Dating strategies and success rates - kinda long

In My Humble Opinion
1

Lately, I broke up with a girl I’d been dating for 4 years. So now, I’m hitting the circuit again, looking for dates. For the record, I’m in my mid-twenties, and been told I’m attractive.

Now there’s a couple of ways I can go about this I think:

1. Asking random girls out.

Example: Walk up to the hot redhead over there by the magazines, and try to strike up a conversation.

2. Ask out girls I currently know, meet through friends, online dating, etc.

Example: Ask out Suzy, the new cute girl in accounting who I’ve talked with a couple times.

Basically, the distinction is “people you’ve never seen before vs. those whom you already know”.

I’m much better asking girls out who I know beforehand. I think it’s because I can play the scenerio through in my head beforehand, which gives me confidence when asking them out.

I have trouble asking unknown girls out in “normal” social situations: at the bookstore, grocery store, mall. I don’t know who I’m asking out! I mean, I see that she’s good looking, but other than that I’m really taking a chance on a lot of factors which I’m not getting any exposure to, such as intelligence or sociability. Not to mention she doesn’t know who she’s being asked out by - for all she know’s I could be an escaped convict asking her out to dinner - I feel like I’m threatening them!

Also it probably doesn’t help that I’m painfully shy on asking girls out who I don’t know! I keep trying though, and it’s uncomforable. When I ask “random” girls out on dates, I feel like I’m bending the space/time continuum…as if I’m rupturing the smoothly-operating, cold social fabric of modern America…

“I know you don’t know me, and I don’t know you, and I see you’re in a hurry, but wanna get dinner sometime?!”

Ok, well that’s not exactly what I say. [I\]It’s only what I feel like I’m having to say.*

So I try to subscribe to the “get to know you first through other means, see if we click, then ask you out” approach. This works much better for me. At least my success ratio is much higher.

Problem is, I don’t have a very robust social circle - all my college friends went their seperate ways over the past couple of years. And the friends I do have are married and don’t ever go out. And I’m not about to go to a bar or club alone to find that certain someone.

I know, I know, I need to make new friends. But work has me tied up a lot of the time. Also, there’s only 3 other people I work with - no propects of any friends/dates there!

First of all, which way did you meet your SO; and, which way is, in YHO best in finding a mate?

Second, do girls appreciate being asked out (tastefully) during the course of everyday life - or is it a hassle to you?

I know that a lot of what I’ve said sounds whiny and/or riddled with excuses, but that’s not the point! I know what I have to do, and I’m willing to change my ways and thinking. But I think I need a strategy first, or at least a starting point. That’s where your advice comes in.

Thanks dopers!

2

Acc040,

I’m in a similar boat. Mid-twenties and I believe I’m not a bad looking guy. I think we have similarities in that neither of us feel very comfortable walking up to girls in the grocery store and asking them out. I tend to agree with you, it’s uncomfortable for me (possibly for them), and both parties know that the original foundation was physical attraction.

I tend to find the bar scene to be typically the same, there is alot of social and sexual pressure whenever conversing.

I think a solution to the problem would be to enroll in coed activities, such as, coed sports, or coed community things like Habitat for Humanity, or a church group, or something…

I’ve found these activities relieve some of the social and sexual pressures and also allows for you to determine a bit of the person’s character in the context of a mutual goal. It helps build comradery. I find this to be very helpful. Also, asking for digits becomes much less tense, as you can just play it off as if, “Oh, I’ll give you a call next time we have this event…” or something like that…

I hope this helps, it certainly has helped me find some people that are interested in some common things other than pounding away booze.

Six-O

3

As a female, I can tell you that it wouldn’t matter if you were the best looking man I’ve ever seen in my life - if you approached me as a total stranger in a bookstore or grocery store and asked me out, the answer would be “No, please get away from me, you weirdo.”

Even a friendly conversation that ended in a request for a date would almost assuredly be met with “No.” However, if I saw you at bookstore X multiple times, we had a few conversations, and after the 3-4th time we ran into each other you suggested coffee at the shop next door, I’d feel comfortable saying Yes in that scenario.

Of course, this is all hypothetical, since Mr. Athena is the biggest hunka hunka burning man in existence, and he’s already got me. :slight_smile:

4

I cannot emphasize enough what a good suggestion this is.

Not only will it allow you to expand your social circle, it allows a pre-qualification of sorts. Want to meet people with a religious bent? Start going to church, or synagogue, or a mosque. Want to meet someone who is handy with a hammer, and doesn’t mind getting dirty, and has a bit of a socail conscience? Go on a Habitat for Humanity build. Want to meet an animal lover? Volunteer at your local SPCA. Want to meet a sports fan? Join a co-ed league.

WAY better than a bar, and not only will you meet good folks, you will feel better about yourself, too.

5

I would suggest renting 20 Dates . The premise is that Myles, a filmmaker, will film himself on 20 dates. Whether it’s a real documentary or not isn’t really the point, I think. What he found was that the more women he talked to and asked out, the better at it he got. So, practice practice practice. And don’t engage in activities that you wouldn’t continue in to meet women.

As for me, my wife hit me with a clue-by-four, twice, to get me to go out with her, so YMMV.

6

Athena:

Thank you very much for your answer. I’m beginning to wonder what other women think about this too, and if they share your perspective.

When I think of myself in their situation (being asked out by a random guy), I can see how they would get freaked out; because that’s how I would react.

On the other hand, I question myself on that gut instinct because I think that I just might be overly shy.

So am I being socially irresponsible when asking out girls who I see in public?

7

I don’t know where “da Up”, Athena’s locale, is, but in many major cities in the US, supermarkets and bookstores are often considered good places to meet people of the opposite sex. I haven’t personally attempted it, but I was once “picked up”, by a very nice lady, in the Science Fiction section of a bookstore. So, it worked for her. Of course, I’m a guy and, therefore, naturally easy to pick up.

I, on the other hand, have almost never attempted, and succeeded in, picking up a woman who hadn’t at least smiled at me once, prior to my approaching her. I have enough trouble weeding out the psychos, as it is.

8

I’m female, and live in a large city, and am both reasonably attractive and reasonably socially competent (though perhaps on the shy side) – and I would definitely not go out with a guy who just struck up a conversation with me in public. (Athena, who is, apparently, from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, is quite right about this.)

BTW, I met my current bf through online personals, which is, of course, a whole 'nother way to go.

9

I met my current SO though the Society for Creative Anachronism, which is a group for people with weird hobbies.

I’m nervous around strangers, so I’d be more comfortable if you were "vouched for” by another woman or a group.
Personally, I’m a big fan of the mutual-activities introduction. The only caveat is: you should join a group you are really interested in and might participate in even if you weren’t looking for someone. Political parties are always looking for volunteers, and there’s usually time to talk while stuffing envelopes. Learning a new skill would also give you something to talk about, so maybe take a dance class? And be nice to us old ladies in the group, we have daughters and friends with daughters.

10

I would be disconcerted of a man I didn’t know and had never seen asked me out in a public place, or any other place, quite frankly. And yet, it isn’t as simple as that, usually. I doubt very many men at all would approach a woman and straight up confess, “My name is x and I want to know if you would like to have dinner.” I’ve spoken with strangers at bookstores (only other parents at the grocery) but I’ve never been picked up. Maybe they were trying to pick me? I have no idea, I’m pretty oblivious, especially if I’m not interested.

We live in a great age for this kind of thing though, because we have so many small ways to communicate, more anonymous ways. A guy might strike up a conversation with me, asking me for my e-mail later and he might get it. I would feel comfortable offering that if I was interested. Or my cell number. If a conversational stranger was interested and only requested my e-mail address, it would go a long way to demonstrates that he is aware and thoughtful of the dangers of dating and he might get points for that.

It’s sad that it has to be that way, but we live in a dangerous world, especially for women. I know my biggest fear has got to be being the victim of a sadistic serial killer. I would think it would weigh heavy on the minds of most women. What do the rest of you ladies think, am I right on that?

Good luck Acco. You’re a brave man. :slight_smile:

11

I would also suggest renting the following:
Swingers
Tomcats
Two Ninas
Whipped!

all good movies about picking up girls.
Personally, I have never been real comfortable going up to a girl on the street. Bars, nightclubs, and parties are a little easier. There’s alchohol involved and people expect that other people are there to meet the opposite sex.

I’ve met girls at work. That can be tricky though.

Take some evening classes.

Stop looking! Nothing seems to turn off girls more than looking like you are looking to hook up.

12

I strongly recommend trying to ask out random women you encounter through daily life. While any individual attempt is less likely to be successful than asking out people you know, you’ll have orders of magnitude more opportunities. And, as epeepunk mentioned, the more you get used to talking to random people, the better at it you’ll get.

A few simple rules:

  1. You are not asking out a stranger, you are striking up a conversation with a stranger.
  2. Do not be ashamed of the fact that physical attraction is what prompted you to talk to them in the first place. Don’t dwell on it, but don’t try to hide it either.
  3. If the conversation goes well, be uber-brave and ask if they’d be interested in doing something sometime. Be calm and casual about it – the more nervous you seem, the weirder it comes across.

Successful pickups happen all the time. I used to know a guy who was a master of this – he was just really good at talking to people about anything and everything. Women loved it, even if they were unavailable – it’s flattering to have someone find you attractive and want to talk to you, especially if they’re calm and non-threatening. Get in the habit of just striking up conversations with people you find attractive – don’t give yourself time to get nervous. If it’s clear they aren’t interested, move on.

You may strike out with 95% of the women you talk to, but you strike out with 100% of the women you don’t.

13

The way I met my husband was actually a series of meetings. First we took the same college course, then found we worked in the same building, then met again at a mutual friend’s house. We didn’t actually talk much until after the third meeting.

Once, in a mall out of the blue a young man struck up a conversation with me, opening with, “Hi! You look like an interesting person…” For a shy person like myself, this bowled me over. It was an enjoyable chat. But since I’m shy, I like other shy people - which means slow and cautious meetings. Think turtles. :smiley:

It wasn’t a hassle. All it was was chatting and not asking out. If we had met again say at a mutual friend’s house or kept running into each other in other ways, then it would have been a starting point. Plus, either it was just his personality, or he’d had so much experience, but he didn’t seem nervous at all. :stuck_out_tongue:

14

And I nominate this as the best username, location, post combination ever. :smiley:

May I also add that hesitation is not your friend. You generally don’t want to be the guy who was casting odd glances at the girl for 10 minutes before going over to talk to her. It’s perfectly understandable, mind you, just not something to inspire thoughts of “he can’t possibly be a psycho axe murderer.”

15

First of all, which way did you meet your SO; and, which way is, in YHO best in finding a mate?

We met at a LARP. One of his best friends was dating one of my best friends. My friend invited me to game, and my soon-to-be SO was the Storyteller. We ended up spending a good hour or two talking (he ended game early), and we exchanged phone numbers. I was clueless until he called me the next day and asked me out (after being urged by his friend). It worked out pretty well, I think :D.

I personally think the best way to meet an SO is through a group activity, or just through a group. It helps a lot, too, if your current friends are involved–it certainly gave me a measure of confidence I mightn’t have had otherwise.

Second, do girls appreciate being asked out (tastefully) during the course of everyday life - or is it a hassle to you?

Being asked out doesn’t bother me. Being leered at does. Being asked out by a total stranger would probably freak me out.

16

One of the most touching approaches used on me was when I was in the Navy. A group of us were waiting for the training building to be opened, milling about smartly in the dark. One guy came up and said “Hi, can I befriend you?” Granted, that was a very controlled environment, but it was a sweet, straightforward, non-threatening conversation starter. And I was 19 - I melted.

I met my husband when taking sailing lessons. I took them specifically to meet someone, since I was new in town. He was my instructors. As I’ve told many times here (turn away if you’ve heard this story) we eloped 4 weeks after our first date, and we’re inching up on our 20th anniversary. So taking a class/joining a club/picking an activity is an excellent way to meet people.

17

LARP’s are great for meeting people. I’ve met at least 2 of my bf’s there… tios though… if they can’t commit to a game regularly (like once a month at least) they probably can’t commit for long in general. IME YMMV These are guys I’m talking about. And I’ve definately got crushes on at least a couple of the guys I LARP with (shame that a couple of them are married but the others are single :slight_smile: )

As a single decent looking girl in the city I find I get hit on fairly often. Ranging from the guys who ask for change then tell me I have pretty eyes to random cute guys I smile at and who compliment me on my smile. I also get a lot of it at work, as I work graveyard shifts. The other night I had a guy ask me for my number over the drive through intercom… he looked about as old as my brother (which is ages apart considering that I’m not that old and my brother is even younger). I think it’s something about my voice… when I worked on the telephones I would often get hit on/asked out.

In fact I met my last bf that way. He’s was an old buddy of my roomies and they had run into each other. He called up and was talking to both of us for a bit then commented (while on speakerphone) that I sounded cute. Hmm.