WHYNOT: So, um, you’re Rupert Giles’s student, right?
BUFFY: I was. I’m an adult now, got a driver’s license and everything. How do you know Giles?
WHYNOT: I don’t, actually. I was hoping you could introduce us. Please? Pretty, pretty please?
BUFFY (thinking): Who is this slitch? I save her life at great personal risk and ruin a perfectly good pair of boots in the process, and my favorite sweater, and the first words out of her mouth are “Can you introduce me to your mentor and foster father?” What does she want with Giles? Does she want to fuck Giles? My god, she wants to fuck Giles. She just made me visualize Giles fucking. If she uses the word “stevedore” I am going to break all of her ribs. And what if she’s evil? I bet she’s evil. She looks so innocent and nice and sweet; it’s an obvious evil ploy. I better break both her legs and dislocate her shoulders just to be on the safe side.
BUFFY (aloud): Sure I can introduce you to Giles. Step over here first.
Twelve guys with guns means Wonder Woman for me. The best Buffy or Xena will do is be a bullet sponge for me and I’m unfamiliar with the fourth choice.
I will make absolutely no secret of the fact that I want to fuck Giles. Giles is fucking hot. And Buffy is old enough to appreciate that he needs a little lovin’ that is in no way whatsoever filial. Unless by filial you mean involving riding crops and saddles. I don’t judge.
My point, and I do have one, is that Buffy is impetuous and given to solving problems with violence. Not only does she tend to see fisticuffs as the first option; she tends not to realize that other options even exist. Much better to finagle an introduction to Willow. Admittedly she’s evil but she doesn’t see Giles as her replacement daddy, and having crushed on him once herself will understand the impulse.
The most important thing is to do everything possible to avoid using the word “stevedore” around Buffy. You know she eventually looked it up (by which I mean asked Will) and the term will have some unfortunate associations in her mind that may lead to her subconsciously looking for ways to provoke you into slapping her so she can have an excuse to beat you senseless.
Melinda May, without question - she’s sufficiently unflappable that even anger-enhancing Evil Alien Technology doesn’t faze her, she’s used to fighting human criminals/spec-ops sorts, and I believe that she’s the oldest non-magical character on the list; that’s important, because it means she’s good enough to keep herself alive even after years of interacting with people who would prefer that she stop being alive.
And, I expect that I’d find May’s no-nonsense affect reassuring during my rescue. That’s important, because I need to stay calm enough to follow instructions and move quickly on my way out, and I’m not a brave man.
All in all, I think Buffy is tougher, smarter, and the best the female warrior has to offer, but Wonder Woman gets unfair super powers and that awesome bullet-deflecting bracelet set.
Bullets are real. In this particular scenario, give me Wonder Woman.
Wonder Woman, obviously. Super powers and narrative continuity make it most likely that both I and my rescuer make it out alive. The rest of them are awesome and badass people, and I absolutely respect their abilities, but why put myself or anyone else in any more danger than we have to?
If it turns out she’s actually unavailable today (‘sorry, it’s the darnedest thing, but it turns out Batman was captured by aliens in Africa just now.’), Agent May would be my second choice. ‘Bad guys with guns holding hostages’ is basically what she does.
I’m with TheSeaOtter (and lots of other folks, I see): Send Wonder Woman. She’s been my hero for years. And, if she’s off rescuing Batman, Agent May would be just fine, thanks.
What? No food choices? I’ve been held hostage and threatened. I’m hungry, dammit!
Only one choice possessing superhuman strength, speed, and durability. The rest can kick ass pretty darn well, but Wonder Woman kicks ass, and has superpowers. Really, the only choice.
Y’see, with these kinds of scenarios, I always figure that you not only have to consider the capabilities of the hero you’d choose, but how thematically appropriate it would be for them to find their rescue target tragically dead.
I mean, a character from a grimdark setting, or one who often ends up Tragically Angsting over arriving Just A Minute Too Late To Help—well, that’s not a narrative I’m eager to risk inserting myself into.
Melinda May - the one I’ve actually seen go up against multiple guys with guns and come out the other side. Buffy doesn’t do humans, Xena is going to be useless against guns, and I don’t like Wonder Woman as played by Lynda Carter, not one little bit (based on the few clips I’ve seen - talk about your 70s cheese!). Now, the Rileah Vanderbilt Wonder Woman, on the other hand…
