Help! I just realized that I’ve become the female version of a “Nice Guy.” That is, I’m sitting around and wondering why guys don’t ever ask me out, because I’m not ugly and not stupid and not boring and not a cold ice queen and not… oh shit! I want guys to like me for the things I’m not! That’s not how it’s supposed to go! So I thought up a list of good qualities I have, and I’ve decided that I can find someone based on who I am…except, I’ve had, like, one boyfriend in my life. I met him paying tuition in college four years ago. I really, REALLY don’t know how to meet guys. So, any advice on how to get out there and get noticed?
Hi, I’m the Male “you.”
My struggles come from the fact that I don’t go out and do things. I am married to my job and school, and before I went back to school, I was just married to the job.
Go out and do your hobbies and activities, and introduce yourself to people you meet there, and not just guys you might be interested in, but anyone you could be friends with. Eventually, you will meet, or be introduced to someone you like.
You are so going to get the good old advice about meeting people. Join clubs and a gym and all that good stuff. Which is all very true! But, meeting people doesn’t sound like it’s really the problem here.
If you’re not being asked out, it has something to do with the way that you’re presenting yourself. It’s my guess that you are acting in some way that conveys that you are either unavailable, or uninterested. At least, that’s what I was doing.
Do you know how to flirt? So vitally important! Fleeting eye contact, and doing the hair twirling thing that you ladies do, and demure smiles. Google “how to flirt” and practice it constantly. In line for coffee. Waiting for the light to change. Anywhere. You don’t have to be interested in the person to practice flirting with them.
You can also ask guys out. A lot of us LOVE that. Some of my female friends do, while others still think it’s a man’s obligation to pursue. I don’t think either is a “right” answer; only what’s right for you.
Definitely work on the flirting.
I SO don’t know how to flirt. I see a guy or girl who I think is cute, and a thousand reasons I shouldn’t give a signal go through my mind. But even when I know I should, I don’t know HOW! I can kinda give eye contact and then look away, but that’s it. And I feel creepy when I do it.
I think sometimes I don’t really know what I should go out and do. I love to paint, but I don’t think I have time for an art class. Do grown ups really still have amature sports teams? what if they suck? I Loved swim team as a kid - can I still do that? I hate dancing, so clubs are OUT.
I notice from your profile that you are in San Antonio. You should try taking an art class at the local community college or adult ed. My town has adult ed classes for things like wine tasting, sailing and a billion other things. Even if you don’t meet any guys, maybe you can meet some women with guy friends. If nothing else, you’ll be taking a class in something that’s fun.
I liked the art classes I took at a community college here a couple years ago - but I’m probably a little too busy these days. sigh This is late night whining. I mean, I so appreciate the advice here, but I’m being whiny as hell.
Okay. I need to get out there. I need to figure out the flirting thing on Google. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I have to work this out. I am NOT incapable of this.
I so gotta get rid of my computer.
Small Hen, if you’re the female version of a nice guy, then I’m a male version of the female version of a nice guy…hmm, I could have probably written that better…maybe.
Anyways, I’m in the same boat. I go to work, come home and do nothing. And I blame my computer too-I’m addicted to it! If you find out what works for you, please let us know 
Even if you don’t think you have time for an art class, you can go to the art museums. I seem to recall that SA had some pretty nice museums, and a great zoo. For that matter, go do a touristy thing at the Riverwalk. You can have fun, and if you happen to meet an interesting person, so much the better. Don’t go out with the idea “I gotta meet people”, but rather, go out with the intention of having a good time. Be happy, and you will attract people.
I’ll be sure to post a thread if anything ever works out.
Small Hen, you can totally do this. I was never comfortable flirting before. My own introspection taught me that my discomfort (which I attributed to feeling “creepy”) was really caused by my fear that the flirtation was unwelcome and/or would not be returned. I don’t know if you might find the same thing, but it’s one thing to look at.
What ultimately changed for me was how I saw dating and relationships. I was always fearful about being rejected. What I came to understand was that “rejection” was not truly about me. That someone wasn’t interested in me, really, had nothing to do with me. For whatever reason and by whatever measure, I simply did not embody the characteristics that she was seeking. This doesn’t imply that I am bad, unworthy, undesirable, or what-have-you. Their “rejection” of me was simply their list of preferences being measured against my characteristics and finding there was not a match.
Once I came to get that, and let go of the fear, flirting became rather like a game to me. A fun pastime, if you will. The flirting isn’t always returned, but sometimes it is, and that in itself can be very gratifying. It also helps to build my confidence!
If you’re open to an assignment, I say flirt with someone on the bus tomorrow, or in line for coffee, or somewhere else where there’s someone to make some eye contact with. Again, you don’t have to want to be with them to flirt. Just try it for kicks!
(Should you accept this mission, do report back to us!!)
I am in your boat too, Small Hen. I hope you can find your way to a relationship you can enjoy and value.
I am currently telling myself that I’m brave enough to try some of the so-far-suggested flirting techniques. Based on past performance however, the forecast is for utter cowardice :smack:.
Sure; I kept sane in grad school by playing soccer, in everything from fairly competitive male-only leagues to co-ed mini-soccer drinking leagues. One woman on the latter team was a librarian who had never played soccer before. We just had fun. A town like San Antonio will have stuff like that for every level of seriousness, and in a variety of different sports/activities.
The girl I’m seeing at the moment introduced herself by telling me one of the filthiest jokes I’ve ever heard. I was dumbfounded and highly amused, and attracted to a) her ballsiness in telling it to a stranger, and b) her humor, which happened to coincide with mine.
Might not work with everyone, but it certainly did with me!
Besides museums see if San Antonio galleries have “First Thursday”. Typically galleries stay open into the evening and some have wine and cheese similar to an opening. The atmosphere is a little more relaxed than in most museums, I think.
In a quick google search I found mention of First Thursday AND First Friday. One blogger said Thursday is quieter than the Friday “Art block party”
Am I the only one thinking about a San Antonio dopefest in the near future? 
I’ve been to First Friday a few times. I get the impression that the idea is to drink until the art looks good.
These are some good suggestions. Okay. Today I will go out and flirt with someone. Should this produce any interesting results, I will check back in.
I’d like to second **Standup Karmic’s **post. If you feel “creepy” when you try to flirt, I’m betting it’s because you are, somewhere in your head, assuming that people *aren’t *going to welcome your attention. Cut that out! I assume that people ARE going to welcome my attention, and I’m usually right. Not always of course, but my success rate in engaging people in conversation is probably near 90%.
Also keep in mind that not every exchange has to GO somewhere. Flirting is fun for its own sake. It keeps the mind sharp and the heart rate elevated. Done correctly, it’s downright aerobic.
My girlfriends always ask me where I meet people, and the answer is EVERYWHERE. I tell them to take off their iPods and their “Don’t fuck with me” faces once in a while, and they might notice that the cute guy sitting across from them on the train appears to find them equally cute.
Oh yes. We LOVE that.
There’s nothing wrong with letting someone know you are interested in *them *sexually\romantically. You risk some rejection, but my guess is it’ll work out OK.
What do you do for a living? What do you do for fun?
Basically, find groups of people who do the same thing and join them. It’s really that simple.
If your industry has a professional organization, join it. Get involved in the meetings. If your hobby has a local class, chapter, or association, join it. Get involved.
If you have a political preference, join your local party. Get involved.
If you have a religious preference, join a local church. Get involved.
I’m not single now but I used to be pretty flirtatious when I was younger and met people everywhere too. I think that part of it is that I’m talkative and have no problem striking up little conversations with strangers, and in general I look pretty happy and approachable. I was OK looking and in good shape but nothing spectacular so I don’t think looks had a lot to do with it. As others have said, one thing that I’ve found is that you have to be willing to get involved in things that you like and do it alone because it’s much easier for someone else to talk to you if you aren’t with other people. It also helps to have some sort of ‘prop’ that gives people a reason to start a conversation, like an interesting book, sports equipment or best of all, a dog. (If you don’t have one maybe you could borrow one or walk dogs for a shelter.) People just love talking to someone with a dog and it’s a great excuse to start a conversation. Paying attention to what’s going on around you can give you an excuse to exchange a glance and smile with someone else witnessing the same thing. I think that Diana’s comment about it not having to go anywhere is important. Nine out of ten times it’s just going to be a pleasant interchange that cheers up your day and gives you some confidence, but it keeps getting easier.