I think, if you haven’t already checked it out, you should go to a few Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. I spent some time there at one point in my life & it really helped me sort out some confused feelings. I think it could help you deal with this. Very supportive environment (in my experience).
After my mother died, I found out my blood type did not match hers or my supposed father. DNA testing proved he was not my biological father.
In retrospect, that exlains so much of my parent’s attitude towards me–my mother’s hatred and my father’s treating me like I didn’t exist.
I suspect I was a product of rape. But I’ll never know who, where, when, what, how or why?
I guess it comes down to whether you trust my judgment on this or not. I won’t take it personally if you don’t.
Personally, it strikes me as a pretty probable scenario. My Dad has done some crazy shit while drunk, including punch out a rear car window while I was in the back seat and walk up three flights of outdoor stairs on a pair of stilts. (He felt himself to be invulnerable at times. I have a very strong suspicion that he was bipolar and that the alcohol enhanced the mania, but I’m not a doctor.) He hung out with sleazy guys who probably would have encouraged the occasional date rape. As phouka points out, maybe it doesn’t even matter if it’s true or not. It doesn’t really add or subtract anything from my conceptualization of my father.
[QUOTE=Drain Bead]
Some things shouldn’t be told to children, regardless of whether or not they are adults now. This is one of them. I think it’s a manifestation of your mother’s mental illness that she even told you in the first place. Do you think she’s bothered by your relationship with your father and is trying to sabotage it?
[/QUOTE]
That telling me was a manifestation of her mental illness is most likely true. She told me during a rather emotionally intense conversation about the past. I don’t think it was anything premeditated on her part.
She told me she didn’t want me to hold it against him and emphasized how much regret he had. She’s never indicated a grudge against him before. She seems generally happy that I have a relationship with him now, and has tried to talk me down when I’ve been frustrated with him. So I’m not convinced this is part of some revenge plot.
Yup.
I think if he had made you feel cherished and loved all your life you would not be as strongly affected by this now. Judge your relationship with your Father by the interactions you have had with him, not by the way it began. Without alcohol and drugs, there would be a LOT fewer people in the world. The only thing it should change is your willingness to leave another woman/girl alone with him. I’m betting you were already aware of the need for safety in numbers around him.
My sense is that the real pain is the nudge it gives to your clarity about the relationship with your Mom. The gut reaction is to cut her a bit more of a break than you would otherwise. And OK, to the extent that you may have blamed her for getting into the situation in the first place, that may be appropriate.
It does not mean that you need to cut your Mom a break for any pain that she inflicted upon you. She made choices about how to handle what happened to her. She made the choice to marry her rapist ferchrissakes. Whatever societal pressure she may have been under, women have experienced it for eons, and may of them manage to be good to their children while they walk through it. Others manage enough introspection to say “I can’t handle this, let me find someone who can give a better life to this child.”
So my advice is the same with her: Judge your relationship with your Mother by the interactions you have had with her, not by the way it began.
You already knew everything you now know about your parents - you just learned about one more way in which their various weaknesses interacted.
Oh, and the whole guilt thing? You need to drop that. As a Mom I can tell you that I am fully cognizant of the requirement to earn my Daughter’s love. It is not a prize to be awarded based upon some genetic criteria. I either earn it or I lose it. Don’t confuse the yearning for a Good Father with yearning/love for the specific man who let you down and hurt you.
I’m just wondering how that conversation went myself.
“Your boyfriend slipped you a mickey.”
“Huh? I don’t know what that means…”
“OK, bye.” WTF?
In the name of all that’s good in this world I do heartily wish these words had been available to me five or ten years ago. Thank you, phouka. Thank you.
Olives, I wish I knew what to say to you. Then again, you seem to have your shit figured out better than I do, so, what do you need my advice for? 
WTF is a great way to characterize any situation involving my uncle. Sometimes, when I’m in his presence, I have to pinch myself to make sure this is really happening.
[QUOTE=TruCelt]
My sense is that the real pain is the nudge it gives to your clarity about the relationship with your Mom. The gut reaction is to cut her a bit more of a break than you would otherwise.
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It definitely has made me rethink my past with my Mom. I’ve always felt her pain, and that’s just one more injustice she suffered that hurts me too. When she hurts, I hurt. I just really love my Mom.
As far as what she did to me, I hold her responsible for that, but I also don’t hold a grudge. I’ve dealt with a lot of that trauma and we’ve talked about it. She knows it was abuse, and has apologized - not in a lip service way but in a way of genuine regret. I know that can’t erase what happened, but it does help me move forward with her.