The psychiatrist can definitely talk to you about reporting it. In fact, he or she will probably have to report it (in my state, at least).
One bit of advice, coming from someone that was abused, please tell your daughter how brave she was for telling and how she saved other kids from getting hurt. Keep telling her that. Make her a hero, not a victim. make sure she knows that Tommy was sick, and she did nothing to cause it, and that now maybe he can get the help he needs to make him better.
I can’t think of anything else. I just know I always sort of blamed myself. and would love to keep your daughter from the same
I’m so sorry that your poor daughter had to go through this, and you have my sympathy, for what its worth…
I think that the very fact that you listened to her, took her seriously and BELIEVED her, that you have helped immeasurably with any effects this may have on her, and also that the neighbour has acted so responsibly and has also come to apologise to her.
Truly, even with the apology and the prompt and responsible reaction from Tommy’s parents, I can see that it’s mind-boggling to think about the effect this will have on your relationships. However, when the dust has settled somewhat, I do think that the neighbours need to be thanked for their reaction - it is wonderful that they are not side stepping this issue or denying it, or protecting their boy, and they too must be absolutely destraught right now.
We all, I am sure, agonize about what would happen if our children were molested, but how often do you imagine that it is YOUR beloved child that might be the molester??
As for your daughter, I think the idea of a whole set of fresh underwear is wonderful, and also if at all possible, a few days of cheerful boring normality in which she is allowed to talk about this if she wants, and is allowed to let it go if she wants. That is not to say counselling is not a good idea, but it might be better if the incident was reduced in importance in her mind so it doesn’t become What Happened The Summer I Was Four, but more like “Once, that horrible neighbour kid did a really yukky thing to me, but my Mum and Dad soon sorted him out.”
Wishing you peace.
I am a victim of early childhood abuse and I’d like to say thanks for treating your daughter in the best possible way. It’s a good thing your neighbours were not willing to push this under the carpet and it’s a good thing the boy confessed. He seems to have wanted to be caught which makes me feel it’s not his first foray into this kind of behaviour and also that he may have been molested himself.
Another person who was molested checking in.
I think this is absolutely right. It’s wonderful that you are going to go forward with therapy and all that—I think it’s very important—but maybe let therapy be where she sorts that out and home be where things are normal but she can talk about this if** she **wants to. You will also need to figure out how to deal with your son’s feelings in a way that doesn’t leave your daughter feeling like it is her fault that their friendship was broken up.
Hinestly, you sound like a wonderful family. The fact that your daughter was able to articulate how it made her feel proves how safe and loved she feels.
Man, I need to go kiss my kids.
Another victim checking in. My situation differs so vastly from your daughter’s, that all I can do is envy her for having such terrific parents. My mom refused to believe me for 11 years until I finally threatened “to rip out his heart in such a manner as to make sure he saw it beat in my hand before his eyes closed”.
I’ve never had therapy (hell, mom never sent me to a dentist either). I had some anger issues for a few years. But I am currently in what could be described as a very healthy marriage, and enjoying all the things that go with that. A fortunate series of relationships has led me to this.
Once your son finds out, I think a session or ten with the therapist will help him. Your daughter, being as young as she is, will bounce back well, especially because you handled it magnificently. Your son, however, will wonder how this could have happened while he “should have been protecting her” (yes, I know it’s not his job, but he won’t see that this is not something he failed to do correctly).
I don’t know how you remained calm enough to handle this so incredibly well with her. I know you are seething inside, but you appear to be holding it all together really well.
Good luck to you and your family.
Sounds like you are handling this well and the probem was found out early. Consider that “Tommy” may have learned this behaviour from somewhere else. Do embark and a plan to educate and protect your daughter and son. There are good books available, good websites online, and organizations who teach safety to groups such as schools and churches.
I play ‘the safety game’ with my kids which is a hodgepodge of stuff I have gathered over the years. The goal is to be fun and not scary but also educational and empowering. Do gather safety information and share it with your kids.
Some themes: All of the area covered by a bathing suit is private area for everyone. I also told my kids that if anyone ever offered to pay them to keep a secret, I’d double the money for them to tell! Also, it IS ok for kids to tell grownups “no”.
I think you’re handling everything very well. However, going forward, I think you need to keep contact between you and Tommy’s parents to a minimum. Things are going to get very ugly (at least for him) and his parents are going to get very protective, as parents do. You don’t want them coming over and trying to get your daughter to change her story.
Do not treat her like a victim. I mean, yes, she was touched, but in the grand scheme of things, she’s not scarred for life. Yes, she was scared, but she knew it was wrong and she was brave enough to tell you. Now, let her know that this was a Bad Thing, but the Bad Thing is not going to rule her life. It happened, it shouldn’t have, but there are lots more Good Things to happen and she must allow herself to enjoy them.
In short, encourage her to let this go and learn to embrace the wonderful things still to come. You don’t want her to wallow in it. That will only hold her back.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that your son may be involved with the situation with your daughter. I meant that your son may have his own situation going on – either experimenting along with this boy, or, more horribly, if this boy is being abused himself, your son may also have been abused. It just raises red flags that your son is his best friend.
I also think you’re handling this well, and hope that it is truly a minor issue that doesn’t cause any further problems.
Oh dear oh dear oh dear…
When I was not that much older than your daughter, an older boy from down the street and I were playing in my Sesame Street playhouse out in the backyard. It had a green plastic roof that gave a green tint to everything inside, especially on sunny days around midday. We were discussing the color, and he told me to pull down my pants to see if my underwear looked green. Seemed like a good idea to me! None of the other things we were looking at were white. And yes, they did look green. Then he told me to pull down my underwear to see if the roof made it look green under there…
:dubious:
I remember my thoughts being along the lines of, “Of COURSE it’s going to be green! Is he stupid? … … You know, that’s kind of a weird thing to ask…”
I don’t quite recall how things proceeded from there, (I’m not sure if he decided to display anything… uh… green-looking… Might have, can’t remember…) but I do remember leaving the playhouse and eventually telling my mom about how Steven did this weird dumb thing. She, of course, took it quite seriously, and I think he ended up getting counseling or something. But the most upsetting part for me was that my neat fun playhouse was brought inside and put in the basement… AND I wasn’t allowed to go over and play at his house, even with his little sister, who was nice. Horrors!
Fifteen years later, it’s just a funny story to me. Granted, it only happened once, he didn’t touch me, and he was only a couple of years older… but I thought you might appreciate any “a similar thing happened and it all turned out ok” stories.
Addendum: Haha, I just googled him! He’s a computer science grad student now. (And no, he’s not listed on his state’s sex offender registry, I checked. 
)
I think I’ll go look up other people from elementary school…
Thank you all for your support and suggestions. My wife is taking her underwear shopping and we are trying to normalize everything for her. We don’t bring the subject up but will talk with her if she mentions it.
We took her to the hospital (the pediatrician said it would be best because they are experienced with this) and, fortunately, there had been no penetration. DCFS has been out to talk with us and they said we are not under investigation, which means our son was not involved. Tommy even told them that our son knew nothing about this.
We have to take our daughter for a meeting with a forensic interviewer/child psychiatrist. It’s supposed to be a couple hours of coloring and play while they try to get answers from her in lieu of our daughter having to testify.
Our pediatrician said that we have to file a police report since we were taking our daughter to the hospital (better for us to do it than for the cops to drop by). The sex crimes detective was a bitter 20 year veteran (his opinion was, quote, “Once a pedophile, always a pedophile.”) who said that since Tommy had admitted it to his parents and DCFS that the proceedings would be fast and that he would be appearing before the judge. He will have to register as a sex offender every year for the next 10 years. Because he is only 14 his name will not appear on the online registry but when he turns 18 it will. The only people who will know will be the families involved, the police and the school district. I’m concerned that, because our district is so small, K-8 all ride the same bus so he would be on there with a bunch of 6 year olds, including my daughter.
We found out that last year he had touched a 10 year old girl, it was considered “mutual exploration” so he only got grounded for a month. But after he touched my daughter he told her she couldn’t tell anyone or he’d get in trouble again just like last summer. Thank God I must be raising her right enough to be able to trust us and tell us. I want to spread the word that he is a threat. But I know I can’t because he is a minor and it would “infringe on his privacy and civil rights” (heard that from a lawyer). Well, guess what? I’ve already told some other neighborhood friends. I mean, that’s who you turn to when things are bad. I can’t stop them from talking. And when we tell our son, I can’t stop him from talking at school. If the kid is ostracized, that’s too flippin’ bad.
My wife just called to say that the detective needed her to bring my daughter in for an official interview. Apparently my daughter had no problems, talked about it with the policewoman and was fine. She got on the phone with me and said, “Daddy, it was really neat and we colored and they gave me a toy bird and a horse blanket and I talked with this nice lady and they showed me around and do you want to talk with my toy bird?” (I don’t think she took a breath through that whole sentence). I had to try hard to not cry while talking with her. Kids should visit the police station with a school field trip, not to issue a statement.
I’ll let you know what happens next but, again, thank you for your kind words and thoughts. To all of you survivors, I hope only the best for you. You have strength beyond measure.
Sounds like things are being handled well, and that’s all good. I’m afraid I’m with you - if none of the neighhbors want their kids around Tommy…well, he is old enough to know what he was doing was wrong. Tough luck for him. You should be very proud of your little girl, and of yourselves for raising her to know to come to you when something is wrong!
I hope this all fades from her mind soon, and is eventually not even a memory.
Your OP brought tears to my eyes. It sounds like you are handling it wonderfully and your daughter is lucky to have parents like you. You’re doing all the right things.
I totally feel for your daughter and hope she soon forgets all of this.
Is Tommy getting some sort of therapy? Admittedly, I don’t know all that much about child molestation not having a child myself and the topic horrifies me. But I would think that with him only being 14 years old, there’s a chance to turn him around. I could be wrong as I’m not an expert. While I concur that local parents need to know about this, ostracizing Tommy and making him a targe of ridicule in school does not seem to me to be the best way to help this kid, who obviously needs some serious help. I think that would inhibit any chance he has of recovery and leading a normal life. And again, as I’m not an expert, I could be way off base. He just seems a bit young to give up on.
It sounds like you’ve raised a very strong little girl. I hope she heals quickly.
Wow. What a situation.
It’s wonderful that your daughter was able to tell you what had happened - especially before anything more occurred (we have a friend whose daughter, at a similar age, didn’t say anything; it was ultimately discovered - not “soon enough” - through other means). And it sounds like your neighbors came forward to the authorities themselves, which - though a really tough thing for them to do - made things far less traumatic on you and on them, than if you’d had to initiate contact with the authorities yourselves.
Second/third/fourth telling your daughter how brave she is, how smart she is, and how proud of her you are, that she came to you with what happened!!
I feel for your neighbors as well. Their world has been rocked pretty horribly. I hope they are able to find their son the help he needs. No clue what the stats are on someone caught in this situation, as far as being able to “cure” or at least control the urges - but at least with it being public, your daughter and other children will be safer.