Dear Mr. Pop,
Although I appreciate your kind offer, I already have a dog.
Dear Messrs. Nielsen, Zander, Carlos, and Petersson,
I regret that I am unable to comply with your request to want, need, love, and beg you. I suggest that you inquire elsewhere.
Dear Mr. Clapton,
When I get lonely, I call my mother.
Sincerely,
Layla
Legomancer, I love yours.
Angel, the Nirvana one is great! 
And props to Protesilaus, as well…
Dear Mark, Tom and Travis,
You are 30, 26, and 26 years old, respectively.
City Hall, Birth Certificate Department
Dear Madonna,
I’m sorry, but I’m just so sad, I can’t help it.
Dear System of a Down,
I just felt like forsaking you, ok?
Dad
Dear Mr. Folds,
I found Chapel Hill too boring for my tastes. I’m living it up on the Left Coast.
Regards,
Summer B.
Neil, I miss him too. I still put “Constipation Blues” on mix CDs just to mess with people.
Dear Mr. Zappa:
You do not have to worry about being drafted into military service at this time. The United States Armed Forces have not requested the reactivation of the draft; nor does it have any plans to for the forseeable future. Besides which you are older than the upper limit of the draft age. In addition, according to our records you are still deceased. If our information is in error, please notify us promptly. Remember, your federal government exists to serve you.
Thank you,
Maj. Donald Westin
Chairman, United States Selective Service Board
Dear Mr. Springfield
Stay the hell away from my girl.
Dear Ms. Morrisette,
Hey, no problem.
Dear Ms. Morrisette,
Any time…
Dear Ms. Morrisette,
You’re welcome.
Disillusionment.
…
…
…
Dear Mr. Shady,
Please sit back down again.
Dear Mr. Dylan,
Regarding the questions you have been putting off on me, I feel I can come out pretty resolutely on the “seeing the sky” as only once, and I’m pretty sure one ear is all that’s required. I’ve asked my friend for some help on the doves and cannonballs. Regarding the last four, you’re going to have to ask my boss.
Sincerely,
the wind
Mr. Lindemann,
Contrary to your song lyrics, you may be pleased to find that in fact I do not…Do NOT hate you! And in fact, if I could be given just an hour of your time, you would delightfully find my feelings to be quite the contrary.
Lighten up, pal! The world is your oyster.
And while we’re at it, why don’t you watch an episode or two of The Osbournes. The future that MAY be or will be? You be the judge.
yours in christ,
jarbaby
Mr. Davis:
I’m interested in how being clean and sober coincides with your drinking beer backstage during Family Values '98.
However, rather than discuss this matter with you, I would simply suggest you take a bath.
toodles,
jar
Man, I don’t believe no one caught me on this. I’ll go in the corner now.
Dear Mr. Brooks,
F*ck off!
Yours truly,
CLAYTON_e
Ah… I needed that.
Dear Rolling Stones,
Re: your ongoing satisfaction problem. Since this has been going on since the '60s, may I urgently suggest you contact your respective physicians. Much progress has been made in the girlie action front since then, e.g. Viagra.
And Mr. Wyman, ask the doctor to check your pulse while you’re there. I’m afraid he may have some bad news for you.
Actually, I loved that one…
Dear Ms. Sainte-Marie,
No problem!
-Ms. la Mia
Wounded Knee Funeral Home
dear mr hammer
despite your assertations to the contrary, i think you will find that i can touch this, and i have included photo evidence to demonstrate my ability to engage in this touching.
yours
.gex*
(on second thoughts… this sounds vaguely pornographic. maybe i shall not send this letter.)
Dear Paula Cole:
We’ve gone to Dallas.
Thanks for asking,
The Cowboys
Dear Mr. Duritz,
Yes. I saw you in concert here last September. Somebody hit you in the face with a seat cushion, remember?
Sincerely,
Ben
To: Mssrs. Schenker, et al dba The Scorpions
Re: The Rocking of Us
To Whom It May Concern:
It has come to our attention that, as per our contract, you were to rock us “like a hurricane”. Recent studies have shown a serious decline in your rocking. In fact, your recent rocking has been likened to that of a weak low pressure front. Please increase the level of your rocking to that of hurricane or consider our contract terminated.
Dear Outkast:
Apology accepted.
Miss Jackson
Dear Mr. Simon,
Our records confirm that you are still mentally ill, even after such a long passage of time. Please return for your medication as soon as possible.
Dear Dexie:
CC: Midnight Runners
No.
-Eileen.
Dear Melanie, Melanie, Victoria & Emma;
What I really, really want …
Well, this isn’t the right forum to discuss this. Call my office to arrange a lunch meeting.
I’ll bring the burgers.
Ronald
Dear Creed,
You are correct. Six feet isn’t that far down. Please find a higher cliff to jump off of.
Elfie
Dear Ms. Simon,
I actually never thought that your song was about me, and I resent the implication.
Elfie
Dear Mr. Taylor,
I have no objections to seeing you again, per say, but the restraining order you placed upon me makes it difficult for me to do so. Lift it and we’ll have coffee.
Elfie