Dear Michael,
I want my face back.
-Diana
Dear Ms. Lennox:
Because, that’s why.
yers,
spoke-
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Dear Mr. Armstrong,
You’re not paranoid, you’re just stoned.
-Dirty Earthworm.
Dear Ms. Moore,
My client has informed me of your impending arrival and your demand to, as you put it, ‘get this party started.’
According to my client’s records you were not invited to the aforementioned party for numerous reasons. To wit, your Mercedes isn’t nearly as flashy as you would have people to believe, after checking with Verizon we’ve found that you are not, as you claim to be, the operator and, furthermore, you have no authority to connect us to ‘the party line’ and, finally, we don’t know what ‘you can go for miles’ means.
Please understand if you do arrive at my client’s place of residence, you’ll be greeted by the local authorities and be promptly escorted off the premises.
Sincerely,
Juanita
Dear Monotones:
It appears to have been a collaborative effort:
Hope this helps!
Lego
Dexy,
I’m not going anywhere with you, so just leave me the fuck alone.
Eileen
[Oops, I see **Spiratu[/b/ beat me to that one.]
Dear Mr. Frampton,
Judging by the sounds made at the time of the inquiry, I believe I can categorically state that I do not feel like you do.
Sincerely,
MrVisible
Dear Ms. Ross,
We regret that the authority vested in you in the name of love is insufficient to warrant a position in our traffic enforcement division. We wish you luck in your future endeavors.
Illionois Department of Motor Vehicles
Dear Mr. Clinton and other members of P-Funk:
Please be advised that I do not have ‘the funk’ and therefore cannot and will not ‘give it up’ to you or your affiliates. As such, I am hereby demanding that you immediately cease and desist from making any further monotonous demands for same. Moreover, if you persist in making comments regarding my mother, I will immediately inform the local authorities.
Yours,
Abe User
Dear Michael:
Yes, I am actually quite okay.
Annie
Dear Areosmith,
I’m sorry to inform you that your tenture as tour guides at the Museum of Science has come to an end. Your appeals for patrons to ‘walk this way’ has resulted in several nasty injuries when people followed you through the exhibits under constuction. The one in the dinosaur area was near fatal, as you must know. You’ll be hearing from our lawyer as well.
Museum director,
BSM
Dear Ms. Reddy,
Certain claims made in your song lyrics have recently come under some scrutiny. In order for the RIAA to remain in compliance with the truth in advertising laws, we will require a demonstration of your strength and invincibility. To that end, we have arranged a cage match between yourself and three dozen rabid silverback gorillas.
We look forward to seeing you there.
Wallabee, Smidgen and Gross
Attorneys
Client: Everyone who’s ever had that song stuck in their head for days on end
Dear Public Domain,
Yes, I am happy. I am aware of this happiness. If you continue to insist that I clap my hands as a demonstration of said mirth, I am afraid that this joyful state will not continue, but be replaced with a slight feeling of annoyance and chagrin.
Thank you,
D’moe
Dear Mr. Diamond;
I heard that.
Sincerely,
The Chair
Dear Huey,
This is it. I’m letting you know.
(Bonus points to Legomancer for the link. HA!)
Dear Mr. Floyd,
Got your postcard. Sorry I’m not there. Try calling me collect some time.
Mrs. Floyd
Dear Simple Minds,
Don’t worry, I’m sure no one will ever forget you. May you have a long and healthy career.
Dear Misters Daltrey, Townshend, Entwhistle and Moon;
My name’s Larry.
Sincerely, Larry.
Dear Mr. Hayes,
I am the black private dick that’s a sex machine to all the chicks.
Sincerely, Shaft.
Dear Mr. Vox,
The street sign here got knocked over by a truck, so it has no name. Plus, you can get under the awning in case the rain gets poisonous.
Sincerely, Bumfuck Egypt