Changing your mind sucks.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Okay. So - for the first roughly 35 years of my life, I don’t want kids.

Then, I decide, hey, one would be very nice. I talk to Oni no Husband about it, and he’s OK with the idea. So, for the next two years, we don’t use BC. Nothing happens.

Nothing happens. I am now 38.

So we get more agressive, buy a copy of Taking Charge Of Your Fertility, start taking temperatures, charting, monitoring cervical fluids, making sure to have sex during my fertile times, etc etc etc.

Nothing happens. I know that I’m ovulating (yay!) but nothing works. Well, the first month we tried that, I had a very early miscarriage (like, 2 weeks). Since then - nothing.

So we go to the doctor. Doc says that Oni no Husband’s swimmers are fine. He puts me on Clomid in preparation to do an IUI.

First Clomid month, we wind up travelling (due to a death in the family) over my fertile time, so no IUI. Also, while on the trip Oni no Husband and I have one of our infrequent fights, so no romance either.

Second Clomid month, on the day of the IUI a comedy of errors happens and the IUI doesn’t get done.

This is third Clomid month. Today is the day I would go in for IUI - and once again, it’s not happening. Oni no Husband and I had a Big Talk and he just doesn’t feel right about doing the IUI. And his assistance is pretty necessary. (He’s on board with the whole baby thing, though less enthusiastic about it than I am. Just not with this part.)

Furthermore, monetary issues rule out IVF (our insurance only covers IUI) and adoption.

sigh

I’m trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself. I’m trying really hard not to get angry at Oni no Husband for not being willing to wack off in a cup once a month. I’m trying really hard not to think about how unlikely it is that I’m going to get to be a mom. I’ve been trying really hard not to think of every period as a failure.

At the moment, I’m not doing so well at any of that.

2

sorry you are having difficult time.

do an adoption. you get to love, nurture and provide a good life for a human being. all the important parenting stuff just not of your own genetic material. you could provide a good loving life to an already existing child.

3

Just for you, johnpost.

I’m sorry, Oni. I have one friend whose husband pretty much wouldn’t do that part unless she accompanied him into the wankatorium, but with her assistance, he managed to produce. She’s pregnant with her second now (after a total of 5 IVF cycles, but hopefully all that won’t be necessary for you).

4

Adoption is definitely something worthwhile to think about. Just be aware – it may not be any cheaper or less stressful than IVF.

5

to the OP. the best thing I would suggest is for you to find a local infertility support group. That’s what my wife and I did when we were going through similar issues.

6

Thank you. Again, adoption is not an option due to cost reasons. I would be all for it otherwise.

7

Same thing happened to us. Went the adoption route. Twice. Best thing we ever did. The fertility doctor later confided it was the best choice for most of his patients, but they wouldn’t hear it. I talked to many would-be moms in the waiting room who told me if they couldn’t have their “own”, they would just give up. I figured they didn’t want a child, they wanted themselves. These same people will probably get a pet instead and shower it with all the love and devotion that parents give their offspring, but they can’t see showering it on a non-genetically-related infant?

At our doctor’s office, they have a room where both partners can go if assistance is needed in obtaining the sperm. Have you tried accompanying him? (My husband once walked in on a couple who had fogotten to lock the door.) Also, you can use a female condom to collect the sample. If spouse won’t/can’t do the cup, are you willing to use a donor?

8

It may be less than you think. We went independent, and the lawyer’s fees were the only major expense. And even they weren’t as bad as we expected. Most of what we needed, we got through his legal secretary to hold down costs. If you go through an agency, you’ll pay a fortune. It was much less stress than the whole fertility treatment morass.

There’s every reason to think you guys will be successful in your medical attempts. Just get that sperm sample.

9

Our doctor (Kaiser HMO) doesn’t have a special room for that - if you need to produce a sample onsite, it’s use a restroom and BYOP. Fortunately we’re close enough to the doctor that we can drive it there - but yeah. The problem is with Oni no Husband having to go from zero to 1000 on demand at a given day, time, and timeframe. When I’m in the room with him, even if I’m being damn alluring, it just makes him feel more pressured and not able to get into it. Like the difference between taking a test, and taking a test with someone literally watching over your shoulder to make sure that you actually finish it.

sigh

10

I wish I could stop wanting this.

11

I’m in a pretty similar place that you are, Oni. I decided to work with a counselor for a little bit to work through my feelings about the situation (which you might also want to do).

One thing she recommended that I’d like to pass along is… don’t put pressure on yourself to decide right now what the right course of action is. Any opportunities that are available today will be available in two or three months. Sometimes we dive headlong into action before we’re really ready to, because action feels better than inaction. Maybe turn the action inward and sort out your feelings and intentions so that when you DO decide the right course of action for you, you can commit to it with a clear head and heart.

I even took a break from researching my options, and it really helped me. Looking at the financial and legal legwork of adoption and IVF while my emotions were in turmoil just made it feel like there was no good option for me. Allowing myself a little time and distance has helped me re-approach those ideas without focusing on the burdens of each one.

And really, it’s understandable that you’d need to work through some anger and disappointment at your husband’s role in this. It’s the kind of thing that can fester if not addressed, so please don’t let it rot. I could be totally off the mark, but it seems like you’re trying to reassign the blame on yourself for wanting this because you don’t want to assign blame to your husband. Neither is a healthy option.

Best wishes.

12

Anecdotes:

Our first child was conceived on the first shot. We were 25/26 years old. Wow, that was a piece of cake, we thought!

We decided to have another child 2 years later, except, this time, it wasn’t so easy. We started to really become disconcerted after the first year of trying. We never went to see any specialists, and my wife and I became pretty good at figuring her ovulation times and all that. Sometimes you just have to have patience and perseverance. She became pregnant a year and a half later, and our son was born just over 4 years apart from our first.

Also, my wife’s cousin was in the same boat you were. They tried all the methods you described above (if not more) and were finally considering adoption, when, after over four years of trying very hard, it just happened; after they had given up, all expectations lost. And now, a couple years later, she’s pregnant with her second, due in another month.

Hang in there. It’s not nearly too late for you, and you never know what’s around that corner. Truly.

13

At the risk of being crude, does he have to get **himself **off? I.e., could you lend a more, ah, *literal *helping hand?

14

Sorry to hear you are going through this. Infertility is really rough. I second the suggestion to find a support group. When dh and I were going through infertility treatment, I found one and it was a lifesaver.

As to the clomid with IUI, as an alternative you could just do the clomid with intercourse. Have you had all of the infertility testing done? FSH, clomid challenge test, progesterone, HSG, etc…

I won’t say “just relax”, because I think that is the cruelest thing you can say to someone trying to get pregnant. But do try to be good to yourself. Good luck!

15

Taking Charge Of Your Fertility didn’t work for us, either – KidNito was what you might call a “radar-assisted collision.” Not that I’m complaining. Seriously, I know that book has its fans but I’m unconvinced that it’s the last word on when you’re fertile and when you’re not. Some women are just better at concealed estrus than others.

You know you’re capable of conceiving. You’re at an age where you’re likely to miscarry, which sucks, but it also means that a miscarriage doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t eventually carry one to term. My mother was 41 when my youngest sister was born, but she had several miscarriages after her mid-30s. Is it possible to put the whole thing out of your mind, resume a normal sex life, and see what happens?

I hope things work out for you.

16

I feel for you, but look at two things.

  1. Do you really want kids? If so how bad? IVF runs about $10,000 a month but there are places that will refund a portion if it doesn’t work and you buy the next month. This seems outrageous to me but if it is something you want, a second weekend job will get you the money in a year to at least try it.

Of course this assumes you are a good candidate for IVF.

The real issue for you seems to be, you got it into your head that part of the infertility problem is that you waited too long and if you hadn’t waited till you were 38 you wouldn’t be in the situation you are now.

Well there’s no way you’ll ever know that for sure. You can’t change what you did.

Life is full of “what ifs” and you never know. Let’s take a wild example, what if Hitler’s mother had waited and became infertile? Now I’m not saying you’re going to give birth to someone evil as Hitler, but it’s just an extreme example

One thing you have to remember is no matter how bad you are, there are always people a LOT worse off. That’s called perspective. The problem with persepective is that it doesn’t solve anything. You still have your problem. But perspective helps us COPE with the situtation you’re in.

  1. My advice to you this, there are lots of programs, which allow you to be mentors to children. These “big brother/big sister” type programs are in sore need of help. I would check into this.

You may be afraid to adopt, because of the “What ifs.” What if I can’t get a baby, what if I get pregnant after I adopt and I can’t afford two kids, what if I find I don’t really want kids after I get one…"

A big brother/sister type mentor program will allow you to help other kids, while still giving you enough time to work a second job to get money for IVF. It will give you the coping skills for when you have your own kids. It will allow you to take a child that may get into trouble and help him before he screws up society. And the list goes on.

The bottom line is you can sit around and feel bad or you can actually DO something about it.

Really, while you may be powerless to get the child you want, you’re NOT powerless to do something about it.

17

First of all, as someone who has gone through IVF, I just wanted to say that I can understand a little of what you are going through - the emotional effects are far harder to deal with than any of the actual treatment. {{{Hugs}}}

What was most important for me was that Boy From Mars and I were on the same page about all aspects of the treatment (we needed ICSI due to low sperm count). He initially took this really badly, and refused to consider the IVF because in his head not being able to get me prgnant the natural way was somehow a failing (not that I ever considered it that). Lots and lots of long talks later about all aspects of the treatment, having kids, not having kids… and we are now counting down the last 2-3 weeks before Peanut arrives.

Make sure you understand how is feeling, and see whether this is really his dream as well. If it is, you will find a way.

Are there other options your med crew will allow? For example, I have heard of semen being collected in a special condom for use in transfers - so the situation is more normalised, making the mental aspects easier for him. (He’s not unusual - despite all my injections etc, he still secretly considers the ‘worst’ bit of the treatment to be wanking into a cup!)

18

and oddly enough a fair number of people end up pregnant right after they adopt, go figure =)

19

Have you considered doing an adoption from foster care? They are subsidized by government funding and I am pretty sure are low-to-no cost. (I know there are other people on this board who know more about this than I do – I am friends with two couples who have done this (and their kids are awesome), but have no direct experience.)

The downside is that the parental rights are sometimes a bit murky. One of the couples I know that is doing this is having a hard time right now where the mother really wants the kid back – it is clear she is a completely unfit parent, so my friends will almost certainly get the baby in the long run, but it’s a lot of trouble for them in the meantime.

20

One guy I know said the lab wouldn’t accept his sample. It had too much saliva in it.

When I saw this thread’s title, I thought, “What is a mind suck, and how would you change one?”