Celebrity/Doper Fakemail

I’m fond of letters written in the voice of various celebrities, for comedic effect. Do your worst.

Dear Sir,

I admire your gloves. How do they handle moisture?



Dear Sir,

I have an exciting new idea for advertising your product. If you will provide me with a a few moments of your time and a toothbrush, I will be happy to demonstrate.




Dear Sir:

Marcel Marceau

Dear Roget’s,

I am disappointed that you have not shown interest in the list of submissions I have provided you concerning synonyms for Asshammer, Fuckwit and Twatstain.

You are all a bunch of taint-rips.



Dear SDMB Moderators,

What are you closing my threads? You’re going to give me a persecution complex.


Dear Cigna,

Thank you for sending your wonderful Doctors to my wife’s office. She thoroughly enjoyed her visit.


Dear Ford Motor Company,

Please accept this order for two identical Ford Explorers. One for myself, one for my beautiful wife. When she sees it, she will be so pleased! SCORE!

SUVs Forever,


Dear Cecil Adams,

Why must you mock me so? Don’t you know that I have the world’s highest IQ and am much more popular than you? Plus I’m cute and I make great eggs!

Hen and a half indeed. My answer was better.

Marilyn vos Savant.

Dear UN,

Y’all should stop tryin to start this one world goverment, see? 'Cause I know its some plan of yours to take over and the liberals here are already taking God out of the schools and teaching that damn monkey science. 'Cause, you know when you start taking over, the Apokalips is gonna start.


Wildest Bill

Dear Sir,

It’s been six weeks since I sent my third request for a signed photo of you. I’m dying to hang it on my bulletin board! You’re my hero! I know you’re busy, but couldn’t Tipper take a moment and slip it in an envelope to send my way?



Dear Sir,

Enclosed find my membership application and personal check.

Finally I can realize my lifelong dream to be a member of the Chicago Cubs Die Hard Fan Club.
Yours, Crunchy Frog

Dear God,

Will you stop with the groundhogs already?



Dear God,

Will you stop with the Scylla already?


The Groundhogs

Dear groundhogs,
I’m working on it.

Dear Oklahoma State Police,

Please respond to my many requests to place a stricter restraining order on Miss Claudia Cristian. She continues to flaunt the previous orders, and approaches well within one hundred feet of me.


Arden Ranger

Dear Sexy Woman,

Why don’t YOU and your WINE go stand over there? I hate you for trying to sit on my lap and chew my earlobe.



Dear G**dVib*s,

Please stop sending your disgusting and sinful catalogs. Your products are the tools of the Devil and I wish to have nothing to do with them or a sleazy, Hell-bound company such as yours.

Yours in Christ,


Dear AX371,

I was very impressed with your personal ad. I like movies and dining out, too! I would like to meet you for a drink.

I have enclosed a photo of myself, as you requested. As you can see, my foreskin restoration is going very well.

I look forward to hearing from you.


Dear Katie Couric,

Don’t you realize how much better you’d look if your hair was poofed up?

Your Admirer,

Mark Serlin

Dear God,

   Why have you blessed me with a vagina, so magical, and glows like so? Don't get me wrong it attracts looks, which is fine, but why not give some guy a glowing penis too? Preferably a hot guy, with a big penis.

                                    Silver Fire


I would like to hear more about your free energy inventions and global conspiracy theories. I don’t want the men in black to know where or when we will meet, so I am sending out contact information via ESP.
Keep your mind focused,
Uri Geller