Choose My Own Adventure

Of Teeth and Hair and Gutters

Friday was a big-ish day. (Big-ish is now a word. So there.) I had a dentist appointment (Look! No cavities!) so that meant I had to get the boys to Mom’s so I could go to the dentist. (Because when you have a dentist appointment, they hate it when you go to the barber shop. I don’t know why, it’s just that way.) So I drop the boys at Mom’s and went to the dentist. (It seemed like the right thing to do.)

Then I had to go collect Katcha from Mom’s but Soupo wanted to stay and Mom said “OK” so I left him. (We went and picked him back up after dinner. Don’t worry.) Katcha needed a nap and I needed lunch. But I had a tummy ache from getting my teeth cleaned. (I think I swallowed some of the tooth polish they use. Plus I got X-rays. Not that X-rays give me a tummy ache, they might do it to you, but not me. I just wanted to say I got my head irradiated for dental health.) So I didn’t have much lunch. But Katcha slept pretty well.

After his nap, I was supposed to meet the Little Woman at the Pediatrician’s for Katcha’s two-year check-up. (He’s 38 inches tall and 36 pounds. That’s almost the size of a four year old. Did I mention he’s two?) But I didn’t have to. She got home early and then she took Katcha to the Pediatrician. I would have, but since he wasn’t getting any shots, I didn’t have to hold him, so I didn’t go. Instead I got my hair cut.

Sparkley teeth and well-coiffed hair. I was looking good. TV good. Soap opera star good. Women wanted me.

Do you know what they wanted me for? At the time, neither did I. Come Saturday morning I found out.

Cleaning the gutters. And cutting the grass. And I had to fix the step on the side of the house.

But I had sparkley teeth and well-coiffed hair while I was doing it.
Kitchen Matches

For every job, there is the proper tool. For certain fire-starting tasks the proper tool is the “strike anywhere” kitchen match. As it turns out, I was running out of “strike anywhere” kitchen matches. I needed more.

Why, I’ll just hie myself down to the local mercantile and purchase a passell of them. Ha ha! No.

Oh, you can get the “strike on the box” “safety” matches just about anywhere. Grocery stores have 'em. You can get them at gas stations. Pretty much, if you want “safety” matches you turn around three times and fall down, when you get back up you drive to the store and buy them. (I don’t know why you’d want to turn around and fall down before you go to the store, but I don’t question your Life Choices. “Do what you want”, that’s my motto.)

But what if you don’t want wussy “safety” matches? What if you like to live on the edge and get the dangerous “strike anywhere” matches? Then you’re screwed, that’s what. You think They want you to have a match you can just strike anywhere? I mean really, anywhere? No, no, no.

Unless you’re clever and resourceful. (It doesn’t hurt to have sparkley teeth and be well-coifed.)

Now it used to be, you could go to the store, and right next to the “safety” kitchen matches, they had Ohio Blue Tip Matches. (If this was all multi-media, this is where a light would light up “Ohio Blue Tip Matches” and the angels would sing “ah-ahhhhh!”.) But can you do that now? (Go up two paragraphs and check.) You can’t even get Ohio Blue Tips anymore. They don’t make them. The bastards. (It’s not even a parenthetical aside, that’s how cheesed I am.) After 100 years of match goodness, poof! no more Ohio Blue Tips for you! (Or me as the case may be.)

Now, I could just get one of those long nosed lighter thingies. But I don’t wanna. So I do a web search. As it turns out the Diamond company bought out Ohio Blue Tips. So maybe, they still make them? Right? Nope. But they do have their own kind of “strike anywhere” match. Where can you get them? They ain’t sayin’. Unless you e-mail them. So I did.

They sent me back a lovely e-mail listing five different hardware stores that carry their “strike anywhere” match. Only it wasn’t five specific hardware stores. It was five different chains of hardware stores. (Real hardware stores too, not “Home Improvement Warehouses”.) So I had to break out the Yellow Pages. After a couple of calls (yeah, it only took two) I knew where I could get my “strike anywhere” matches. So I went and bought them.

They aren’t Ohio Blue Tips though. Like I said, they don’t make them anymore. They were just the Diamond brand. The less aesthetically pleasing red match. Oh well.
My Toe

Saturday afternoon I stubbed my little piggy toe on my right foot. It still hurts a little.

P.S. You know the best thing about “strike anywhere” matches? You can take a piece of wood and drill little holes in it, not too deep. Then you stick the match in it, lighting side up. Then you take your hatchet and chop at the match. If you do it right you can light the match without cutting it in half. It’s more fun than it sounds.

Aww, poor bubbie, comere and let me kiss that booboo. Want an icee? yeah? ok here, now go and play.

mmmmmmmmmmm, nothing gets me hotter than a well-coifed man with sparkley teeth cleaning gutters. Be still, my heart!!


But Rue, you skipped Sunday - how was Mother’s Day in the DeDay household? Did Soupo and Katcha whip up a deluxe breakfast tray for their mommy? Did they make her a present with construction paper and glitter?

I’m moving, so I lugged all the old furniture onto a big pile, and set it on fire with my brazing torch.

Flame resistant doesn’t mean what you think it means. These old couches went up like up they were soaked in kerosene.

I like strike anywhere matches because you can light them on your zipper.

I once tried that trick where you strike a light anywhere match on your fingernail, but a piece broke off an got lodged under my fingernail.

Now I have my brazing torch and that cool flint metal striker thing you first saw in chemistry class.

I like that for starting fires. You can set water on fire with one of those.

I was also burning some old boxes with magazines in it, and as one of the boxes burned away I saw the first edition complete The Stars My Destination graphic novel that my brother had brought from a collector for my birthday. It had been missing for years, and I guess my wife just put it in a box with all her old Cosmos.

It was one of those fires where your eyebrows melt when you get within ten yards of it, so all I could do was watch it burn.

It kinda made me sad.
Then I took a whole bunch of stuff to the dump. I had old batteries and paint cans, and you’re not supposed to bring those, so I hid them at the bottom of the truck.

When I checked in I asked them if they could take an old broken down horse trailer, and they said “no.”

I got up to the drop off point and started unloading, trying to get to the paint cans and batteries quickly while I had it to myself.

Right when I get there this truck pulls up. It’s a guy from the dump. He’s asking about the horse trailer.

I’m unloading real slow as I’m talking to him, trying to keep my contraband, environmentally unsound garbage hidded.

He’s a nice guy and he leaps up into the truck to give me a hand, and then without a word he helps me throw all the paint cans and batteries away.

He took the trailer.

I also gave away a washing machine. They look heavy, but they’re a lot heavier than they look.

Then I gave away a bed, and I broke a window trying to get the box spring around a landing.

I didn’t go to the dentist, and I didn’t take a shower all weekend, so I don’t think my hair was looking good.

However I did run a personal best 10 miles on my broken terrain course on Saturday. Then I had chinese food and got a stomach ache, so we had that in common.

I’m really tired right now.

I knew you two were related.

Is that just an Ohio thing?


We did Mother’s Day on Saturday, Snickers. That way it was a surprise. I made breakfast (Microwave Apple Cobbler, it’s a recipe, not just an apple cobbler you buy and stick in the microwave, and it was good.) but we ate it at the table. (We have a waterbed, those aren’t very good for breakfasting in.)

I also made lunch, but I forget what we had.

And you know what? I also made dinner. (Sorta like quesadillas, but not quite.) I was very domestic.

Then there was the big surprise. The boys gave the Little Woman her presents. It was on Saturday (like I said) so that was the biggest surprise (I said that too, but I like to re-cap things in case someone gets in late. It’s a service I provide.) Then we had cake.

Soupo and I made the cake. From box, but with love. Instead of making one big cake, we made two small ones. Then we froze one of cake enjoyment later. We also used frosting out of a tub, but to make it special, I stirred in food coloring so it was pink. And if that wasn’t special enough, I ran a fork around and around the cake so there were concentric circles all around it. It was quite festive. Too bad we didn’t have a lazt susan. Then we could spin the cake on it and hypnotize the boys.

I was going to make a basket pattern in the icing with the fork, but that was too hard. I ain’t no Martha Stewart you know.

And no windows were broken. So I was ahead.

Did anyone else notice that mia told me to go play right after I made it abundantly clear I just got a bunch of matches? Watta woman.

Well, obviously, what with the snazzy new haircut and all…