our syllabic profundity.


Say… so what’s the deal with you and your monkey? Are you, like, an item? Just curious…

Rupert (monkeys are sexy) Murdoch