Dear Miss Spears:
Due to my unfortunate incarceration, I regret to inform you that I cannot hit you one more time. I apologize for any inconvenience that this may cause you.
spooje
Dear Principal Vedder,
Thank you for informing us about Jeremy’s attrocious behavior in class today. I will try to give more attention to the fact that his mother doesn’t care in the future.
Jeremy’s Dad
Dear Mr. J. Hendrix, c/o JH Inc.,
I am writing to thank you meeting with me last Wednesday to discuss my future position with you. As requested, I am enclosing a copy of my resume for your consideration. You will notice I have over six years of experience in AutoCAD and Form Z. I hope this clarifies your last question; I am also pleased to hear that you are familiar with this software as well. I look forward to speaking with you in the future about a position with JH Inc.
Sincerely,
IB
Dear Mr. Morrissey,
I am writing to inform you that the “now” you are refering to came so soon as to be refered to as “then” in all future correspondence. If this is not to your satisfaction, please return to your nearest outlet for a full refund.
yours,
IB
Dear Mr. L-Belly,
I am writing to let you know that I spent last night at the Howard Johnsons down at the corner of Randolph, having locked myself out of the house. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused; if you see my husband, please convey my sincere regrets.
Fondly,
MG
Dear Mssrs Buck, Berry, Mills, and Stipe:
The frequency is 43.5Hz.
Best regards,
Kenneth
Dear Miss Aguilera,
In regards to your collaborative effort on “Lady Marmalade,” yes, I will sleep with you tonight, provided you can pick a hairstyle and color and stick with it. Let me know when is best for you.
Yours,
Dirty Earthworm
P.S.: Enclosed is a high-calorie cheeseburger and order of fries. Yes, it’s a hint. Put some meat on them bones before our big date, or I’m afraid I may snap you in half.
Mr. O’Dowd,
Yes. I really want to hurt you.
Mr. Durst,
Regarding your supposed discovery of the reason why I want to hate you, I’m afraid you are mistaken. The true reason is quite simple. You suck.
Mr. McCartney,
Because the road is dirty and uncomfortable, plus we could be stuck by a passing car. The fact that no one will be watching us is irrelevant.
Dear Mr. Gabriel,
Despite your efforts to bring different types of music to the forefront, it does not give the right to shock monkeys. I must ask you to cease and desist and further incidents of primate torture.
Mr. Blue Sky
PS. GIVE UP! and leave Kate Bush alone!
Dear Mr. Durst,
After careful consideration of your demands, I have opted for the highway.
Sincerely,
L.
I showed this to a friend and he suggested:
Dear Mr. Strummer,
You should go.
Yrs,
Shas
Dear Creed,
Yes, I can take you higher. How does the upper stratosphere sound? Or would you prefer the thermosphere?
–Angel
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Mr. Cobain,
I am delighted to be invited, and I will certainly come as I am. However, I have an unfortunate allergy to bleach. How about I just cover myself in a layer of powdered Tide?
Additionally, my sources have informed that you do indeed have a gun.
–Gabe
Dear Mr. Jagger,
Due to increasing world economic woes, we regret to inform you that your satisfaction will have to delayed once again.
We realize how important it is for you to get satisfaction and we are working day and night to meet your satisfaction needs.
Your patience is greatly appreciated.
The Satisfaction Guild
P.S. It has recently been discovered that Jumpin’ Jack Flash is NOT a gas, but is, in reality, a solid. Please adjust your records accordingly.
Dear Mr. Prince,
After hearing your account of the events of May 14, 1985, I felt I must rebut some of your claims. To wit:
-
I did not enter the Five and Dime through the “out” door. Your boss, Mr. McGee, can verify that I came in through the proper entrance.
-
Not to boast, but I graduated Summa Cum Laude with a Ph.D. in Biochemistry. “Wasn’t too bright” indeed.
-
Perhaps you wouldn’t change a stroke, but my favorite place for that sort of activity is NOT on the wet floor of some barn. And believe me, I know how to get my kicks.
-
I do not buy my clothing from a second-hand store.
-
Finally, the beret in question was Maroon.
I urge you to set the record straight or you will be hearing from my lawyer.
Sincerely,
A. K.
Mr. Tutone,
Please stop calling me.
Jenny
To Messrs Simmons, Stanley, Frehley, & Criss,
Numerous complaints from your neighbors have been pouring across my desk of late. It seems that you are in violation of Code 17-456 which states:
“The latest hour until one can “rock & roll” shall be no later than 11:00pm and the longest one may party shall be no longer than half of one day”
Therefore, you must cease and desist immediately or face stiff fines and possible deportation to Detroit, where such activities are encouraged.
Dear Mr. Hawkins:
Please remove the spell you recently cast on my client. She asserts quite strongly that she is not yours, not now or at any other time. Indeed, she doesn’t want you, and finds your lack of concern for her feelings quite hurtful.
She also resents your accusations of infidelity, or “running around” as you so tactfully stated it. How could my client be unfaithful to a man who she wants nothing to do with? And furthermore, she is not interested in a relationship with a man who apparently has to resort to the black arts of voodoo in his attempts to find affection.
Failure to remove said spell and termination of your slander and libel of my client will force us to take civil action.
Good day,
J. W. Barnhill, Esq.
Dear Ms. Jett,
Yes, I do want to touch you there. Do you want to call me, or should I call you?
Protesilaus
Dear Mr. Kelly,
Regarding your belief that you can indeed, fly. We invite you to explore that belief from the top of our structure.
Sincerely,
The Golden Gate Bridge Maintainence Crew
Dear B-52’s,
I am proud to say that this mess has successfully been danced around.
D’Moe
Dear Mr. Joel,
This letter is in regards to your upcoming arson case. As your legal counsel, I am advising you that the defense you are proposing has very little chance of success. It is unlikely that the jury would believe the fire “was always burning since the world’s been turning.” I recommend that you contact me so we can work on a better defense strategy.
Sincerely,
Lee Galliz, Esquire
Dear Flaming Lips:
The Superman Corporation currently has no plans in helping you through your current problems. We advise you stop waiting for our assistance and instead seek the help of one of your local private security firms. Thank you for your inquiry, and we hope to meet your needs more adaquetely in the future.
Sincerely,
Superman Corporation
Hah! 
Screamin’ Jay ruled; I was sad when he died.
Dear Mssrs. Entwhistle, Moon, Townshend, and Daltrey:
Who the frick are you ? I live here.
Sincerely,
Neil