As requested by Cinnamon Girl in this thread, I’m putting together the follow up letter to the ‘Lazy Army Husband’s Form Letter (Home)’.
This letter will be from home.
Here’s what I have so far (most of the jokes contributed by Cinnamon Girl):
<>Child of my loins, that I/your mother labored _____ hours to birth
I’m writing this letter to tell you:
<>I miss you
<>I’m leaving you for the mailman
<>you owe me money
<>The sink is stopped up again
<>I’ve thrown out your Barcalounger
<>I ran over your dog/cat.
The _____ are great, but the dog/cat:
<>is listless and sleeps all day and all night in your empty Barcalounger
<>had 12 puppies/kittens
<>was put down due to rabies
<>has taken to peeing in your shoes (he misses you so)
<>is squashed beyond all recognition
I got a letter from the IRS yesterday. They:
<>are auditing us
<>are giving us a big fat refund check
<>are still wondering why we haven’t filed our taxes for the past two years. (I know you’ve been busy and all)
<>have determined our ‘married filing jointly’ status is bogus since the Federal government doesn’t recognize civil unions.
Thanks to the paychecks you’ve had deposited directly to our joint account:
<>I got a boob job/penis enlargement
<>the kids have been enrolled in expensive private schools
<>I’m headed to Bermuda with the mailman
<>I bought you a big screen TV (and I’ve got my eye on a leather Barcalounger with built-in fridge and massage functions.)
While you’re gone, I spend my days:
<>pining away, counting the hours until you return
<>watching the grass grow
<>enjoying all the extra time I have now that I don’t have to cook for you or do your laundry
<>tanning for that trip to Bermuda
<>searching for a new dog/cat
<>playing Halo on your X-box
These jokes take up 1/2 a page, so I have plenty of room for more. So, my amazingly funny doper buddies, show me whatcha got!