Of Teeth and Hair and Gutters
Friday was a big-ish day. (Big-ish is now a word. So there.) I had a dentist appointment (Look! No cavities!) so that meant I had to get the boys to Mom’s so I could go to the dentist. (Because when you have a dentist appointment, they hate it when you go to the barber shop. I don’t know why, it’s just that way.) So I drop the boys at Mom’s and went to the dentist. (It seemed like the right thing to do.)
Then I had to go collect Katcha from Mom’s but Soupo wanted to stay and Mom said “OK” so I left him. (We went and picked him back up after dinner. Don’t worry.) Katcha needed a nap and I needed lunch. But I had a tummy ache from getting my teeth cleaned. (I think I swallowed some of the tooth polish they use. Plus I got X-rays. Not that X-rays give me a tummy ache, they might do it to you, but not me. I just wanted to say I got my head irradiated for dental health.) So I didn’t have much lunch. But Katcha slept pretty well.
After his nap, I was supposed to meet the Little Woman at the Pediatrician’s for Katcha’s two-year check-up. (He’s 38 inches tall and 36 pounds. That’s almost the size of a four year old. Did I mention he’s two?) But I didn’t have to. She got home early and then she took Katcha to the Pediatrician. I would have, but since he wasn’t getting any shots, I didn’t have to hold him, so I didn’t go. Instead I got my hair cut.
Sparkley teeth and well-coiffed hair. I was looking good. TV good. Soap opera star good. Women wanted me.
Do you know what they wanted me for? At the time, neither did I. Come Saturday morning I found out.
Cleaning the gutters. And cutting the grass. And I had to fix the step on the side of the house.
But I had sparkley teeth and well-coiffed hair while I was doing it.
For every job, there is the proper tool. For certain fire-starting tasks the proper tool is the “strike anywhere” kitchen match. As it turns out, I was running out of “strike anywhere” kitchen matches. I needed more.
Why, I’ll just hie myself down to the local mercantile and purchase a passell of them. Ha ha! No.
Oh, you can get the “strike on the box” “safety” matches just about anywhere. Grocery stores have 'em. You can get them at gas stations. Pretty much, if you want “safety” matches you turn around three times and fall down, when you get back up you drive to the store and buy them. (I don’t know why you’d want to turn around and fall down before you go to the store, but I don’t question your Life Choices. “Do what you want”, that’s my motto.)
But what if you don’t want wussy “safety” matches? What if you like to live on the edge and get the dangerous “strike anywhere” matches? Then you’re screwed, that’s what. You think They want you to have a match you can just strike anywhere? I mean really, anywhere? No, no, no.
Unless you’re clever and resourceful. (It doesn’t hurt to have sparkley teeth and be well-coifed.)
Now it used to be, you could go to the store, and right next to the “safety” kitchen matches, they had Ohio Blue Tip Matches. (If this was all multi-media, this is where a light would light up “Ohio Blue Tip Matches” and the angels would sing “ah-ahhhhh!”.) But can you do that now? (Go up two paragraphs and check.) You can’t even get Ohio Blue Tips anymore. They don’t make them. The bastards. (It’s not even a parenthetical aside, that’s how cheesed I am.) After 100 years of match goodness, poof! no more Ohio Blue Tips for you! (Or me as the case may be.)
Now, I could just get one of those long nosed lighter thingies. But I don’t wanna. So I do a web search. As it turns out the Diamond company bought out Ohio Blue Tips. So maybe, they still make them? Right? Nope. But they do have their own kind of “strike anywhere” match. Where can you get them? They ain’t sayin’. Unless you e-mail them. So I did.
They sent me back a lovely e-mail listing five different hardware stores that carry their “strike anywhere” match. Only it wasn’t five specific hardware stores. It was five different chains of hardware stores. (Real hardware stores too, not “Home Improvement Warehouses”.) So I had to break out the Yellow Pages. After a couple of calls (yeah, it only took two) I knew where I could get my “strike anywhere” matches. So I went and bought them.
They aren’t Ohio Blue Tips though. Like I said, they don’t make them anymore. They were just the Diamond brand. The less aesthetically pleasing red match. Oh well.
Saturday afternoon I stubbed my little piggy toe on my right foot. It still hurts a little.
P.S. You know the best thing about “strike anywhere” matches? You can take a piece of wood and drill little holes in it, not too deep. Then you stick the match in it, lighting side up. Then you take your hatchet and chop at the match. If you do it right you can light the match without cutting it in half. It’s more fun than it sounds.