Army letter part 2 - help me write the 'Soldier's Form Letter from Home'

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

As requested by Cinnamon Girl in this thread, I’m putting together the follow up letter to the ‘Lazy Army Husband’s Form Letter (Home)’.

This letter will be from home.

Here’s what I have so far (most of the jokes contributed by Cinnamon Girl):

Dear:

<>Sweetheart
<>Honey
<>Asshole
<>Sperm Factory
<>Child of my loins, that I/your mother labored _____ hours to birth

I’m writing this letter to tell you:

<>I miss you
<>I’m leaving you for the mailman
<>you owe me money
<>I’m pregnant
<>The sink is stopped up again
<>I’ve thrown out your Barcalounger
<>I ran over your dog/cat.

The _____ are great, but the dog/cat:

<>is listless and sleeps all day and all night in your empty Barcalounger
<>had 12 puppies/kittens
<>was put down due to rabies
<>has taken to peeing in your shoes (he misses you so)
<>is squashed beyond all recognition

I got a letter from the IRS yesterday. They:

<>are auditing us
<>are giving us a big fat refund check
<>are still wondering why we haven’t filed our taxes for the past two years. (I know you’ve been busy and all)
<>have determined our ‘married filing jointly’ status is bogus since the Federal government doesn’t recognize civil unions.

Thanks to the paychecks you’ve had deposited directly to our joint account:

<>I got a boob job/penis enlargement
<>the kids have been enrolled in expensive private schools
<>I’m headed to Bermuda with the mailman
<>I bought you a big screen TV (and I’ve got my eye on a leather Barcalounger with built-in fridge and massage functions.)

While you’re gone, I spend my days:

<>pining away, counting the hours until you return
<>watching the grass grow
<>enjoying all the extra time I have now that I don’t have to cook for you or do your laundry
<>on Match.com
<>tanning for that trip to Bermuda
<>searching for a new dog/cat
<>playing Halo on your X-box
These jokes take up 1/2 a page, so I have plenty of room for more. So, my amazingly funny doper buddies, show me whatcha got!

2

You might also be interested to learn:

<>I’m taking Karate classes
<>your pedicure guy has been asking about you
<>I have a new recipe for brocolli/mushroom casserole
<>your son was arrested for indecent exposure
<>your daugher ran off and joined the circus
<>the mailman loves your Barcalounger and your clothes fit him perfectly!

3

You laugh but it’s already been done! Well, at least the other way around…

http://my.inil.com/~jimvgill/wwipages/notes/fspc_001.html

4

I need your:
a) warm, throbbing cock
b) PIN number
c) honest opinion – does my ass look big in this dress?
d) death to look like an accident
e) signature on the divorce papers as soon as possible

Do you think it’s a good idea if we sell your fishing boat to buy a new dinette set?
<> Yes <> Yes

Good, because I already did.

I bet you could use some thought puzzles to take your mind off the fighting. Here are a few for you.

Unscramble the words to discover the secret messages:
M’I LEAVNIG YUO FRO TEH PPAERBOY.
UYO AERN’T HTE CHLIDERN’S BIOLOGCIAL FTAHER.
I SEPNT LAL UOR LFIE SVAINGS BYUING LPA DNACES RFOM SRTIPPERS.
OYU’RE LUOSY NI EDB.

5

I have been sleeping with:

the milkman the postman your brother/sister other

I have sent you something special:

cookies photographs of the kids photographs of myself

photographs of your brother/sister and myself divorce papers

6

<>all of the above

7

Your son is ____

Missing you
Taking your car out at night
Drinking your <insert alcoholic beverage>
In a Juvenile Detention Centre
On hard drugs
Your daughter is ____

Thinking of you
Shoplifting
Having unprotected sex - with Bikers in your house for money
Pregnant
Also on hard drugs
Joining a religious cult
You should _____

Be proud of them
Stay overseas
Come home with the shotgun