I’m creating a form letter. So far, this is what I have:
Dear _____________,
Hello. How are you? How is/are the __ kid(s)? __ cat(s)? __ dog(s)? __ fish? __ armadillo(s)? __ other(s)?
I miss you and the __ kid(s) __ cat(s) __ dog(s) __ fish __ armadillo(s) __ other(s).
We worked hard today. We did/did not have PT, and I am/am not sore. We also had __ CTT training __ classes __ other.
The weather here is ________. I am __ hot __cold __ comfortable.
I have not caught Osama yet. This is only because:
__ I have not yet left the United States
__ he’s an elusive bastard
__ I forgot my poncho
__I don’t have any handcuffs
__ my SSG won’t let me
__ I’ve been too busy playing X-box
__ I haven’t figured out what all the buttons on my new GPS receiver do yet
Take care of yourself and the __ kid(s) __ cat(s) __ dog(s) __ fish __ armadillo(s) __ other(s).
Your loving husband,
(sign here)
P.S. __ Happy Anniversary __ Happy Birthday __ Happy Holidays __ Happy Groundhog Day
You can see where I’m going with this. I’m looking for at least one more joke similar to the Osama one - if I can get more than that, I’d delete one of the kids/cats/dogs references to make space.
Any other ideas are also welcome.
So dopers - show me the funny!
I’d change “I miss you and …”
Instead of repeating kids, pets, etc., change to" I miss you and __cable TV, __my remote control, __McDonald’s fries, __Sundays watching sports on TV, __professional wrestling, __getting my back waxed, …" etc. I’m sure someone can improve on that.
The weapons of mass destruction are:
a) still missing
b) currently being destroyed by our military
c) currently being resold to “friendly” nations by our military
d) in my pants
Try this line:
I just spent four hours cleaning the __________ out of my ___________.
You guys rock my world! Those are both fantastic!
Who else wants to play?
I miss you and … __the Coors twins.
Excellent. I added that after the PT/training line.
I also changed this one:
I miss you and __ my remote control __ McDonald’s french fries __ your broccoli/mushroom casserole <he hates broccoli and mushrooms - I’ve never actually made this dish… :D> __ the Coors twins __ getting my back waxed __ professional wrestling
I am so impressed with you guys. I forgot to mention that I plan to print it on a 3 part form - with the following distribution note:
White-wife Yellow-husband Pink-Burn so the terrorists don’t get it
And the form number is LAZ-HUS-001.
Oh yeah - corporate humor. Two jokes in one! (He told me when I used the term ‘brainstorm’ the other day that you can tell I work for a bureaucracy - like no real people use that word. :rolleyes: ) 
I can’t wait to see more!
…however we did manage to catch
__ one of Saddam’s many relations
__ one of Saddam’s friends
__ someone who had once heard of Saddam
__ an unusual rash.
While doing without
__ home cooked meals
__ a real bed
__ nudie bars
__ pedicures
is a hardship, I get through it by thinking of how much I love
__ you
__ the kids
__ tits
__ the guy who gives me my pedicure.
If only you could be here with me, I’m sure you’d
__ see how hard I work for my country
__ see how foul-mouthed soldiers can be
__ regret it
__ criticize me for every little thing just like usual.
With minor modifications, I’ve used everyone’s stuff. I even added to the ‘manage to catch’ joke __ a frisbee with my nose <because he got whacked in the nose while playing frisbee out there - I’m so evil>. 
I’ve wiggled and jiggled my form and have room for at least two more jokes - I took out some of my more boring stuff.
(I know, I know. I only asked for one or two jokes originally. These are so good, I changed my mind.) 
Gotta have one to trip him up too, like:
I miss your beautiful eyes of: __Brown __Green __Blue __Red.
Oh and…
I was I was there to help with the: __Car __Lawn __Groceries __Kids __(You Know)
From the bottom of “An Irish Mother’s Letter To Her Son”…
something along the lines of P.S. I was going to send you some money, but I have already sealed the envelope.
I have squashed ____2 ____4 ____6 ____8 ____1000 ____rats ____ scorpions ____ roaches ____locusts _____rats _____socks I thought were ____rats ____ scorpions ____ roaches ____locusts _____rats.
Send more ____ sunscreen ____ underwear ____ chocolate _____ pantyhose _____ toothpaste ____ condoms _____ home video.
I miss the way you ___wash my dishes ___make my dinner ___ wash my clothes ___ give me hand jobs
Try starting:
Dear my darling __wife, __husband, __lover, __au pair, __TV, __Sergeant Major
and ending:
Love your __husband, __wife, __bitch
__________________(sign here)
One of the grateful citizens:
a) Ran straight at me while wearing plastic explosives
b) Drove straight at me while wearing plastic explosives
c) Called me “the bastard son of a farting camel”
d) Set himself on fire to protest my being there
e) Taped “Shoot me” sign to the back of my tank
I’ve printed my form on 3 part paper and am sending the original one to withaK.
Its so good, I can’t bear to share it with only him. So I’ve cleaned it up a little, retitled it to Soldier’s Form Letter (Home). I’ve changed the signature line from ‘Your Loving Husband’ to Your Loving __________’. That way it can be used for boyfriends, parents, etc. I’m going to take several copies to the Family Readiness Group meeting the weekend and I hope it will be a big hit.
I’ll be saving any new and unused jokes for the second form I’ll be doing, so if you have any more, keep them coming! Of course, I will make it known that funnier minds than mine provided most of the jokes.
You guys are wonderful! Thank you so much. (I really needed this entertainment. I miss him a lot.) The SDMB community has been a bright spot during this bleak period of my life. I am greatful.
P.S. So, um, have the Olsen twins turned eighteen yet?
Maybe somewhere toward the end of the letter you could have:
The mail is rather slow here so next time please contact me by:
____ Phone ___ FAX ____ E-Mail ____ Candy-Gram™ _____ Signal Mirror
____ Pony Express ____ Smoke Signal _____ Vulcan Mind Meld
I’m not funny myself, so I have nothing to add. I just wanted to say you guys are all pure comedy gold.
Always remember that we are fighting:
__ The forces of an evil despot.
__ Men in silly hats.
__ For freedom.
__ For oil.
__ A War on Terror.
__ A War on Drugs.
__ A War on Drug-using Terrorists.
__ To get the President re-elected.
__ To piss off the French.
__ Because it pays well.
__ Because you forged my enlistment papers.
__ Boredom.