Okay Esprix, I’m gonna try to answer your questions as best as I can.
First quote: "First of all, y’all are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off topic. " NO KIDDING! Maybe we should start another post on “General Christian Beliefs” or something.
Second quote: “Thank you for making my case for me. Sure, they went for a time without sex and waited until marriage. I’m happy for them. But you said it yourself - they did have sex. So why am I not allowed to? This is one of the many reasons I’m not Christian.”
Of course they had sex - HOLY sex that God can honor and bless. You and I are both allowed to have sex Esprix, in fact we are expressly ENCOURAGED to have sex BY GOD in the context of a husband and wife in marriage! What you’re really asking is “Why am I not allowed to have sex IN THE WAY I THINK IT SHOULD BE HAD?” (That was awful grammar but I couldn’t think of another way to say it). Please realize there are many HETEROsexual people who are UNMARRIED that are in the same boat as you. Or many MARRIED people who want to have sex with someone other than their mate. In all 3 cases, the individuals think they understand sex better than God does, and they want to do it “their way”.
I will say this … I admire you for being honest enough to note that choosing to live the lifestyle you live is not compatable with Christianity. One of the most dangerous deceptions around today is that you can sleep around before marriage, sleep with people of the same sex, sleep with someone who’s not your mate … and still be a Christian. NOT true. See the verse I quoted ages ago in my first response to this post (I think).
Quote # 3: “But of course Christianity denies same-sex couples the opportunity to get married - nice little catch-22 to prevent us from having any meaningful relationships.”
Well, of course. That would endorse the relationship! No one’s preventing you from doing anything. It’s just that you cannot choose to have a romantic/sexual relationship with someone of the same sex and be a Christian at the same time.
Fourth and final quote: “Then please, O Christian One, give me your advice on how Dr. Boyfriend and I should conduct ourselves in our relationship. Deny our love? Go off and enter into shallow, meaningless shells of marriages with women we neither love, are attracted to or wish to be married to? Celibacy? Engage in much hugging and hand-holding? Become priests? Check into a mental hospital? Is Jesus going to cure my homosexuality?”
This gets to the heart of the issue doesn’t it?
Esprix all I can tell you is this. EVERYone, myself included, is born with an inclination to sin. For some, it’s an inclination toward alcohol. For some it’s pornography. For some it’s sleeping around. And for some, it’s homosexuality.
So I BELIEVE people who tell me they grew up and felt attracted to the same sex. Just like someone else grew up and felt an inclination to sleep with women outside of marriage. Just like someone else grew up and felt an inclination to become a drunk.
We ALL grow up with inclinations to sin. We ALL grow up with inclinations toward CERTAIN sins. It’s the ole catch phrase “everyone has their weak point.” The problem in this case is that you’ve EMBRACED your weak point and decided to say that “that’s just who I am”. You don’t see it as weak at all… you see it as “who you are” and you can’t change it.
Well guess what … you can’t change it. Neither can the person who has a tendency to sleep with women outside of marriage. Neither can the person who has a tendency to cheat on his mate. We are all hopelessly, helplessly, sinful. And, in fact, SEEING this fact is the first step in coming to Christ.
Ever heard the Christian cliche, “saved”? (I know, that’s like asking if you’ve heard of McDonalds). The fact is, you CAN’T be “saved” until you realize you NEED to be saved. You can’t realize you NEED to be saved until you see yourself as someone hopelessly trapped by your own sins.
Everything you jokingly suggested you do (except the last one) is something that you couldn’t do if you wanted to. The only hope of change is Jesus changing WHO YOU ARE from the inside out. And yes, He can cure you – just like He can cure the alcoholic, the pornographer, etc etc. We are hopeless without Him, but THROUGH Him ALL things are possible.
I know this firsthand Esprix. When I lived in Atlanta from 1991 - 1996, I was privilaged to be roommates for the first three years with two men, one of whom was a formerly gay man. He came to Christ 9 months before I met him. He had been HEAVILY into the gay lifestyle for over a decade and had had many lovers.
So many so, tragically, that he contracted HIV.
Ironically, he only discovered this AFTER he came to Christ. He began walking with Christ, and went through a PROCESS, just like all new believers do, of walking out of the sinful lifestyle he’d been a part of.
During our 3rd year of being roommates, this guy fell in love with a wonderful woman in our church. They married and now have two beautiful children. The AMAZING, and miraculous thing is – neither his wife nor the kids contracted the HIV! I’ll be honest, this guy and his wife have TEN TIMES the faith that I do. I don’t know if I could’ve married and had kids if I’d known I had HIV, but this guy did it and trusted God to protect His wife and kids, and He did.
Anyway, the point is … yes God can heal you. I realize this post may have offended you, maybe even drastically. I pray not. I wouldn’t risk incurring your wrath or anyone else’s if I didn’t believe this to be the truth.
Last quote: “You didn’t know this? Jeez, I really need to be more open about my sexuality on this board…”
Well, I’m sure you’ve been open but I’ve only been on this board for a week and a half. Rest assured, I’m aware of where you stand now! 
Peace. G’night, and I hope you at least consider what I’ve said.