The answers are the same because the questions are the same. There is nothing miraculous about asking a female out.
I’m sorry: what I should have said is he *feels *he can’t. Of course he can, and should. What I’m trying to say is that for many people it’s easier said than done. See my earlier post where I, in the same way as everyone else, encouraged him to go for it.
oh, I actually hadn’t seen the earlier one. Or did, but didn`t connect it with your subsequent post. As you said, everyone’s advice is about the same in these threads. They blend together. I’m glad we’re on the same team.
I wish, for the sake of those suffering from this problem, that there was an easy solution.
When I was young, I fell between to the two stools of being able to chat up any girl at any time, and being frozen to the spot in the prescence of the opposite sex. There were occasions when, for reasons I’ve never really fathomed, I just seemed incapable of going up to a particular girl and chatting with her. So I know what it’s like, and I sympathise. Fortunately, though, there were other girls where it didn’t seem to be a problem. The future Mrs Nine, for example, I saw across a crowded dance floor at a party (yes, I know - the ultimate cliche) and it semed to be the easiest thing in the world to go up to her and talk to her. I’ve no idea why. Social intercourse can be a strange thing, and I wish it could be easier for those find it diificult - like the OP.
I’m sorry but this is just beyond pathetic. You have built up a relationship with this person that exists only in your head! You have preceived rejection based on the way she tilted her head and bit her lip as she said goodbye? How can you be rejected from someone with whom you have no more than a casual acquantaince.
I’m trying not to swear because I know this isn’t the pit but jeez man, get your head out of your ass and start living in the actual real world and not that fantasy that’s playing out in your head.
You have absolutely know way of knowing what she’s thinking or feeling if you don’t actually COMMUNICATE.
:rolleyes:
If you’re going to live in a fantasy world at least make it one where you get the girl.
And welcome to the SDMB with your “first” post.
Or perhaps she was frowning because you left without stopping to talk to her, and she took your fleeting goodbye as a rejection… look, I’ve been there, it’s easy to sit and analyse every little interaction and think you know what the other person is feeling. The problem is you will always project your own insecurities onto your analysis. You can’t ever know what she’s really thinking or feeling unless she actually tells you. And she can’t tell you if you won’t talk to her. If you’re stand-offish, of course she’s going to give you the space you seem to want. Especially if she’s also shy, your skittishness is just going to keep her even more at arm’s length.
You’re afraid that if you talk to her, she’ll really reject you and you won’t have the relationship you want with her, but you already don’t have the relationship you want with her. You need to choose between your fantasy relationship and the possibility of actually having that relationship… if your fantasy means more to you than taking the chance of breaking the fantasy with real world rejection, by all means, continue building your castles in the sky. If you really want to have a relationship with her - or any other person - then you have to take a chance of your castle falling, otherwise, that castle will just be cold and lonely.
Ship of Dreams, how successful are you at making non-romantic friends?
If you’re comfortable in non-romantic relationships, then you have the tools. You now need to work on reducing the perceived difference in your mind between “people who I want to be my friend” and “people I want to date.” The skills for the basic tasks of being at ease around someone and putting them at ease are not that different for dates than for friends.
If you have consistent difficulties with day-to-day interactions in non-romantic relationships, then there may be something deeper going on, and counseling might be a worthwhile idea.
If I could use yet another horrible analogy. For those for which it is easy, you have a stock price like Goldman Sachs. Yeah, there can be some rough moments, but it easy for you to recover. For us other poor saps, our stock is like Citigroup, and we’re the bag holders of our crippled social and emotional confidence. Hits to my stock is more detrimental than to yours. Yes, I can ask a girl out. But since it’s never really worked out, my stock is shit over the long haul. Those of us like myself start these threads to find out how we can increase our stock price to make it more attractive.
First of all, I just want to thank you all for your advice; not only the supportive, but also the brutally honest. I was previously under the impression that I had to go this alone, but I am glad that I sought outside opinions. Rationally, I know, it shouldn’t be a big deal to just ask her; but it had been made scarier for me by the fact that it’s something I’ve never done before. I know none of you could magically make this easy for me to go through, but I suppose I was just hopeful that I could be filled in on a few of the little nuances of HOW to get through this. I have gotten some of that, but I have also come to better realize that the big issue is just DOING it, rather than worrying about every tiny detail. Experience is the best teacher, as the old saying goes.
Unfortunately, the work schedule showed that I won’t be working any of the same days she will this week, but I intend to act on the next chance I get.
I understand that there is a continuum of advice in this situation that all ultimately consists of ‘stop over analyzing and ask people on dates’. Some advice is insensitive and dismissive - “grow the fuck up and do it”. I never dismiss what anybody is feeling as invalid whether they’re a friend or some stranger on the Internet.
But the point is, diving in and interacting with the opposite sex is the advice for increasing your stock price. People act like women are literally some other species. You just can’t go on like that, and I don’t know any other way to learn that women are just normal people like everybody else except to spend time with them.
Honestly, once you get over that and the anxiety you could probably get good advice about how to “seduce” women, for lack of a better term. But if you’re suffering under the delusion that they’re inscrutable mermaids only vaguely similar to human men, it’s not going to work.
I don’t mean to project onto you what other random men who’re uncomfortable with women have told me over the years. I’m just saying that generally there seems to be a lot of anxiety largely rooted in a lack of comfort dealing with women as actual people.
As a matter of practical advice, if this is really hard for you, why don’t you just cop out a bit? Is there anybody else you’re remotely friendly with at work? Could you say, “hey Suzie, Willie, Nathan and I are thinking of going to happy hour at the tapas place down the road. Would you like to join us?”. There’s very little pressure in doing that and I can pretty much guarantee that the tapas place down the road is more conducive to flirting than wherever you work.
You’re absolutely right, doing is is the best teacher. However, the link I provided leads to a forum where guys give each other lots of advice on the how-to’s. You might want to check it out.
Wow, that site has a large following. I’ll check it out for sure, hopefully the quality of advice is good.
Is there a particular reason why you can’t go into work on a day off and ask her out? It couldn’t hurt for her to see you in jeans and a t-shirt or something.
Do employees have a mailbox, an inbox, a locker, or something of that nature? You could just write a note: I haven’t seen you in a while. Welcome back! and that’s it. No declarations of undying love, no “I’ve been thinking about you every day, please validate me” statements, and not a flowery lovey mushy card. Just the italicized words, nothing fancy, on a plain piece of paper, in your own handwriting. Maybe a smiley face. See what happens.
If she later comes to you and asks why you left the note, you can just say “I like talking to you.” See what happens.
Little steps.
It works for the seduction gurus because they are only vaguely similar to human men.
I’d say you need to evaluate the amount of information you actually have. It’s pretty much nil. It’s really important to take a look at your whole life and ask yourself how much of it is occuring only in your head. How much actual interaction is going on? How much of what you think is happening between you and other people is based solely upon your inference?
The ONLY way to know what someone else is thinking is for them to communicate it. They talk, they write, they type. Guessing at body language is an imprecise method for even the truly expert. And inference is almost completely drawn by our expectation.
Rather than focusing on this one girl, I’d set some broader goals. Make a goal to start at least three conversations with other people each day. If you’re already doing that, make it three conversations with girls/women. Add some intermediate goals and up the ante a bit each week as you reach a comfort level.
The long term goal I have in mind is: Ask five girls/women out each week. Remember, the goal is not to have five dates each week, or even one. The entire goal is to ask.
I haven’t read all the other replies yet. It’ll be interesting when I do.
My advice: dude…stop. Stop stop stop overthinking things. She “rejected” you by not making the appropriate amount of eye contact and not using the right tone of voice when saying goodnight?
Not once in your long rambling manifesto have you once mentioned an actual conversation with this girl. Have you actually tried talking with her?
This is no longer about nervousness. This is about your brain going into overdrive and continually putting thoughts into her head and damning her for your imaginings. Stop doing that.
Yes, seriously.
I never thought I’d say this, but you really need to start thinking with your dick.